On The Campaign Trail With Scooter McCain

May 15, 2008

Berkeley, California

OK, Scooter's psychotic empathizing with John McCain has gotten totally out of hand. It's one thing to adopt the hairstyle or even mild mannerisms of somebody one admires, but Scooter's total metamorphosis into McCain by way of elaborate theatrical makeup, wardrobe, acting, and vocal inflections is beyond weird.

Yesterday we went shopping at the mall, and while there Scooter probably signed over a hundred autographs as Senator McCain. Later at the urging of onlookers he even gave an impromptu speech from atop a table at the food court. After flashing some very realistic Vietnam torture scars, Scooter McCain spoke out against the presumed Democratic challenger, Barack Hussein. He accused Obama of being "a space alien sent to enslave the white middle class" and other things, some of which I think he just made up. While the audience enthusiastically ate it up, I watched from inside The Gap so as not to be associated with the whole retarded charade.

Everything was going surprisingly well - Scooter is actually a much more entertaining speaker than the real McCain, employing an intriguing mix of blusterous bravado, graphic tales of jungle torture, and the liberal use of gutter profanity to keep his audience's attention. It wasn't until an Asian man waving a Sharpie approached Scooter McCain for an autograph that things went horribly wrong.

Obviously suffering an empathetic flashback from the savage imaginary torture he would have received years earlier, Scooter grabbed the man by the hair and repeatedly rammed his head into a Orange Julius slurpie machine, as the guy's wheelchair careened into a group of Young Republicans! Holy Pope-on-a-rope! Fortunately, mall security guards arrested Scooter before he killed the little guy or irreversibly damaged the delicious frozen delight-dispensing device. Later the cops released him after he signed some autographs and posed for photos.

This can't go on any longer, either Scooter snaps out of it, or I'm getting a new friend and assistant. I'm serious.

Comments

[Wm H. A Knight In Shiny Armor]

Peace honey, fear not I'm coming to save you. I just read that California is gonna get hit with the BIG ONE any second now.

See: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080521/ap_on_sc/calif_quake_scenario

Just as soon as my neighbor goes to bed, I will slip over and siphon some gas from his truck and head your way. I know you will like it here in Oklahoma. I know I should offer to let Scooter come to but what being with my ex-wife and her husband already stay with me....I'm kind of short on space.
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P Moonbeam: Hopefully the earth will swallow me up before you arrive...

[HygeneAl]

This is a photo of a first cousin of Teresa. Her name is Maria and she is from the "not so pretty" side of Teresa's family, so you can just imagine what Teresa is like:

http://www.learnit2.com/photoshop/Add-Wrinkles/1.jpg

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P Moonbeam: I refuse to open any link that contains the words "Add Wrinkles."
HA, you have far too much time on your hands.

[Wm H. scarred chitless of jealous women]

P Moonbeam:" Who's Teresa?"

Hey HA, sounds like Peace is jealous. Hell knows no fury like a bow legged womens scorn. We better cool it with showing our affection toward Teresa until PM finds someone else to stalk.

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P Moonbeam: Oh, I get it: You guys have invented an imaginary girlfriend in order to give the appearance you're not gay.
Clever. Not.

[HygeneAl]

"would look kind of like Hitler".

Below is a pic of AH (hey, that HA backwards, no relation to me), in a fine and useful pose:

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2007/02/hitlerrugAP_450x364.jpg

HA

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P Moonbeam: That's nice.

[Wm H. on the campaign trail with Hillary.]

Anyone ever notice that photo of G. Gordon Liddy on the right of PM'm blog page? If someone would photoshop a batch of hair on the right side of his head, and then comb it over to the left.....well with that womb broom he is sporting he would look kind of like Hitler.

P.S.
Teresa, I sit here with drink in hand trying to remember all those hot steamy nights we could have shared by didn't. Still I'll always love ya' my lil'chickiepoo. From the first moment I seen you in that 'Family From Hell Food Fight' with your kinfolks on the Jerry Springer Show.......I knew you were that gal for me.

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P Moonbeam: Who's Teresa?

[HygeneAl]

Teresa, I still love ya babe!

HA

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P Moonbeam: Who's Teresa?

[HygeneAl]

"Transcript of Hillary Clinton's speech last evening..."
I'm not altogether sure why this speech wasn't picked up by the main stream or B. Hussein O's group, but it sounds like someone dropped methamphetamines in Hillary's coffee and she grew (another) pair. I always new she had a lot of anger in her gut, but she's always saved it in the past for hitting her husband with lamps, shredding incrementing documents, stealing several hundred FBI files of her enemies, making up her own harrowing war stories and fighting for the right of women to murder the life within them.

I like this new direction. Very encouraging! :)

HA

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P Moonbeam: Don't encourage him.

[Wm H. on the campaign trail with Hillary.]

Transcript of Hillary Clinton's speech last evening during a photo opt with the employees at the rangeline Rd. McDonalds in Joplin, MO.

Men, this stuff that Obama is sling around about America wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bull. Americans love to fight,many of you are to young to remember what I did to Vincent Foster, but traditionally, all real Americans love the sting and clash of battle...Americans play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an American.
...There are hundreds of blown up graves somewhere in the mid-east. All because one man went to sleep on the job and his thumb accidently hit the fire button. But most of them were terrorist, maybe a few women, kids, old folks, and maybe even a few of our own, but what the heck chit happens in the heat of battle.
...My men don't dig foxholes. I don't want them to. Foxholes only slow up an offensive, besides, you ever trying digging in the sand with snipper fire all around you? Keep moving, and don't give the enemy time to dig one either. We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing those ragheads that we've got more gonads than they have; and bigger ones to. We're not going to just shoot the sons-of-b****es, we're going to rip out their Goddamned gonads and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.
...I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more goat humpers we will kill. The more camel jock's we kill, the fewer of our men will be killed. Now I would be proud to lead you kids into battle, but as your next Prsident........well you know how it is, I need to stay on the home front and keep an eye on my man.
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P Moonbeam: That's nice.

[HygeneAl]

"There's something about an older man with attitude....."

http://rossdouthat.theatlantic.com/Reagan.jpg

How we miss you Dutch.

How we miss you.

HA <-- sad
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P Moonbeam: A little melancholy tonight Al?

[Teresa]

Personally, I don't think Scooter has ever looked better! There's something about an older man with attitude.....
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P Moonbeam: I don't know if that's attitude or just your basic mental illness. Whatever it is, he's got a lot of it.

[Dr. Wm H.]

See Peace honey,

What did I say my source's on the street told me? There's a lot of screwed up people out there.

" When my girlfriend (second cousin, twice removed, so it was ok), was pregnant, her cravings were projected on me. I began to have a terrific desire for peanut butter sandwiches dipped in Jack Daniels. It was the weirdest thing. Night after night I’d listen to her nag me about the stupidest things. “Get a job, will ya?” “Do you have to call your Mom every hour?”, “Put some clothes on, I’m tired of looking at that…(put any derogatory name for the male anatomy here, she used every single one of them and it really hurt)”, “Go in the toilet instead of that smelly pee bottle”, “I’m not empting that pee anymore!”, “Stop scratching your nether regions when the Pastor comes to dinner”,, (‘cept she wouldn’t say ‘nether regions’), on and on she’d rant, just so’s she could say to her friends, all two of them, she “won”! Stupid wench. The more she’d nag, the more I’d dip, scratch, pee, call Mom and avoid work. "

I rest my case.

P.S.
I'm not a real Dr., but I did play one when I was a lil'kid. But hey guess what? I'm A BIG KID NOW.
http://bp2.blogger.com/_TqtGNnzte6o/SCz9o6Pd_uI/AAAAAAAABH0/Z8eo5uc067M/s1600-h/full-metal-jacket-PDVD_00701.jpg

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P Moonbeam: I don't know quite what to say other than "When someone offers you PCP, just say NO." That's all.

[jainphx]

Who couldn't give a better speech than McLame, my dog barks a better speech than McShamnesty. My pet fish gives a better speech than Mcinsane. Other than that I haven't anything to say about McGoffy.
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P Moonbeam: I think that about says it all, though I have to admit that compared to Bush, McCain is a regular Winston Churchill.

[HygeneAl]

Try not to be too hard on the Scoot, Peace. I’ve experience this kind of behavior before, well, not to that degree. I think they now call it something like, “projection” or something. 30 years ago they used to call it some insensitive name, like “craziness”. When my girlfriend (second cousin, twice removed, so it was ok), was pregnant, her cravings were projected on me. I began to have a terrific desire for peanut butter sandwiches dipped in Jack Daniels. It was the weirdest thing. Night after night I’d listen to her nag me about the stupidest things. “Get a job, will ya?” “Do you have to call your Mom every hour?”, “Put some clothes on, I’m tired of looking at that…(put any derogatory name for the male anatomy here, she used every single one of them and it really hurt)”, “Go in the toilet instead of that smelly pee bottle”, “I’m not empting that pee anymore!”, “Stop scratching your nether regions when the Pastor comes to dinner”,, (‘cept she wouldn’t say ‘nether regions’), on and on she’d rant, just so’s she could say to her friends, all two of them, she “won”! Stupid wench. The more she’d nag, the more I’d dip, scratch, pee, call Mom and avoid work. Anyway, I understand Scooters feelings. It’s just a phase; he’ll grow past it, unless of course, McCain wins.

HA

PS I been “married” to my girlfriend for 22 years, I don’t scratch anymore, but out of a deep affection for the past and a desire to keep my tortured nerves in one piece, I dip like a fish.
And, her two friends are MY sisters, so that makes them HER relatives, (second cousins, twice removed), so they don’t even count!

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P Moonbeam: Well, that's all well and fine for you, but I can't wait 22 years to see how this is going to come out. I can maybe wait a week. Maybe.