On The Campaign Trail With Scooter McCain

May 15, 2008

Berkeley, California

OK, Scooter's psychotic empathizing with John McCain has gotten totally out of hand. It's one thing to adopt the hairstyle or even mild mannerisms of somebody one admires, but Scooter's total metamorphosis into McCain by way of elaborate theatrical makeup, wardrobe, acting, and vocal inflections is beyond weird.

Yesterday we went shopping at the mall, and while there Scooter probably signed over a hundred autographs as Senator McCain. Later at the urging of onlookers he even gave an impromptu speech from atop a table at the food court. After flashing some very realistic Vietnam torture scars, Scooter McCain spoke out against the presumed Democratic challenger, Barack Hussein. He accused Obama of being "a space alien sent to enslave the white middle class" and other things, some of which I think he just made up. While the audience enthusiastically ate it up, I watched from inside The Gap so as not to be associated with the whole retarded charade.

Everything was going surprisingly well - Scooter is actually a much more entertaining speaker than the real McCain, employing an intriguing mix of blusterous bravado, graphic tales of jungle torture, and the liberal use of gutter profanity to keep his audience's attention. It wasn't until an Asian man waving a Sharpie approached Scooter McCain for an autograph that things went horribly wrong.

Obviously suffering an empathetic flashback from the savage imaginary torture he would have received years earlier, Scooter grabbed the man by the hair and repeatedly rammed his head into a Orange Julius slurpie machine, as the guy's wheelchair careened into a group of Young Republicans! Holy Pope-on-a-rope! Fortunately, mall security guards arrested Scooter before he killed the little guy or irreversibly damaged the delicious frozen delight-dispensing device. Later the cops released him after he signed some autographs and posed for photos.

This can't go on any longer, either Scooter snaps out of it, or I'm getting a new friend and assistant. I'm serious.