Scooter's Report

Brits Go Soft!

TGIF peeps.

While I haven't had the time to personally monitor the British invasion of Iran, my correspondent and close friend Pepe has. He reports today that one or two of the British seamen and the one PMSing seawomen have evidently had a change of heart and publicly apologized for their actions. Pepe said that the woman is even wearing a tablecloth on her head just like the locals - bad sign. The good news for the U.K. is that still leaves 12 or 13 sailors holding the country, so it's not going anywhere unless they also go soft.

Pepe says the British government is getting pretty mad about these public apologies, and might even attack their own sailors to secure the country. All I know is if these few sailors manage to influence the others and they give Iran back, any hope we had of .35 a gallon gas will be gone, but at least one Middle East country will be free of foreign occupation.

Scooter peace out.

Brits Victory Lunch, & Other News

Hello peeps.

Yesterday's parading of British soldiers was a real snooze-fest as it seems these guys were too tired to do anything but just eat lunch after conquering the country of Iran. In the film we see the female sailor has re-joined the group after probably looting a drugstore for Midol.

In other news:

• I recently got back together with the lovely Fran Nan Vutti after tiring of the company of shallow Hollywood starlets and superficial Victoria Secret's models. Plans to dine at Olive Garden are underway.
• Pepe also has a new girlfriend and is planning on getting her name tattooed on his back right under his sister's name and next to his ex-girlfriend's name, which he's getting altered into a picture of the Virgin Mary.
• I'm thinking of getting new carpet in my living room.
• The lady next door tried to get me arrested for peeping at her while she showered. Fortunately the police didn't press charges when I showed them how impossible it is NOT to see into her bathroom when hanging upside-down in my orange tree.

Scooter peace out.

Brits to Parade around Tehran

Good morning, especially to my millions of international reader peeps.

In an incredible twist to the already confusing British occupation of Iran, reports are coming out of Tehran indicating the 14 male British sailors are planning a victory march through the streets of that occupied city. News reports say the lone female sailor is being sent back to the U.K. after becoming psychotic during a bout of PMS.

Surely now the wild rumors that Iran "captured" these members of one of the world's most powerful military forces will subside. The question now is what is the U.K. going to do with Iran?

Scooter peace out.

News & Protest

Good morning peeps.

News highlights:

• The latest word is that those 15 British sailors are still somewhere inside Iran, and while it's still unsure whether they are attacking Iran or Iran is attacking them, the fact remains they are still occupying a sovereign country. Henceforth, Pepe and I are continuing our protest and again today will be seeking a British embassy somewhere to protest in front of. Somebody said there's one in San Francisco, but I'm not driving that far, so we might just have to go back to the Land Rover dealership in San Jose and protest there.
• The autopsy report was released on Anna Nicole Smith, and it basically said she died from a drug overdose (insert gasping-in-disbelief sound here). Well, not exactly 'a' drug overdose, but more like 'drugs' overdose, as she contained more different synthetic substances than your average Dow Corning plant, not even counting her huge artificial fun-bags. On top of all that, she supposedly had over 2000% of the government recommended average daily requirement of Trimspa in her system. Eeks!
• On the personal front, Peace Moonbeam called me last night and wants to talk about teaming up for some protest work. We're doing lunch at Olive Garden tonight (her treat) to discuss it.

Scooter peace out.

Bloody Unlikely

Morning, peeps.

Pepe called me last night and claimed that the Iranians actually kidnapped the British sailors, and not what I reported earlier. If this is so I apologize, but here's why it can't be:

• Great Britain has a yooge modern navy and bunch of highly-trained sailors. Iran's biggest vessel has two outboard motors, and is manned by what appears to be hobos wearing drapes and turbans.
• The British vessels have sophisticated radar and GPS tracking that allows them pinpoint navigation, and the ability to monitor their environment for over 50 miles in every direction. The only cloaking available to the Iranian sailors are lying down in the boat and running on only one outboard (stealth mode).
• British seamen are well-armed with the latest weaponry. The Iranians have rusty Soviet pocket knives and a bunch of sharp clam shells.

I think we can all agree that it is unlikely at best that the Iranian Navy somehow snuck up and captured those British seamen. I'm sticking with my original story below.

Scooter peace out.

          Iranian Battleship

Brits In Iran!!!

Good morning peeps.

I just found out there are like 15 British sailors in Iran! Am I the only one upset about this? Where's the outrage? Where's the condemnation? Are we just going to sit here while this happens? Well? Are we?

It was one thing when Bush and Blair decided to invade a sleepy little country like Iraq to steal their oil, but now to invade Iran just because they have some creaky, half-finished Soviet reactor is just ridiculous! And what are 15 British sailors going to do against a yooge army of decapitating, exploding future New York City cab drivers? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT. It just shows how stupid Bush and Blair are, sending in 15 guys, not even army guys, to probably blow up the reactor and steal some oil, with the obvious hope that nobody would notice. WELL WE NOTICED! (Sorry for shouting, but I'm pissed.)

Pepe and I are are organizing a protest march this afternoon at the British embassy, if we can find one. Everyone is welcomed to join us, especially if you bring some weed and sandwiches.

Scooter peace out.

PS: Bring some beer too.

The Fame Game

TGIF peeps.

Several of you have inquired about my romance with Fran Nan Vutti, the waitress I met at Denny's. Our relationship was progressing nicely up to the point I was awarded the prestigious World's Best Weblog Award. My sudden fame and notoriety may have been too much for her, and certainly her walking in on Paris and me in the bathroom at the Viper Room didn't help. Anyway, I had to cast her aside as her insecurities were putting a serious dent in my happiness.

I don't know if it's fame, money, or just the fact that I'm now so well known and wealthy that seems to attract girls like flies to roadkill. All I know is I've been absolutely AWASH in hotties since I won my yooge award. I don't want to be a name  dropper, but here's some names: Paris, Britney, Lindsay, that chick who was in "Kill Bill," Cher, that really tall brunette Victoria's Secret model with the giganto hooters, the hot black chick with the big hair from "Deal Or No Deal," and many others I can't remember right now.

Meanwhile, my new agent has already booked me on the "Boots and Bobbie" Cleveland morning radio show, a charity car wash in Wichita, and a celebrity golf tournament in Somalia! This weekend I'm going to be hanging out close to the Playboy mansion, so things could get exciting, if you know what I mean.

Ciao, baby.

Scooter peace out.

A Star Is Born

Yo peeps.

Congratulations continue to pour in after yours truly received the 2007 World's Best Weblog Award (see right sidebar). I have been up for two days now, riding an adrenaline rush and answering telephone calls, doing interviews, receiving flowers and presents, and essentially just basking in the glory of winning the Internet's biggest award of the year.

Yesterday afternoon I went shopping for a new Mercedes S600, and even found a silver one that was PERFECT, but when the snooty sales guy wouldn't let me drive it or even sit in it, I told him to bite me, and me and my entourage left in a huff. I'm thinking at this point maybe a Toyota Prius would be better, as it may buy all of us an extra hour or two on earth, before we suffer the inevitable flaming death that Al Gore has arranged.

Also, yesterday I hired an agent who will set up all the stuff for me to do that will make me even more famous. I was lucky to get this guy as he was Bobby Dermer's (voice of "Grumpy Bear" in the Care Bears movies) agent, and in great demand. Already he's talking about maybe getting me the lead role in the next "Titanic" movie! I can hardly wait to see Kate Winslet naked! It seems like everything is moving so FAST.

I gotta go now, as I have an interview with the hosts of "Good Morning San Juan." Ciao, baby (star talk).

Scooter peace out.

We Win / Top News

Hello peeps.

Today is kind of a slow news day, but I'll hit the highlights for you:

• Scooter's Report wins the coveted "2007 World's Best Weblog Award." Thanks to the international panel of  WBWA judges, and you, my faithful readers, I'm going shopping for a new Mercedes S600 this afternoon! Yeah!
• Al Gore continues to absolutely scare the crap out of everybody on Capitol Hill as he testifies about the rapidly-approaching destruction of earth. Near the end of yesterday's remarks, one member of Congress reportedly tried to hang himself in a restroom stall, and several others were carried out after supposedly overdosing on sedatives. More on this as it develops.
• The House approved issuing subpoenas for Karl Rove and other top White House aides. I'm not sure what this is about exactly, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do paternity questions surrounding Anna Nicole's baby.
• Speaking of Anna Nicole, she was recently not seen being escorted from a trendy L.A. nightspot after reportedly being so inebriated she could hardly stand. Onlookers did not claim she went from table to table asking strangers, "Do you like ma body?" before vomiting on one of Lindsay Lohan's bodyguards.

Scooter peace out.

Pros & Cons

Hey peeps.

From the many emails I've received pleading for me to re-think yesterday's decision to stop replying to your comments, I decided to weigh the the pros and cons:

Pros:

• Gives my readers a sense of importance, communicating directly with one of the internet's premier blog personalities.
• Makes me feel good about myself, reaching down to those who idolize me.
• Replying gives me a chance to be mean to those readers I don't really like.

Cons:

• Takes me away from cocktail parties, Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and the rest of my close real friends.
• Requires me to try and act nice to uneducated, unemployed internet addicts.
• Inflicts more wear and tear on my already over-taxed fingertips.
• Forces me to defend myself against several vicious, hateful readers who don't give me the respect my talent deserves.

Conclusion:

I already told you I don't have time. Quit bothering me or I'll write for some other people.

Scooter peace out.

 

News News News

Happy Monday peeps.

Sorry I didn't post over the weekend, but as you can probably guess the life of a media celebrity is a frenzied one, what with all the parties, interviews, fine dining, etc. Also, along these same lines, as much as I enjoy replying to the zillions of adoring comments I receive every day, I simply don't have the time. Please don't take it personally, except you two or three pinheads who continually make disparaging comments about me - in your cases it's personal.

NEWS NEWS NEWS:

• Barack Hussein Obama body-slammed Hillary "JFK" Clinton with his kewl internet spot showing her in a take-off of "1984." It scared the crap out of me so bad, I almost made the jump right past Obama and into the Republican Party. Almost.
• Al Gore is braving extreme cold to testify at the Capitol concerning global warming. As cold as it is in that part of the country, I'm sure the grilling will be welcomed by Big Al.
• John McCain, riding around on the "Straight Talk Express" (just like the Polar Express only with no gay talk allowed), vowed to fix the world's view of the Ugly American. I know John has some serious coin, but I had no idea he could afford liposuction for our entire population. If Obama scares me into the GOP, I may have to vote for John, especially if he throws in a little Botox.

That's it for now.

Scooter peace out.

Blown Bill (not Clinton)

Uh, TGIF reader peeps.

I know I sound down - it's because Democrats failed to muster the needed votes to advance a bill calling for the retreat  surrender redeployment of U.S. forces in Iraq. I just don't understand the Republicans and even two Dems (!) who refused to support this attempt to win this war  support our troops combat terrorism  fight global warming  save the whales pass a bill. I guess they didn't hear America's call for change during the midterm elections.

To make matters worse, reports coming out of Iraq indicate that since the "surge," terror attacks and U.S. deaths have sharply declined, things that will no doubt fuel this administration's foolish goal of "winning" this conflict. I've complained before about the Republican's compulsion of always having to "win" every war. Until they learn that winning forces someone else to lose, we will never be a sensitive and caring society. At least there's a good chance our next President will be a Democrat, so this situation will probably change.

Scooter peace out.

Poem: "Fran, Part 2"

Yo peeps.

Due to your overwhelming requests (especially from you hotties) for more of my love-poetry, here you go:

Fran, Part 2

When I look into your eyes,

I can see where hotness lies,

and I forget about all that's bad,

like that b*tch Blanch that made me mad.

I see so deep into your soul,

like staring into a blackened hole.

Not the hole that is your mouth,

not the bad hole further south,

but the imaginary one leading to that soul,

so deeply buried like a hunk of coal.

Oh, how I seek that loving ore,

like a miner searching earth's dirty core.

I know that somewhere in your deep dark pit,

Is love and happiness, no badness, no sh*t.

I want to go spelunking for your heart.

Scooter peace out.

Poem: "Fran"

Hi peeps.

Many of you are breathlessly waiting for an update on my budding romance with the gorgeous and beautiful Fran Vutti, so here it is.

We speak every night, where I read romantic poetry that I have written just for her. I have always been talented at writing poetry, but Fran has inspired me to a whole new level of rhyme and beauty that elevates one's soul and sets the spirit free to fly like a large bird. Here's just a sample:

"Fran"

Fran, when I hear your sweet name,

I feel absolutely no shame,

in telling the world that I love you just the same

as if you were Britney Spears,

with huge hooters and gobs of fame.

When you called me Hon,

I knew you were the one,

to stand by my side on life's wild ride,

having fun in the sun as my wife, guide, and bride.

My waitress you were,

my lover you'll be,

I can't wait to kiss you

and your naughty parts see.

You are the wind beneath my wheels,

the spark within my heart.

When your tender touch meets my skin,

I uncontrollably fart.

You move me.

Scooter peace out.

                                                                            

News: Today's Top Stories

Hey peeps.

I'm too busy to chit-chat, so here's some news:

• Anna Nicole Smith is still dead. The good news is she has lost another 17 pounds! Trimspa, baby!
• Today's JFK (Hillary) has reportedly been secretly bedding Hollywood actresses. Also, word has it that her back problems, the result of injuries received in the war when her PT boat sank, have been causing her great discomfort. More on these later.
• In response to Marine General Peter Pace's recent comments calling homosexual acts "immoral," Gay activist groups "Sodomites United" and "Butt Boys International," as well as the Hairstylists Local 206, have demanded an apology and "photos of the general in a thong."
• I am preparing for my dream date with the beautiful Francis (Fran) Nan Vutti, hopefully the next Mrs. Scooter Van Neuter.

Scooter peace out.

Hillary Does JFK

Good morning peeps.

Over the weekend, Hillary presented herself as today's JFK. This surprising revelation was immediately followed by an invitation to speak at the Young Republicans Club of Dallas, Texas. In addition to a lucrative speaking fee, the Club is also offering an open parade limosine and heavy promotion of the event.

Personally, I am against this whole thing. Why would Republicans want to promote Hillary Clinton - it just doesn't make sense. Hillary, don't do it.

Scooter peace out.

Denny's Dish Part 2

Happy Saturday peeps.

To pick up where I left off yesterday, the extremely sensual leg rubbing our waitress Fran gave me was just about too much. Fortunately I had time to regroup while she got our drinks. I told pretend-date Consuela to act like she was hot for me in front of Fran, so she could see how desirable I was. Immediately Consuela was all over me like a walrus on a penguin! By the time Fran returned, I was being violently dry-humped against the wall of our booth. Only after harpooning my "date" in the leg a couple of times with my fork was I able to break free from her iron grip and considerable heft.

Looking up, I saw Fran waiting to take our order, and by the look of longing on her face knew my strategy had worked perfectly. Obviously wanting to claim me for her own, she said, "What are you having, Sugar?" Going from "Hon" to "Sugar" pretty much said to Consuela "I'm his woman now," and to me,"I want to wear you like a toga." Her smoldering eyes eagerly undressed me, then re-dressed me in a hot cowboy outfit. Next, her eyes dressed herself in a daring Indian maiden outfit that was extremely skimpy and 100% HOT. I can't tell you what she did to me with her eyes after that, but it was the fulfillment of every fantasy I've ever known!

Looking deep into those burning pools of desire, I said, "I'll take the Grand Slam and your phone number." She replied, "Do you think you can handle it?" "The Grand Slam or your phone number?" I asked. She said, "Either." Squinting my eyes, I said, "The question is can YOU handle it?" "The Grand Slam or the phone number?" she asked. I replied, "Me." She licked her luscious lips and said, "I can handle all three." "We'll see about that," I said. She reached out and tenderly stroked my hair and I farted like a party balloon.

Next stop: Love.

Scooter peace out.

Denny's Sweetest Dish

TGIF reader peeps.

After telling you all about Fran, the Dennys' waitress who stole my heart, one of my faithful readers reminded me that nothing lands a hottie like already having a hottie on one's arm. With this in mind, I called my friend Pepe to see if I could borrow one of his cousins to act as my girlfrend on my return visit to Denny's. Of course he said "Si" and for $125 sent over Consuelo - not my first choice for a pretend girlfrend, but a woman nevertheless.

Upon taking our seats at Denny's, Fran quickly appeared and warmly welcomed me back while again calling me "Hon" in an incredibly sexy way I can't describe. Handing me a menu, she eyeballed me like Rosie O'Donnell does a cheesecake, prompting me to break out in a heated sweat that filled the air with the musk of my manly desire.

In a brazen move to steal me from my "girlfrend" Consuelo, Fran turned to get our drink order and lustily brushed my leg that was sticking out in the isle with her own! I can't describe the electricity and heat that I felt, but I'll just say it was enough to make me unexpectantly fart like an electrocuted duck, something no woman has ever made me do before! She apparently didn't notice, and modestly acted like touching me was an accident, even though we both knew it wasn't. I broke out in a rash and maybe the worse case of chicken skin ever from the excitement.

I can't go on right now. I'll finish this later.

Scooter peace out.

Me and fake girlfrend Consuelo

Love Is In The Air

Hey hey hey peeps.

If you wonder why I sound so vibrant, so alive today, it's because I just may have met the future Mrs. Van Neuter! Her name is either Jan or Fran and she's a waitress at the Denny's restaurant down the street. I was there last night with Pepe, and every time she talked to me she called me "Hon" which is short for the VERY affectionate "Honey." She was like, "Can I refill that coffee, Hon?" and "Can I get you anything else, Hon?" and other suggestive things like that.

Pepe said she was undressing me with her eyes but she was doing SO much more. While serving my Grand Slam breakfast she gave me a look that very slowly undressed me, gave me a long, sensual back rub with baby oil, then started sliding around on me while making out like there was no tomorrow! It was the hottest look any living being has ever given me, and it left me panting like a Cocker Spaniel over my pancakes.

I'm going back tonight to seal the deal and get her phone number. Pepe is loaning me his leather pants so I'm going all out on this one. Wish me luck!

Scooter peace out.

Family Shame

Hello peeps.

Yesterday's indictment of Scooter Libby was bittersweet for me. While I join all liberals in delighting over every misfortune of the present administration, I am deeply saddened and ashamed by the tarnishment of my family name. It's a sad thing when somebody in your family tree goes awry of the law, because it casts a pall over the rest of us who work hard to bring dignity to that name we so proudly bear.

If Scooter Libby gets the electric chair, which he no doubt deserves, I will probably petition the courts to legally change my name. I was thinking of something like "Dirk" or "Lance." Anyway, we'll see what happens.

Scooter (not the criminal) peace out.

John's No Faggot

Happy Tuesday peeps.

I was so mad about Ann Coulter's remark referring to Senator John Edwards as a "faggot" that I couldn't even write about it for a couple days.

For the record, John Edwards is about as fine a Democrat and liberal as this earth has ever seen. Not only is he married, but he's probably the closest thing to a religious guy our party has, if you maybe look past his support for abortion, gay marriage, and junk like that. In fact, just yesterday he mentioned how much Jesus, if he were alive today, would hate America's selfishness, thus proving he's in communication with the same "higher powers" as the Republicans.

Coulter's profiling this guy just because of his attractive appearance and genteel mannerisms is even below her, which is really saying something. Oh sure, he's got maybe the most beautiful hair ever, and his face is beyond handsome and possibly even, dare I say, pretty. Fashion is no stranger to this diminutive yet coy political dynamo, and his seductive charisma is beguiling, yet forceful.

I had the pleasure of meeting Senator Edwards at a fund raiser a couple years ago, and outside of him fondling my butt in an innocent display of good-natured friendliness, I never saw the slightest hint of "fagginess" or anything of the sort. Ann, you're way out of line this time, and I'm not going to sit by while you smear one of the finest and prettiest Senators this country has ever known. Go pick on somebody your own size.

Scooter peace out.

   

Black Like Hillary

Hi peeps.

OMG, the battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has taken a turn for the weird. Evidently in an effort to corral some of Obama's black voters, Hillary somehow transformed into a middle-aged black woman while speaking at a Black church! Shortly after this she was seen cleaning the mayor's house while singing spirituals. Tomorrow she's scheduled to appear at a Vietnamese market in LA as an old Asian woman - this should be interesting!

Hillary just may be what this country needs, someone who truly is all things to all people. All I know is, her stock just went up with me!

Scooter peace out.

We Owned Slaves

Yo yo yo peeps.

I don't know if you heard, but somehow someone traced Al Sharpton's lineage and found that one his ancestors was owned by one of the late Republican Senator Strom Thurman's ancestors! Uh oh! How embarrassing is THAT? It goes without saying that Al has every right to demand a new Cadillac from Thurman's kids, but this got me thinking about my own family tree, as my roots also go back to the South. Before I used them as fireplace kindling, I went through the boxes of family records handed down to me by my Grandmother Viola Van Neuter, and here's what I found:

My Great-Great-Grandfather Euter Van Neuter, gentleman farmer from South Carolina, unfortunately did own slaves. An impeccable record keeper, in one of his ledgers I found neatly written the names of his slaves, and what I found shattered every liberal foundation my being rests upon! It turns out at one time my family owned ancestors of Oprah Winfrey, Jesse Jackson, Congressman Charlie Rangel, James Brown, that guy who played "Huggy Bear" on "Starsky and Hutch," Al Roker, and the '84 Harlem Globetrotters! Oh crap!

It goes without saying I've got to give these people something before they come after me for reparations, so I'm making really nice gift baskets for them all. Included in these real Mexican hand-woven baskets are: a Confederate flag (symbolizes the evil racial and social inequality of those times), a picture of me dressed as a brutha while protesting in support of Cynthia McKinney in Washington DC, a $25 gift certificate good at any Popeye's Fried Chicken outlet, a big bag of pot that Pepe chipped in, and finally, a genuine yooge fake gold chain necklace that just screams, "I'm really sorry." And I am.

Scooter peace out.

I Wanna Be Like Al

TGIF peeps!

I finished "greening" my life yesterday. I scientifically calculated that I reduced my carbon footprint from a mens size 12.5 to a ladies size 2 with these energy-saving measures:

• Oiled the front of my Chevy Suburban for less wind friction, thus better fuel economy. Side benefit: It will now go over 200 MPH!
• Halfway filled my gas tank with ping pong balls so it will use half as much gas (I know, this is FREAKING GENIUS and works GREAT).
• Put 125 lbs. of air in my tires. Rolling resistance = almost zero!
• Put a screw in my car's dashboard that doesn't allow the heater temperature control knob to go to the hottest setting.
• Super-glued all the little holes in my shower head except one. (I may have to undo this innovative low-flow design as the water stream now cuts me like a laser beam, as evidenced by my hundreds of lacerations.)
• Tied tight knots in all power cords to significantly reduce electricity reaching devices. Unfortunately I had to undo knots in the cord on my main reading lamp (light too dim), and microwave (food under cooking).
• Turned down the brightness on my TV, and bass on my stereo (slightly).
• Broke the seal and removed the glass cover off my electric meter so I could slow the little spinning wheel with some foam rubber. Immediately my electricity usage dropped by over 82%! I managed to put the seal back on so you can't see where I cut it, for hopefully permanent savings.
• Lastly, ran and buried an extension cord from my neighbor's patio receptacle to my refrigerator since she probably owes me carbon credits because of my savings.

Scooter peace out.

I'm Afraid Of Our Climate

Good morning, my legion of faithful reader peeps.

The title of today's post says it all: Al Gore has made me afraid of the climate because I'm now absolutely certain it's trying to kill me. Last night I couldn't sleep, thinking about the fact that the only thing separating me from this killer climate was just several inches of wall. I finally was able to sleep after moving to the closet. I woke up knowing I have to do my part to reverse this global warming/cooling/changing thing. Here's what I've done so far:

• Taped 8 plys of Bounty paper towels over the end of my Suburban's tailpipe. This works like a secondary catalytic converter, or in my case, like a primary catalytic converter since I remove mine to pick up a few more horsepower.
• I put a potato under my vehicle's accelerator pedal to restrict excessive acceleration. I figure if I am in an emergency situation, like needing to race a Hyundai to the on ramp, I can mash hard and crush the potato (I really thought this out).
• I set up 4 small electric heaters to blow on my gas hot water heater so I could save some energy. As I don't have any extra outlets in my garage, I had to purchase a small generator to power the heaters.
• I closed the heater vents in my bedroom and bought an electric blanket and small electric heater. This allows me to funnel more warm air to the living room and safely turn down the aquarium heater thermostat 2 degrees. (If my fish starts dying, I will be forced to undo this change.)
• I am bathing in a jog suit so I can use slightly cooler water.
• I unplugged all small appliances until they are needed.
• I have shut off the rear speakers on my surround sound system.

This is only a beginning, but at least I'm no longer part of the problem.

Scooter peace out.