Scooter's Report

Rosie O'Donnell Fan Club!

Good morning peeps.

With the complete and total failure of Pepe's intervention, I've come up with a brilliant plan B: I've created a Rosie O'Donnell Fan Club and turned it over to Pepe. He's always loved Rosie and now that he's gay, that love has gone to an all new incomprehensible level.

The genius of my idea is that maybe now Pepe will gravitate to the "butch" end of the gay spectrum, hopefully switching from hot pants and sun dresses to Levis and shirts. I'm banking he'll also lay off the makeup and start liking girls, too. I personally think Pepe would make a really great lesbian.

If nothing else, at least I can be seen in public with him, and maybe his family will quit trying to kill him. We'll see how it works out.

Scooter peace out.

Pepe's Intervention

TGIF peeps.

Okay, yesterday I had an intervention for Pepe. From watching the "Intervention" TV show I knew I had to get his close family members to tearfully plead with him to get help with his problem (gayness), and threaten him with abandonment if he didn't (tough love). Waiting for Pepe to arrive at my house last night was his mother, Consuelo, and his elderly Grandma Inez.

I'd lured Pepe over by asking him to help me redecorate my living room. Imagine his surprise when I opened the door and there in front of him were his closest loved ones! I grabbed his arm before he could run, pulled him inside, and seated him on the couch by himself. He obviously knew something was up, and squirmed like an eel on a waffle iron as his mother and grandmother stared at him with tears in their eyes.

I spoke up and said, "Pepe, you know that we all love you and care about you. We just can't idly sit by as you ruin your life. Your loved ones here have something they want to say to you." At that, I motioned for his mother to join him on the couch so she could read her statement. Consuelo sat down next to her son, tearfully looked into his watering eyes and said softly, "Pepe, I jus wan to say..." then suddenly she violently slapped the snot out of him and screamed, "FILTY HOMO FILTY HOMO FILTY FILTY!!.." This kind of thing never happens on the TV show! I pulled Momma off Pepe just as she tried to gouge out his right eyeball with his own tiara. I ejected Consuelo from the proceedings, and calmed the sobbing Pepe and Grandma.

After restoring order, I asked Pepe's grandmother to please sit next to her grandson and read her statement of love and concern. The next thing I know, this frail little old lady comes sailing across the room like a flying squirrel on crack! Grandma's hurling tiny outstretched feet caught Pepe square in the nuts, sending him and the couch reeling backwards to the floor! HOLY POPE ON A ROPE! By the time I got over there, she was viciously lunging at Pepe with a butcher knife! YIKES! I tackled her into the stereo cabinet, then locked her outside before she could regain consciousness. Well, this worked out just great.

Needless to say, Pepe was very badly shaken, as was I. After he re-applied his makeup, we went to Olive Garden for unlimited salad and bread sticks, where I quietly contemplated my next move to save my friend.

Scooter peace out.

                      "Help me."

To Help A Friend

Good morning peeps.

You regular readers know that my business partner and good friend, Pepe Rivera, was recently deported back to Mexico, and shortly thereafter re-entered the United States. After hearing about San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's declaration to make his city a sanctuary for immigrants, Pepe went to that city. Unfortunately, within a couple days it seems Pepe turned gay, and while there's certainly nothing wrong with that, it's just not a good fit for Pepe. I've lured him back to Berkeley for an intervention by telling him I needed help redecorating my living room.

I've got to go now, as he's going to be here shortly. I'll fill you in on the results tomorrow.

Scooter peace out.

Pepe gone wild in San Francisco

Rosie, etc.

Hello peeps.

Let's rock:

• Rosie is out at ABC's The View. This came just days after she reportedly dropped the F bomb and grabbed her over-sized crotch while shouting, "Eat me!" in front of an audience that included young girls. Needless to say, Rosie's departure will leave a large hole in daytime TV. Extremely large. I'm talking really, really large here. Imagine an asteroid hits Manhattan, the resulting crater is the size of the hole left by Rosie in daytime TV. Seriously, this hole will be so big, it'll have its own zip code. I don't think I can adequately convey how gigantic this hole will be, but let's just say it will be YOOGE X 10 OR BIGGER.
• Speaking of yooge, last night on American Idol, Soul Sista LaKisha shook the stage with a powerful song that left me blubbering like a baby. Afterward, the Scooter's Soul Sista Fan Club International LLC(TM) phone really lit up, with another person joining! Go LaKisha!
• Pepe called to tell me he's enjoying San Francisco so much he's decided to stay. It's painfully obvious by his speech patterns he's turned gayer than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Jamboree. I'm rounding up some of Pepe's cousins for an intervention.

Scooter peace out.

Updates!

Good morning peeps.

Here's some updates:

• Pepe called this morning from San Francisco to tell me he had made it safely. When I asked how he got there from Yuma, he said he just called the S.F. mayor's office and they sent a town car. Sweet. The bad news is Pepe is talking like a valley girl and using the word "fabulous" in just about every sentence.
• According to the Drudge Report (hate it), some soldier in Iraq is taking Senator Harry Reid to task for announcing the war "lost." I think we all know the Senator is in a much better position to gage the status of the war than some guy in Iraq who doesn't have access to the New York Times.
• Scooter's Soul Sista LaKisha Fan Club International LLC(TM) is really picking up steam, and now boasts well over a dozen members from many, many states! As a way of showing my thanks, I'm lowering the membership fee from $29.95 a week to only $4.28*! WOW, get in now or get left in the dust, Soul Sista Lovas!
• The response to my Take A Big Sheet Toilet Paper(Patents Pending) has been great! Here's answers to some questions I've received:

1. Q: Will the roll fit existing holders?  A: Yes, the paper is the same width, only scored in 15" long sheets.
2. Q: Will it come in colors?  A: Yes, it will come in two eco-friendly non-bleached colors, brown and black.
3. Q: How many layers will it be?  A: It will be 2 plies for strength and absorbency. We will also offer our premium "Rosie's Choice" line in a rugged 10 ply, steel belted, 12 sheet roll.

*A day

Scooter peace out.

Pepe Returns and Other News

Good morning peeps.

I just received a phone call from Pepe saying he's back in the country, so I've got to drive to Yuma, Arizona and pick him up. Meanwhile, here's today's top stories:

• Sheryl Crowe proposes one sheet of toilet paper limit per restroom "visit." I think this is brilliant and fully support her.
• In a somewhat-related story, Sheryl Crowe and eco warrior/traveling mate Laurie David confronted Karl Rove at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner. David, world's foremost climatologist, filthy-rich wife of Hollywood producer Larry David, and wannabe lesbian rock groupie, urged Rove, "Take a new look at global warming." Reportedly Rove replied, "I have your global warming right here.." while grabbing his crotch, prompting peels of laughter from conservatives seated at his table. Sources say he then chucked a sourdough roll at the gasping David, hitting her in the forehead as she and Crowe attempted to flee. Disgusting.
• San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom vowed Sunday to maintain his city as a sanctuary for immigrants and do everything he can to discourage federal authorities from conducting immigration raids. In a related story, Pepe just called and said he's headed to San Francisco, so I don't have to drive to Yuma now. Good.
• Lastly, I'm pleased to announce today I'm filing a patent for my new product "Take A Big Sheet Toilet Paper"(Patents Pending), the new eco-friendly toilet paper with 15" individual sheets. Now one sheet will get the job done, saving the planet from global warming, and thus the very lives of every person on earth. Available soon wherever fine toilet paper is sold!

Scooter peace out.

A Very Bad Week

Hello peeps.

Well, things have been so bad I don't even know where to begin. I guess it all started when me, Pepe, and a couple of fan club hotties set sail for Catalina Island on our new Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) 48' Sea Ray sports yacht, Chicken Of The Sea. We enjoyed a wonderful cruise until Pepe steered us into a jetty at the mouth of San Diego harbor while doing body shots off of Sanjaya-Maniac Misty.

Unfortunately, the Chicken went down in just a few minutes while I frantically dialed my insurance agent in a futile attempt to purchase a policy on the soon-to-be Sea Bass Holiday Inn. The good news is both the hotties had large personal flotation devices, and Pepe and I were able to hold on to them till we safely made it to shore. The bad news is that both hotties nearly drowned - please join us in praying for their complete recovery.

Once on dry land, I gave the authorities a statement concerning the accident while Pepe was arrested, beaten, and presumably deported for being in this country illegally. The fact he also drunkenly impugned the moral virtues of the arresting officer's female relatives probably didn't help his case either. Nice, Pepe.

After 6 hours I was finally allowed to leave, and drove home only to find IRS papers posted on my front door outlining the fact that our Sanjaya Fan Club bank accounts had been seized, and all SSFCI property attached and ordered forfeited. I spent the rest of the afternoon drawing a map for the IRS outlining the approximate location of their boat.

After all that, I then heard the shocking news that Sanjaya had been voted off American Idol, which was fine with me as he wasn't all that talented anyway. Judging by the sharp decline of incoming Sanjaya fan club membership PayPals, it had become obvious to me America wanted to support someone new besides, and who am I to argue with this great country?

That's why I'm pleased to announce the new Scooter's Soul Sista LaKisha Fan Club International LLC(TM)! That's right, for only $29.95 a week you can now join with thousands of other LaKisha fans worldwide in supporting this next American Idol! EXTRA: As a special bonus you'll also receive the secret Soul Sista LaKisha(TM) handshake and Soul Sista LaKisha(TM) decoder ring absolutely FREE! WOW! Order now!

In LaKisha,

Scooter peace out.

Sanjaya Fan Club Goes To Sea!

Hello peeps.

We took delivery of our new Sea Ray Sports Yacht yesterday morning. We then spent the next several hours brainstorming to come up with a cool name for it. Pepe wanted to call it "Floater" or "Bobber," which of course is stupid. Looking at some of the other boats at the dock, I noticed the coolest ones were named after fish, so we focused on fish names. Pepe really liked the name "Floating Flounder," but I thought that sounded too much like a dead fish. After several margaritas, we finally agreed on "Chicken Of The Sea" as this is our favorite fish of all.

With that out of the way, we're stocking the Chicken with stores (nautical term) for our first business trip, a 3 day cruise to Catalina Island. As this is an official Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) function, we're taking some of our more-buoyant local female club members to act as crew. Pepe got them some matching sailor outfits, so they'll look the part.

Unfortunately we will be gone until Friday afternoon, so I won't have time to post until Saturday. You'll just have to talk amongst yourselves until then. Ahoy!

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out.

Pepe: "I am an addict!"

Good morning peeps.

As most of you know, our Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) has been a tremendous success, propelling me and Pepe into the good life. Unfortunately with success comes temptation, and I'm afraid Pepe has succumbed to the temptation of substance abuse.

I first started noticing the white powder in his car and on his clothes. I noticed he'd been going through a lot of money, and spending days at a time locked in his room with loose female members of our fan club. He'd also surrounded himself with a bunch of unsavory low-lifes and "hangers-on." It's not hard to understand how someone like Pepe, who's never had much in his life, could get carried away with the filthy pleasures big money can buy.

Looking back, I knew he had a problem, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until I stumbled across over a pound of small wrapped packages hidden under the dirty clothes in his closet. Oh crap, I'd never seen so many Altoids in a residential setting in my life! I immediately confronted Pepe with the evidence. At first he tried to deny he had a problem, but finally broke down in violent sobbing and admitted he was out of control, sometimes eating 10 or more of the potent little tablets at once!

Using my innovative therapy of having him take a 5 mg. Valium every time he craves an Altoid has greatly reduced his mint intake, and now he's getting the sound and constant rest his body requires. The only bad thing is that his breath now smells like a donkey fart, but I know it's worth it.

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out.

Sanjaya Fan Club News Update

Happy Saturday, peeps.

Pepe and I are pleased to announce some exciting changes for our fan club!

Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club International LLC(TM) News:

• Current membership is somewhere between 1300 to 3200 as close as we can tell.
• Me and Pepe purchased a beautiful new 48' Sea Ray Sundancer Sport Yacht for our fan club Thursday! This vehicle will serve as our SSFCI office when at sea. Unfortunately, only hot bikini-clad fan club members will be allowed onboard, and even then only after displaying proficiency in massage, lap-dancing, and cocktail waitressing.
• We've decided to raise membership fees from $199.95 to $299.95 a year and require a 1000 word essay on why we should accept you.
• We are now offering  the exciting new "SSFCI ExpressApp(TM)." This innovative process will fast-track your application process and doesn't require the 1000 word essay. The SSFCI ExpressApp(TM) is available for an additional $75 only to Sanjaya's most sincere fans!
• Sanjaya has requested skimpy bikini photos of all our female club members, 130 lbs and lighter. Please send these to me and Pepe and we'll make sure they get to Sanjaya.

In Sanjaya,

Scooter & Pepe peace out.

In Defense of Al Sharpton

TGIF peeps.

In the wake of the Imus incident there has been somewhat of a backlash against Reverend Al Sharpton. As a proud liberal that has supported Reverend Al for years, I feel a responsibility to come to his defense.

Why Al Sharpton is not a racist:

• He has "white" hair. Absolutely no nappiness.
• Reportedly was seen playing "hide the pickle" with Cindy Sheehan on more than one occasion.
• His limosine has whitewalls.
• Reverend Al, in conjunction with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, regularly accepts "donations" from large white-owned companies to leave them alone.
• Wears white silk underwear.
• Loves white rice.
• Successfully whitewashed the Tawanda Brawley incident.
• A racist would never wear turtleneck shirts with gigantic gold peace signs and other gaudy necklaces. Maybe a rap star or mental patient, but not a racist.

There you have it, undeniable proof Reverend Al is not a racist. I was going to defend The Honorable Reverend Jesse Jackson also, but in my research I concluded that he is, in fact, a racist. Sorry Jesse!

Scooter peace out.

Sanjaya & Other News

Good morning peeps.

Pepe and I are shopping for a new ski boat for Sanjaya's Fan Club this morning, so let's get straight to the news:

• Today's lead story: Sanjaya sails through to the next round on American Idol while Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) continues to draw new members like dog poop draws flies! This horse has legs, thank God.
• 96 year-old radio "shock jock" Imus is suspended for two weeks from his radio program after referring to the Rutgers basketball team as "Nappy-headed hos." Al Sharpton spearheaded the drive to punish Imus by correctly pointing out that "Imus isn't black enough to say those things. Let him cut a  hip hop album, then we'll talk."
• All charges in the Duke rape case have been dropped. Wow, who could have seen THAT coming? Reportedly, new charges are being filed accusing the players of "being too white." More on this as it develops.
• Paternity tests showed Larry Birkhead to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Danialynn. Within hours of taking custody, the child was listed for sale on the auction site ebay with an opening bid of two million dollars.

That's it peeps. We'll close with a few more photos sent in to us by some of our Sanjaya-Maniac fan club members:

Scooter peace out.

Sanjaya Kills!

Happy hump day, peeps.

Wow, did Sanjaya rock the house last night on American Idol, or what? Just thirty seconds into his song, Pepe and me were crying like babies! We were absolutely powerless to resist the beat and the next thing I knew, I was frantically doing the "robot", while Pepe was doing a sobbing, somewhat spastic break-dance, at least until he fell over the coffee table. This is the power of Sanjaya!

So good was this performance that even the judges liked it, with Simon all but calling Sanjaya maybe the best singer ever. Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) membership PayPals were coming in so fast after last night's show that Outlook Express locked up on my computer! We have no idea how many more thousands of dollars rolled in, but the last time we were able to check, our SSFC account held over $147,000! Woohoo!

Like a rabid tick, Sanjaya has embedded himself in the heart and soul of every music lover in American, and Pepe and I pledge to do everything in our power to drive him deeper! Sanjaya-Maniacs forever!

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out.

PS: Pepe and are are getting fitted for our new diamond "grills'" this afternoon so we won't be available for club functions.

Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club Clubhouse!

Happy American Idol Tuesday peeps!

Things have been moving so fast with Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) that Pepe and I haven't had time to do anything but open PayPal emails and buy stuff on ebay! While there's a few evil people who enjoy dissing a great talent like Sanjaya, it's obvious there are zillions of Sanjaya-Maniacs who love him and believe the paltry $199.95 it costs to love Sanjaya through Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) is a small price to pay for the opportunity to support him and possibly even bear his children someday.

YOOGE SSFC NEWS!:

Pepe bought us a clubhouse yesterday! That's right, Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) now has an official meeting place, thanks to the tens of 1000s of dollars you Sanjaya-Maniacs have sent in! Yeah! This isn't just any stupid building though, this clubhouse has WHEELS so we can hold meetings anyplace we like! Want to meet at the beach? Okay! Want to meet at Yellowstone Park? Okay! Want to meet in Pepe's back yard? Okay! How cool is that?

Obviously needing a tow vehicle, Pepe also picked up a modest car to pull the clubhouse around with. The good news is that when we're not pulling the clubhouse, we can use the tow vehicle for Sanjaya errands, car shows, dates, and stuff like that. Way to go, Pepe!

We've got to go wax the tow vehicle now in case we need to pull the clubhouse somewhere or maybe go clubbing tonight. Later, peeps.

In Sanjaya,

Scooter peace out

Sanjaya Fan Club Soars!

Good morning peeps.

Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) continues to grow at a fantastic pace! Pepe and I have taken in over $86,000(!) in membership dues as of last night. At this point we're not even sure how many members we have, but do know it's a lot! Thanks Sanjaya-Maniacs!

You'll all be glad to hear that we have finalized the secret handshake and decoder "ring". Unfortunately, it would take forever to email all of you members individually, and since we've lost track of who you are, we've decided to just publish the information here:

Secret Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club handshake: Approach fellow SSFC member, extend right hand while grasping the hair on top of your head into "Sanjaya Mohawk" with your left hand. Announce "Sanjaya-Maniac!" in falsetto voice while shaking hands. For those of you with short or no hair, left hand is placed on head with fingers splayed and pointing up to mimic Sanjaya Mohawk.

Scooter's Sanjaya Club decoder "ring": Take a piece of paper and going down the page list the letters of the alphabet (Google "alphabet" if you need help with this). Next, starting with "A" place a number next to every letter. For medium security code, just number 1 - 20 or how ever many letters there are. For top-secret code, put random numbers besides letters, but understand you can only send messages to yourself. Now fold piece of paper into a ring and paperclip it together. Write cool messages about Sanjaya using just the numbers and decode using your ring - Cool!

Thanks go out to all of you who have made Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club such a success. Here's just a couple of photos sent to us by some fellow Sanjaya-Maniacs:

Scooter peace out

Sanjaya Fan Club News

Good morning fellow Sanjaya fans.

Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club (TM) is proving to be a YOOGE success! Pepe and I have already taken in more than $42,000 and we still have a bunch of PayPal emails yet to open! Wow!

We haven't had time to reply to any of you, so consider the following as your confirmation:

Dear Sanjaya-Maniac,

We have received $____________ for your ___year membership in Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club (TM), hereafter referred to as "SSFC."

This membership entitles you to the following SSFC benefits:

• Secret handshake. We are still developing this and will contact you when it is perfected.
• Decoder ring for sending and receiving coded messages to other Sanjaya-Maniacs. We are still developing this and will contact you when it is completed. Note: This may be more of a piece of paper than a ring.
• Newsletter. We've decided to do an on-line newsletter and here it is.
• Fellowship with other Sanjaya-Maniacs. We will be sending your personal information to all other members and a few select marketing companies.
• Lifetime permission to read Scooter's Report (subject to banning if you send mean comments).

We thank you for joining Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club and remind you to support Sanjaya with your call-in votes to American Idol and love offerings to Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club, both of which will enhance the possibility of his winning and wanting to personally meet you.

Yours in Sanjaya,

Pepe Rivera & Scooter Van Neuter peace out.

BONUS BONUS BONUS!

Just for you Sanjaya-Maniacs: Sanjaya hulas, then sings "Waiting On The World To Change."  This performance made Pepe cry like a baby!

Sanjaya Fan Club!

TGIF peeps.

Well, I guess I wasn't prepared for the avalanche of mean emails I've received since declaring my support for dreamy American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar. Here is just a sampling:

• "Scooter, you are a *>%#$! for liking that !$#!!* idiot."
• "I wish you were here so I could *#%$! smash you with a *#$!*% cinder block."
• @!#$%# like you make me so !$%! sick I could #)!#%*! puke, you *!$%!!"

Unfortunately, none of these particular messages made sense because of their use of dollar signs, asterisks, and other weird symbols in place of real words. The emails that made sense were absolutely brutal, though.

Sorry, I'm not backing down. In fact I'm starting Scooter's Sanjaya Fan Club(TM) and am offering one year memberships for only $199.99. I'm still working on a secret handshake and even a decoder ring for deciphering coded messages we members can send each other. Ultimately, we will have our own clubhouse and disco were we can meet and dance to Sanjaya's hits. All members will be required to wear their hair "Sanjaya style" and have their teeth whitened, but that probably goes without saying.

Sign up now because I'm only offering 10,000 memberships!

Scooter peace out.

My new hairstyle and whitened teeth

I Walk Alone

Hello peeps.

All of you know I am not above taking a political stand in support of things that advance a liberal agenda, even if it goes against popular opinion. I'd like to think my upbringing has given me the convictions and courage to "walk the lonely road" in the face of adversity, confident that my actions are correct even if the world around me is taking another route. For these reasons I am finally willing to take my stand on an issue that may be polarizing for some of you, but follow my conscience I must (cool, I'm speaking like Yoda).

I'm not afraid to stand tall and proclaim: "Yeah Sanjaya! You GO gir bo singer!" That's right, in the face of overwhelming public opposition to this wonderful talent and impish heart throb, I am pledging my total support for his her it becoming the next American Idol. Also, in a show of solidarity I am wearing my hair "Sonjaya style" until it wins this competition, and I suggest you do the same as a way of telling the world in general, and conservatives specifically, "We don't care what you think, it talks like Michael Jackson, has better hair and a real nose. Bite us."

Scooter peace out.

Easter Gift - Brits Released!

Good morning loyal reader peeps.

Yooge News: Iranian President Mammoo Abdingmadineja announced he is releasing the British sailors as a "gift" to honor the Easter holiday and birth, or hatching, of the Profit Mohammad (peace be up on him). Myself being a devout Muslim at one time, I understand the significance behind Mammoo's generous act, but will explain it to you readers who are not familiar with the customs of traditional Islam:

The Wholly Koran (peace be up on it) teaches us that Allah (peace be up on him) was having his yearly Easter egg hunt in Paradise with the local virgins. Finding an especially large and beautiful gilded gold egg, he decreed that this was to be his Profit. As the crescent moon rose high in the night sky, Mohammad (pbuoh) broke through the golden shell while reciting these sacred words, "Allah Akbar! I am Allah's Profit, peace be up on us both. Get me out of this freakin thing and get me a towel." 

It is customary for all Muslims to give an Easter gift of either an egg, gold, gold egg, something round painted gold, or a British sailor. In surely one of the most beautiful religious customs anywhere, on Easter morning the elder village imam, or holy man, symbolically "hatches" out of a large gold-painted paper mache egg in the town square while reciting Mohammad's sacred words. He then runs around naked, groping virgins while being pelted with gold jewelry and eggs from adoring worshipers. Afterward, there is a yooge feast of scrambled eggs, a virgin wet tee shirt contest, finally followed by the always-somber and moving "Stone the Jew" ceremony.

I'm just glad Mammood is a religious man, or this whole thing may have turned out differently.

Scooter peace out. 

                        

Pelosi, Assad, and News

G'morning peeps.

Let's get straight to the news:

• Nancy Pelosi, maybe the greatest U.S. foreign policy strategist since Jimmy Carter, to meet with Syrian's President Bashar Assad. While nobody exactly knows what this elderly liberal Jewish lady politician is hoping to accomplish by meeting with one of the world's most prolific dictators and premier all-around Jew killer/hater, surely only good things can come of this.
• Bush is chomping at the bit to veto the Democrat's war spending bill just because of an extra twenty billion or so bucks included for much needed stuff like the study of sock elastics, and the mating habits of the dung beetle. Language in the bill setting a "redeployment" date also seemed to bunch W's panties. I guess the Prez isn't serious about funding our troops. Nice job Dems!
• Pepe reports that those British sailors are still being held in Iran, but at this point nobody much cares.
• Anna Nicole Smith is reportedly pregnant again, guaranteeing an above-average earnings year for a good number of Bahamian lawyers. So far claiming to be the child's father are all the usual guys, plus the entire bench of the Florida Marlins and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.

Scooter peace out.

Sailors Surrender!

Good morning peeps.

I don't know about you, but this thing with these renegade British sailors is too confusing to follow. I have been relying on Pepe to monitor the Internet and keep me updated on this situation, but I'm not so sure his marginal English language skills are accurately framing the story.

Anyway, his report today says that all of the British sailors have now apologized for invading Iran and surrendered. Pepe says the Iranians are now holding these sailors as punishment while roving gangs of college students are remodeling the British embassy with chunks of concrete.

On a side note, where do these Iranians get so many chunks of concrete downtown? Are there markets that sell chunks, or are these college students taking apart other buildings to get chunks? And why is it always college students? You never hear of Arab accountants or gynecologists throwing stuff at buildings - why is that? Just once I'd like to hear that a mob of Arab used-car salesmen or architects attacked somebody's embassy.

Scooter peace out.