A skyrocketing murder rate coupled with crumbling infrastructure, record welfare, rampant corruption and breathtaking mismanagement placed Baltimore ahead of St. Louis, Chicago, and even Detroit to win this year's Liberal Utopia award (below), according to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) on Wednesday.
"I feel like it's our time to shine," said Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh upon hearing the news.
Saudis Deny Lips Found In Embassy Are Khashoggi's
A Saudi spokesmansaid that a pair of lips found inside their consulate in Turkey "has no connection whatsoever" to missing journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The bloody lips were discovered in a planter by a Turkish forensic team allowed to search the building.
"We know there were accidents during the construction of this building - to not find body parts would be newsworthy."
Trump Threatens Immigrant Mob
An angry President Trump warned the growing group of immigrants marching toward the US border that he may settle them in the city of Baltimore if they enter the country.
"They thought they lived in a dangerous shithole back home - they have no idea," Trump told reporters Thursday morning.
Senator Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) condemned the threat, calling the proposed move "a death sentence."
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Attorney Michael Avenatti announced today that he is representing a woman who claims SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her just two years ago.
"My client is willing to testify under oath that Brett Kavanaugh, sporting makeup and wig to make him appear as a young black man, violently sodomized her with a Wham-O Water Wiggle at a private pool party approximately two or three years ago somewhere in Kentucky or Tennessee," Avenatti told reporters Friday morning.
"Because of the attack, this poor woman has developed a hysterical fear of garden hoses and refuses to shower. Brett Kavanaugh must be held accountable."
Senator Diane Feinstein (RTRD- Ca) called the accusation "the smoking gun we've been waiting for," and called for Kavanaugh's immediate arrest.
Extinct woolly mammoths, dinosaurs, cave lions, and other long-gone species will be brought back to life in a new multi-million dollar cloning facility in Yakutsk, Russia - the world's coldest city.
Russian government officials claim the Jurassic Park-style center will be a "world class paleo-genetic scientific hub." President Vladimir Putin will dedicate the center next month.
Sarah Palin Excluded From McCain Funeral
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who was Sen. John McCain's (RINO-AZ) running mate in the 2008 presidential election, has been excluded from his funeral.
McCain fundraiser Carla Eudy confirmed that Palin had not been invited — presumably at the behest of the McCain family.
When asked by a reporter what she would be doing instead, Palin replied, "Celebrating at home."
President Rampages Against Fakes
President Trump raged on Twitter Thursday morning against all things fake, including fake news, fake interviews, fake books, and more. "If it's fake, I hate it. I absolutely hate it." the President Tweeted.
In possibly related news, First Lady Melania Trump checked into a local surgery center Thursday morning for what the White House is calling 'a minor elective cosmetic procedure."
Russian City Prepares For Dinosaur Attacks
Sources say local officials in the remote Russian city of Yakutsk are drawing up plans to defend their population against possible attacks by "roving packs of autistic, malformed, giant prehistoric beasts."
Plans are said to include giving every citizen a case of vodka, an elephant gun, and a box of band-aids.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - The Democratic National Committee's alert that Russians were attempting to access their voter base was a false alarm, according to the FBI.
The report comes after the DNC, which was hacked by Russian intelligence officers during the 2016 presidential campaign, said Tuesday it had contacted the Federal Bureau of Investigation after being alerted to attempts by an unknown party to gain access to the DNC’s VoteBuilder database.
According to an FBI source, the attempted entry was traced to Hillary Clinton's basement server where "an unknown party attempting to log onto a 'plumper teens' adult site briefly accessed the database by mistake."
DETROIT, Michigan (World News Bureau) - Police are investigating a reported break-in Monday night at a Detroit mortuary where the body of Aretha Franklin is being prepared for a public viewing and funeral.
Reports say a security guard called police after hearing a sustained, loud "whirring" noise coming from a refrigerated storage area. A search of the area turned up no signs of forced entry, but one body reportedly showed signs of being moved. Authorities would not confirm the identity of the body, but one source confirmed it was Franklin.
In an odd coincidence, the incident occurred while singer Madonna was giving a tribute to Franklin during last night's MTV Music Awards.
PORTLAND, Oregon (World News Bureau) - Abortion promoter National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) has joined with an Oregon company to sell ice cream promoting "the wholesale slaughter of unborn babies."
One flavor, "Bloody Roe vs. Wade," features dark cherry ice cream with macerated cherries in the shape of fetal limbs.
Half of the sale of the ghoulish taste treat will go toward NARAL's efforts of convincing young women, especially those of color, to kill their unborn children.