TGIF peeps.
Okay, yesterday I had an intervention for Pepe. From watching the "Intervention" TV show I knew I had to get his close family members to tearfully plead with him to get help with his problem (gayness), and threaten him with abandonment if he didn't (tough love). Waiting for Pepe to arrive at my house last night was his mother, Consuelo, and his elderly Grandma Inez.
I'd lured Pepe over by asking him to help me redecorate my living room. Imagine his surprise when I opened the door and there in front of him were his closest loved ones! I grabbed his arm before he could run, pulled him inside, and seated him on the couch by himself. He obviously knew something was up, and squirmed like an eel on a waffle iron as his mother and grandmother stared at him with tears in their eyes.
I spoke up and said, "Pepe, you know that we all love you and care about you. We just can't idly sit by as you ruin your life. Your loved ones here have something they want to say to you." At that, I motioned for his mother to join him on the couch so she could read her statement. Consuelo sat down next to her son, tearfully looked into his watering eyes and said softly, "Pepe, I jus wan to say..." then suddenly she violently slapped the snot out of him and screamed, "FILTY HOMO FILTY HOMO FILTY FILTY!!.." This kind of thing never happens on the TV show! I pulled Momma off Pepe just as she tried to gouge out his right eyeball with his own tiara. I ejected Consuelo from the proceedings, and calmed the sobbing Pepe and Grandma.
After restoring order, I asked Pepe's grandmother to please sit next to her grandson and read her statement of love and concern. The next thing I know, this frail little old lady comes sailing across the room like a flying squirrel on crack! Grandma's hurling tiny outstretched feet caught Pepe square in the nuts, sending him and the couch reeling backwards to the floor! HOLY POPE ON A ROPE! By the time I got over there, she was viciously lunging at Pepe with a butcher knife! YIKES! I tackled her into the stereo cabinet, then locked her outside before she could regain consciousness. Well, this worked out just great.
Needless to say, Pepe was very badly shaken, as was I. After he re-applied his makeup, we went to Olive Garden for unlimited salad and bread sticks, where I quietly contemplated my next move to save my friend.
Scooter peace out.
"Help me."