June 28, 2008
Bunburam Refuge Camp, Ghana
Yeehaaaa! If you don't think Scooter and I haven't been celebrating like rock stars since he received the above email, you're crazy - we have! I have no idea how this Kingsley Owusu guy knows Scooter, or why he might think he's a "good and reputable God-fearing person," but apparently Scooter is going to be stinky rich because he does. The really good news is that Scooter's agreed to give me 5% of the 35% he gets to keep of the 15.5 million dollars - by his calculation 6.3 million buckeroos :) Even though we're friends, I made him put that in writing before I'd agree to help him :)) Scooter will retain all the "22. karat gold", as he wants to make it into gigantic jewelry pieces like the ones 50 Cent wears.
As for investing Mr. Owusu's money, after weighing all his various options, Scooter went with the only thing that could guarantee the kind of high return and zero risk he was seeking: limited edition commemorative plates from The Bradford Exchange. By his figuring, we could buy the entire issuing of the new "Lizards of the World" plate series, thus giving us the sole ability to set the price on the international market. Brilliant! Why do I have a feeling this will be the most valuable plate series ever? Ha! Scooter called the the vice president of the company and ordered every set, plus the remainder of the popular "Tractors of the Soviet Union" series just because he could.
After contacting Mr. Owusu, we learned that all we had to do to secure the loot was to pay the standard Ghana cash/gold transfer tax, a mere $5,000. Scooter was careful to get Mr. Owusu's specific written assurance that we'll be reimbursed for this fee once he makes it to the ATM machine in the neighboring refuge camp. Fortunately Scooter was able to sell his car for what we needed (he's ordered a new Mercedes anyway), and we sent Mr. Owusu the funds via Western Union, as per his request. Afterward we threw a huge backyard party, which gave us a chance to use our new plates (Note: next time use plastic sporks as regular forks scratch the lizard pictures all to hell).
OK, it's been a few days and that butthole Kingsley hasn't sent us our money or gold yet. We did receive a package from him, but it contained only a little piece-of-crap carved donkey that Scooter's going to hang from the rearview mirror of his new Benz. We are now in Ghana at the Bunburam Refuge Camp going door to door (actually cardboard to cardboard) trying to find Mr. Owusu - obviously he's hurt or had a seizure or something and needs help. Meanwhile, back home some moron from the Bradford Exchange is clogging our answering machine with threatening messages, which I'm sure is illegal. When we get hold of Mr. Owusu, he's gonna pay extra for our mental duress, and you can take that to the bank.