News From the North

By reader Syncrodox

July 8, 2008

 

The boys and I have been excited all week in anticipation of the great leader’s visit to Calgary. Of course I'm speaking of Stephane Dion, the leader of the official opposition and the head of the Liberal Party of Canada. Stephane has staked his political fortunes and the very survival of this nation (should he assume power in the coming election) on his brilliant "Green Shift" taxation program. The central theme of this program is that "carbon emitting" provinces like Alberta and Saskatchewan will be heavily taxed for our crimes against Gaia in an effort to fund more social programs for poor Jamaican immigrant youth in Toronto. You people would refer to them as gang-bangers but we Canadians have refined the terms.

 

For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian geography, Calgary is located in the southwest portion of Alberta. If you look at a map of Canada we are second from the left, the one with the slightly mischievous grin and the kiss curl. In American terms we are Texas without the pistols and Arizona without the ungodly heat plus we have one tenth of the illegal immigrants in the aforementioned states.

 

As such, we are considered by the rest of Canada (ROC) to be the James Dean of confederation. Rebels without a clue, if you will. Hillbillies who found oil beneath our feet just as easily as Uncle Jed when he fired that fateful shot into the swamp. Sadly, unlike you folk, very few of us have cement ponds and a nice granny. But I digress once again.

 

Calgary's claim to fame is the Calgary Stampede, ten days of balls to the walls boozing with a rodeo and chuck wagon races thrown in as an excuse. It began yesterday and we love it! One of the traditions of Stampede is pancake breakfasts where the eggs are cold, the bacon slimy, the pancakes doughy, all for free and served by minor celebrities (the channel 7 weather hottie) or our political idols.

 

The boys and I patiently waited in line to be served by Stephane. Lil Syncro got bored and lit up a joint (that brought up memories of his first Stampede when he was four, I nearly wept) and Syn and Dox started fighting over who was going to give our present to Stephane. Things very nearly got out of hand but I reminded the boys that if they didn't behave I'd do the whole hundred lot of Purple Mike stashed at home myself. That dummied them up.

 

We eventually made it to the front of the line and Dox got so excited he made such a big scene getting our present out of his Kokanee (awesome beer) cooler backpack, that he aroused the attention of Stephane's security people. In an instant, we were pepper-sprayed and tasered. When they discovered that we’d only brought this great man a gross of plastic knives and forks for use eating his hotdawgs like last year, they parked the taser and the pepper spray in favor of an old-fashioned beating.

 

Syncro

 

PS: I wrote this from my Blackberry in the back of a paddy wagon...Wha...f@7ck you....over my dead.....No .....No not the tas......

That...ouch is ..ouch all!