A Liberal Loss of Faith

May 2, 2008

Berkeley, California

Something strange happened the other day. Scooter and I were hanging out at Pepe's place, doing some mushrooms and tequila while celebrating the absolute certainty that there will soon be a Democrat in the White House. Pepe had CNN on and we were watching Barack Hussein reply to the latest wacko statements made by his ex-minister. In rebuking the man Obama had recently referred to as a "father figure," Barack not only threw Dad under the bus, but backed over him repeatedly until all that remained was a putrid stain on the pavement. I thought this was a good move by Hussein, but Scooter evidently thought otherwise.

Obviously still pissed-off over Barack's firing him, a drunken Scooter angrily dismissed Obama's actions and said he hoped Hillary would "club him like a baby seal." This prompted an even-drunker Pepe to proclaim that "only a fool would think that a lying phony with huge calves like Hillary would ever deserve to be elected President." Over the next hour, these two pinnacles of political intelligence argued over which of their two candidates were the phoniest and most dishonest. Finally I had to diffuse the situation, as Scooter and Pepe were getting pretty worked up.

"At least either of them is better than some cranky old albino war hero whose only claim to fame is he's an honest centrist," I said, laughing. Pepe murmured in agreement, but Scooter just stared off in the distance, like he was in a trance or something. "Scoots," I said, "what's the matter?" He finally turned to me, and with tears welling in his bloodshot eyes blurted out, "I CAN"T DO IT, I HATE BOTH OF THESE FREAKING BOZOS! I'm...I'm voting for the albino..." He got up and left Pepe and I staring at each other in numb disbelief.

Later when I went by Scooter's place to see if he'd sobered up yet, I noticed he'd put a McCain sticker over the Hillary sticker he'd put over the Obama sticker. This was serious. I went home to think about what I could do to rescue my friend.