Something Pale This Way Comes

May 9, 2008

Berkeley, California

Being around Scooter has become increasingly difficult since he's thrown his support behind that crabby old conservative, John McCain. Pepe and I have spent hours trying to reason with Scooter, explaining how McCain won't retreat from Iraq, raise taxes, give us free health care, etc. While agreeing this is probably true, Scooter claims the angry old albino is still better than either a "serial liar or racist ex-crack addict who wants to change things but won't say what things or how he's going to change them." Obviously, Scooter's been listening to too much talk radio.

Pepe and I planned to take him to the park for a Code Pink antiwar protest, figuring the protesters would be a positive influence and hopefully re-ignite Scooter's deep-seated hatred for the war and the conservatives that started it. Pepe picked me up at my place, then we headed to Scooter's squalid rental house. Upon arriving, both of us were amazed that Scooter had actually done some painting, picked up most of the beer cans and larger pieces of garbage, and even mowed the few patches of weeds and crabgrass he calls a yard. It almost looked respectable except for the gaggle of "McCain for President" signs in the front yard and the huge new flag waving from a piece of pipe he had duct-taped to the side of his house.

Not wanting to be seen anywhere close to the signs, Pepe honked the horn to alert the conservative pinhead to our presence. What happened next was like something out of an old "Twilight Zone": Scooter came through the front door wearing a suit and tie(!), and as bizarre as that was, it was his ghostly pale complexion and short, white hair that prompted Pepe to scream something in Spanish, throw the car into gear and step on the gas, leaving Scooter in a cloud of acrid blue smoke. With his usual dramatic flair, Scooter had transformed himself into a retarded parody of his candidate and idol, John McCain! In an effort to get his image out of our heads, we went back to my place and drank the rest of the afternoon.

Pepe is too scared to go back, so it's going to be up to me to somehow deprogram Scooter before he joins a country club, or something worse.