WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Planned Parenthood announced on Thursday that it is honoring failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton its prestigious Soul Harvester of the Century award at an upcoming ceremony. The award honors Clinton for "her 40 years of service reigning in harmful population growth, especially in the black community."
The honor will be given to Clinton during Planned Parenthood’s 100th Anniversary Gala Of Blood in May.
Hillary Clinton to be awarded Planned Parenthood Soul Harvester Award
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Donald Trump went for the jugular in a vulgar and devasting Tweet directed at North Korean leader Kim Jong-un that has so far drawn condemnation from friends and foes alike.
This marks the thirdtime in the last several weeks that President Trump has taunted the fierce-yet-doughy despot.
Power play: Trump asserts dominance over Kim Jong-un
DAMASCUS, SYRIA (World News Bureau) - A released joint statement by the command center for Russia and Iran forces in Syria warned the United States and its allies that they will "respond to any aggression."
Russian President Vladimir Putin called the US airstrike against the Syrian airbase "crossing a red line" and warned that another attempt to attack the airbase will be met with "overwhelming force" by fortified defenses.
A photo leaked Monday of the defenses in question (below) may shed light on what sources behind the scenes claim is growing friction between Iran and Russia over their respective roles.
PYONGYANG, DPRK (World News Bureau) - North Korean leader Kim Jong-un on Friday defiantly called the U.S. cruise missile attack on a Syrian airbase yesterday a meaningless gesture that had no effect on his country's goal of destroying the United States and its allies.
"The DPRK is not impressed with little airplane rockets that are so weak that it takes many to harm a small airport. Soon America and its cowardly friends will feel the fury of giant DPRK missiles carrying death and destruction to all enemies."
An accompanying photo (below) reportedly shows Kim in his "remote make-war room," but embedded GPS info indicates the image was taken nearly a half mile down in a coal mine 40 miles south of Pyongyang.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Former president Barack Obama took to social media Tuesday evening to pressure President Trump to take action against Syria and Russia for the nerve gas attack that killed and injured scores in the Syrian town of Khan Sheikhoun.
"I see where Syrian President Assad apparently used nerve gas on rebels today in direct defiance of the "red line" I wisely and forcefully instituted during my administration. Trump must take decisive action against Assad and Russian forces or suffer a humiliating loss of face and yet another failure for his floundering presidency."
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Despite her denials, photos have surfaced allegedly showing Susan Rice sharing Donald Trump communication intelligence with Obama Senior Security Adviser Ben Rhodes sometime last year (below).
This latest bombshell further indicates possible illegal surveillance activities within the Obama administration and begs the question of how far up the chain of command did it extend? More on this story as it develops.
Susan Rice sharing Trump intelligence data with Ben Rhodes (API photo)
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - An anonymous high level Pentagon source has leaked a plan reportedly being finalized by U.S. intelligence agencies to eliminate North Korea's Kim Jong-un.
According to a document leaked to several news organizations, the plan calls for a small building disguised as a Pizza Hut to be positioned overnight across from the DPRK building containing Kim's primary office. The fake Pizza Hut would be stocked with normal and poisoned pizzas, and the rest is obvious.
"It's a simple, easy to deploy plan with nearly a 100% likely success rate," said the source.
While the White House did not publicly comment on the story, sources in the Trump administration are said to be outraged at the operation being thwarted by yet another leak from within by "deep state" operatives loyal to the past president.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - In response to a growing negative public perception of abortion and increased calls for reduced federal funding for Planned Parenthood, that organization has announced they are changing their name and revamping their image.
"In order to more accurately reflect our range of women's services, Planned Parenthood will now be called "New Life Weight Loss" - an organization geared to enhancing and bettering women's lives." said a press release posted Friday.
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (World News Bureau) - North Carolina lawmakers have reached a deal to repeal the state's controversial law prohibiting mentally ill transgender people from using restrooms in accordance with their fantasy gender identity.
The compromise, reached with Democratic Governor Roy Cooper, would still ban anyone with a penis from using female restrooms, but allows anyone without one to use any restroom they feel comfortable with.
"Hey, this was always about not having some guy in a dress perving it up in the women's bathroom, but if some chick wants to hang out with us in the men's john, we're okay with that - at least if they're under 200 pounds," said one Republican lawmaker.
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Sen. John McCain wasted no time in doubling down after fat-shaming North Korean leader Kim Jong-un into threatening to destroy America.
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) lashed out at McCain this morning in response to his referring to Kim as "the crazy fat kid" during a recent interview.
"Our glorious Supreme leader is blessed with a powerful and athletic stature so when he standing next to frail countrymen gives false illusion he big, but he not - everyone else too small. This grave insult warrants the immediate nuclear bomb destruction of the United States."
McCain immediate responded with a Tweet showing a blubbery Kim dancing (below), a move that some say may push the plush-yet-fiery despot over the edge.
McCain's longtime penchant for viciously mocking Asians is legendary - and obviously understandable.
Going too far? Sen. John McCain fat-shames Kim Jong-un
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (World News Bureau) - Concerned parents of children attending first grade in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg school district have forced the district to change a textbook glorifying transgender behavior in boys.
"Let them push this politically-correct crap to mentally ill kids in California. In North Carolina boys are boys and girls are girls and a boy that prances around in a dress is begging for an ass-whipping and a healthy dose of electroshock therapy," said one parent.
The original text was changed to more accurately reflect reality, according to an attorney representing the parents.
LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - A small group of butthurt young progressives has created a loose national movement devoted to the destruction of Donald Trump's presidency.
The group, consisting primarily of students and unemployed "entrepreneurs," published an online 26-page document in mid-December, called "Indivisable: A Practacal Guide for Resisting the Trump Agenda." George Takei, the geriatric rump-riding "C" list celebrity of "Star Trek" fame, tweeted it to his 2.2 million followers, and the movement was born.
Indivisable outlines advanced key strategies for members to follow in obtaining their goals, including:
When attending a Republican town hall, make sure and wait for a quiet moment to start screaming at the top of your lungs about things such as global warming, transgender rights, and open borders.
When screaming, try to use as many expletives (curse words) as possible - this tells the opposition that you are serious, drawing them to your cause.
Front line operatives should be unattractive, skinny or grossly overweight females with frizzy hair, glasses, and wearing hemp clothing. Male counterparts should be similar with as much unkempt facial hair as possible.
Remember, a moderate to high level of intoxication always provides an elevated degree of effectiveness in swaying your opposition to your side.
If protesting outside, always attempt to block traffic with your bodies*.
Indivisable's popularity has drawn support from notable left-leaning companies such as Ben & Jerry's (Angry Asshole Almond) and organizations like Black Lives Matter and the American Communist Party.
*Unless you are operating in a state with laws absolving motorists of blame for running over protesters in the street - in these areas look for a Starbucks to attack.
LONDON, England (World News Bureau) - Just one day after a Muslim terrorist killed three and injured scores more in this city, British Prime Minister Theresa May was attacked while visiting the predominately Muslim district of Whitechapel in East London. Mrs. May, who insists that Islam had nothing to do with yesterday's terror attacks, was visiting the neighborhood to show her solidarity with the city's burgeoning Muslim immigrant population.
Sources say the Prime Minister was shaking hands in front of a mosque when she was suddenly surrounded by dozens of young men and boys who proceeded to "grope and fondle" her before her outnumbered security detail was finally able to pull the politician from the raucous crowd. Afterward, a shaken but apparently unharmed May was photographed smoking a cigarette (below) while aides attempted to recover articles of her clothing.
The cheeky Prime Minister later quipped to reporters, "If I have a son, I'm going to name him Muhammad."
British Prime Minister Theresa May after Whitechapel assault
DPRK (World News Bureau) - Pentagon intelligence sources confirm that undercover operatives in North Korea were responsible for a missile exploding during an attempted launch early today.
"All I can say is that one of our people was able to substitute a critical German-made component with a similar part out of a Black & Decker coffeemaker - the result was predictable," said the source.
A British spy satellite recorded the massive explosion, which appeared to kill the man who had just lit the fuse and destroyed a pickup, 2 mopeds, a small shed (which may have been the launch control center), and a goat.
U.S. agents were reportedly tipped off about the upcoming launch after the North Korean military released photos yesterday showing leader Kim Jong-un personally fueling an advanced Type 10 Shitstome Dethdhong Mark V intermediate range missile (below).
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un fuels missile (DPRK Military)
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) is blaming Republicans for an incident on Monday where she was trapped in a federal building for nearly six hours.
Reports say Waters was attempting to exit the building only to find the door "locked," trapping her until a security guard finally freed her hours later. An investigation into the incident determined that an unknown person had apparently taped a handwritten sign that said "Push" on a door that could only be opened by pulling. "This was clearly a Republican effort to sidetrack my efforts to impeach this illegitimate president for working with the Russians. I will be calling for a full investigation," Rep. Waters told reporters Tuesday morning.
Sources say Waters was taken to an area hospital where she was treated for a urinary tract infection and severe exhaustion.
Trapped: Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) held hostage for hours by dirty trick
IN EARTH ORBIT (BHN) - Shocking photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un commanding his forces from a death star reportedly in orbit somewhere above South Korea.
In a hastily-called news conference, South Korean General Hung Li Mas exclaimed, "Hory Crap, we didn't even know Kim had death star! He saying to his enemies, 'Rook at my big space penis, it gonna rain death and destruction from above."
The startling images send the strongest indication yet that the aggressive, yet plush Kim is continuing to send out startling images. South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to this latest threat by staging wiener dog races and an ice cream social in Seoul.
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals on bridge of death star