Scooter's Report

Bad News From Iraq

U.S. Toll in Iraq At 8-Month Low

BAGHDAD - According to military sources the American death toll in Iraq is at its lowest point in over 8 months. The outcry from Democrats was immediate and strong: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said, "This decline of casualties shouldn't give anyone the idea we're not losing, and bad." Harry Reid (D-Nev) said, "Who cares how many soldiers live or die, the war's lost, it doesn't make any difference." How right you are, Senator.

Positive Report On Iraq War Could Split Dems

WASHINGTON DC - House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said Monday that a strongly positive report on progress on Iraq by Army Gen. David Petraeus likely would split Democrats in the House and impede his party's efforts to press for a timetable to end the war. "We're nude, screwed, and tattooed if that report doesn't say we're losing," said a frustrated Clyburn.

Democrats are already reeling from news that U.S. causalities are at an eight-month low, and the possibility that the Petraeus report may indicate progress in the war is apparently causing many lead Democrats to despair. When asked what she would do if the report reflects good news, Hillary Clinton (D-NY) said, "There are plenty of other problems with this country we can revel in. Meanwhile, we'll hope things in Iraq turn around." Joe Biden (D-Del) added, "We will not be deterred by this unexpected setback, and continue to have complete faith in our military's ability to lose this war."

I guess when it rains it pours!

Scooter peace out.

Iraq Captain Not Going Home

Iraq Captain Not Going Home

After winning the Asia Cup, Younis Mahmoud, captain of Iraq's victorious football team, said he would not return to his home country because he fears being killed: "Those crazy carpet-kissers would gut me like a fish," he said. When asked where he would go and what he would do, he replied, "The usual - move to Detroit and drive a cab."

Commenting on the situation in Iraq, he said, "I want America to go out. I wish the American people didn't invade Iraq and hopefully it will be over soon." When reminded of the fact that Uday Hussein used to be in charge of the team and regularly used to torture players and rape their wives and girlfriends, Mahmoud said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. USA number one."

That's more like it, you sissy ball-kicker.

Scooter peace out.

Pelosi, Astronauts, Lohan

Pelosi Named 4th Most Beautiful On Capitol Hill

Washington DC - "The Hill" has named 67-year-old Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi the fourth most beautiful person on Capitol Hill.

The article states: "It is puzzling just how the first female Speaker of the House stays so fit. She is always working and traveling to enemy countries, rarely exercises and reportedly noshes on Ghirardelli mint chocolates and large amounts of defeatism."

Robin Givhan, the Washington Post fashion critic, earlier this year wrote, “She looks polished and tasteful, with just a hint of 'My skin's been pulled so tight my eyebrows are almost in my hair'.”

Astronauts Have Flown Drunk

Florida - A panel has found that on at least two occasions astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so intoxicated that they posed a flight-safety risk. The panel also reported "heavy use of alcohol" by astronauts before launch. More on this as it develops.

Lindsay Lohan To Become Astronaut

Sources close to Lindsay Lohan have told Scooter's Report that the troubled actress has decided to join NASA, filling the position vacated by Lisa Nowak. When asked about her thoughts concerning the dangers of high speed space travel, Lohan replied, "It's what I love." You go girl!

Scooter peace out.

Dow Crashes!

Dow Crashes!

NEW YORK - Wall Street suffered one of its worst losses of 2007 today. After skidding more than 450 points, the Dow Jones industrials closed down more than 310 on fears Lindsay Lohan might have to pull out of her upcoming film due to recent legal problems.

Personally, I've been too distraught to even report the news. I pretty much spent all day drinking in front of the TV watching my financial future spiral to Hell in a plume of acrid smoke and despair. At 400 points down I was THIS CLOSE to drowning myself in the sink, before realizing I don't own any stock. Thank you God!

I'm all better now.

Scooter peace out.

Churchill Fired, Goes On Warpath

Ward Churchhill Fired From University

Boulder - The University of Colorado Board of Regents voted to fire Ward Churchill on Tuesday evening, prompting the promise of a lawsuit from the embattled professor. The move came after committees found in 2006 that Churchill was guilty of academic misconduct, fabricating and falsifying research, plagiarizing the work of others, and pretending to be an Indian, when in fact he's just a goofy-looking white guy with high cheek bones and greasy hair.

After the meeting, Churchill and his supporters participated in a Native American ceremony outside the building, setting up card tables and hawking gaudy silver and turquoise jewelry to members of the press.

Me not going nowhere," Churchill told reporters. "White men oppress red brave. Brave not afraid, will financially scalp white men with Jewish attorneys." Churchill then tore off his shirt, jumped on his moped, and proceeded to wildly tear around campus while whooping threateningly at passers-by, finally ending up at a neighborhood bar where he drank himself into unconsciousness.

Scooter peace out.

Lohan Arrested, World to End

Lindsay Lohan Arrested!!

• Charged with yet another DUI!
• Cocaine in pocket!
• Driving on suspended license!
• Recently released from rehab!
• Jail probable!
• World stunned!

Today the the entire world is reeling from the news that actress Lindsay Lohan was charged with DUI and cocaine possession after being arrested early this morning. The troubled star completed her second rehab stint just two weeks ago, and will likely face jail time if convicted of this latest crime. After being released from custody, Lohan posted this message to her fans on her MySpace page:

"Thnks to all my deer frends. As you know I had a little problm last night becasue of medications I accidenty took to much of and accidntly drove without my knowlege. I will be proven NOT GIULTY of these charges and promise to continue entertiang you my wondefulfans in the way you luv and desrerve. LL"

Now THERE'S a trooper! We at Scooter's Report join the rest of the world in wishing her well. We love you Lindsay!

World On Brink Of Total Destruction

Scientists of all major world powers today announced that rapidly-escalating global wars and devastating climate changes are threatening our entire planet with imminent total destruction! Current reports estimate every living thing on earth may perish within the next 24 - 48 hours. More on this as it develops.

Scooter peace out.

Romney Lashes Out At Dems

Romney Lashes Out At Dems

NASHUA, N.H. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took aim at Democratic rivals on Sunday, calling them all unprepared to lead the country and comparing Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's economic plan to that of Socialist Karl Marx. He said, "Outside of Obama selling drugs or Clinton prostituting herself at the docks,  not one of the three Democratic front-runners has ever run a business. How do these slackers propose to run a country?"

Taking aim at Clinton, Romney told reporters, "She said we have been an on-your-own society. She said it's time to get rid of that and replace that with shared responsibility and we're-in-it-together society." Raising his voice, he said, "She's nothing more than Karl Marx with huge calves. Heck, if Hillary grew her beard out, she'd even look like him."  When Clinton was told of his remarks, she shot back, "Oh, screw him. I'd rather be a commie than a cultist any day."

Romney's remarks toward Edwards where just as pointed: "As far as John Edwards is concerned, America is not ready for a transsexual in the White House." He continued, "I'm not saying John doesn't have balls, he does. Unfortunately they're connected to his wife." This morning Edward's wife replied, "Calling my husband names simply because he's extremely effeminate is disgusting, even for a deluded polygamist like Romney."

This election promises to be exciting.

Scooter peace out.

Hillary/Pentagon Rumble

Hillary/Pentagon Rumble

WASHINGTON - Yesterday Defense Undersecretary Eric Edelman blasted Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) for her demands that the Pentagon prepare plans for withdrawal from Iraq. In his July 16 letter he wrote, "Any person smarter than a piece of cheese would realize premature and public discussion of the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq reinforces enemy propaganda." He went on, "Instead of pretending we're all on the same team, maybe it's time for Senator Clinton to grab her Quron, grow out her beard, and strap on that bomb vest. She could hook up with Reid and Pelosi - they'd be like a little sleeper cell. Then we'd kill them."

In response to Edelman's comments, Clinton issued this statement: "To suggest that drafting a plan of withdrawal gives hope to the enemy is ridiculous. I support our troops, and only want to bring them safely home before they are completely defeated by a brave group of freedom fighters backed by God." Her statement concluded: "Your remark comparing my fellow Democrats and me to terrorists is unconscionable. Given the chance, we would gladly saw your head off."

That's today's top story. Enjoy your weekend!

Scooter peace out.

Bill Clinton Rebukes Edwards

Bill Clinton Rebukes Elizabeth Edwards

This morning on ABC's 'Good Morning America', Bill Clinton responded to Elizabeth Edwards' comments that Hillary Clinton feels she has to "behave as a man." He said, "I don't think she's trying to be a man. I don't think it's inconsistent with being a woman that you can also be knowledgeable on military and security affairs, and be strong when the occasion demands it." He added, "Also, lots of women have penises."

Later in the interview, when asked what he thought Edwards' motivation was in painting Hillary as "manly," Bill said, "It's probably not her fault - compared to her husband, just about anybody looks manly." The former President went on, "All I can say is: DNC cocktail party, 1999, cloak room. I think Elizabeth knows what a real man is." At this point Hillary abruptly left the set, and the segment ended.

This Edwards/Clinton slap-down is getting good.

Scooter peace out.

Senate Slumber Party, Free Abortions

Senate Slumber Party!

In a dramatic all-night session, the Democrat-led Senate debated the upcoming Iraq war troop withdrawal vote, did each other's hair, made brownies, and played "Truth or Dare."  "We have to get us out of this war" Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) said while waxing Harry Reid's (D-Calif) bikini. At one point during the night, order had to be called when Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) couldn't stop giggling after drinking too many root beers. Republicans called the session a "pathetic juvenile stunt" but seemed to enjoy themselves, especially when John Kerry (D-Mass) took a knee to the nuts during a spirited game of "Twister" with John McCain (R-Az).

Obama, Edwards Promise Universal Coverage For Abortions

WASHINGTON -- Elizabeth Edwards said Tuesday that her husband's health-care plan would provide insurance coverage for abortion. "It's every woman's right to have her unborn child ripped apart and sucked into a bucket, and it's the privilege of all Americans to pay for it" said the candidate's wife, a proud mother of three. Edwards joins Barack Obama (D-Ill) in advocating universal health care coverage for abortions. Obama recently said, "The only way to improve the health of Americans, especially the poor, is to actively promote the killing of their unborn children." Thank God we've got a political party watching out for our disadvantaged.

Scooter peace out.

Whale Rescue, Cat Fight

12 Hours To Rescue 500 Pound Man

Grantsburg, Wis. Crews rescued a vacationing 500+ pound Massachusetts man after the tube he was riding on the St. Croix River deflated. A boat used to retrieve the man bottomed out, as did a hovercraft. Twelve hours later, crews were able to maneuver yet another boat to deeper water, and the man was finally taken to a hospital where he was reported to be suffering from exposure, intoxication, and a serious case of delusion.

Elizabeth Edwards Slams Hillary

The wife of Presidential candidate John Edwards blasts his rival, Hillary Clinton, in a new interview. Elizabeth Edwards said, "I'm not convinced she'd be as good an advocate for women. I think you actually need to be a woman to be a women's advocate." When told of Edward's remarks, Clinton replied, "She should talk, her husband's twice the woman she is." Good point.

Scooter peace out.

Quake Hits Jap Nuke Plant

Quake Rocks Japanese Nuke Plant

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake struck Kashiwazaki, Japan today, causing a fire and radioactive water leak at one of the world's most powerful nuclear plants. Engineers report the amount of water released was fairly small. "It ress than harf garron," said Katsuya Uchino, a Tokyo Electric official. Fortunately, besides a squirrel's nest, nobody came into contact with the highly radioactive water, which was quickly cleaned up by hazardous waste technicians.

EXTRA!!!!!!!!

Huge Mutant Squirrel Terrorizes Japanese City!

Reports coming out of Kashiwazaki, Japan indicate hysterical crowds are fleeing ahead of a giant fire-breathing squirrel. When contacted by phone, a local reporter said, "AAHHH, HORY CLAP!!! SQUILLER! SQUILLER! EEEEEEKKKKKK!" Attempts to reach officials have so far been unsuccessful. More on this story as it develops.....

Scooter peace out.

Running Mates?

Running Mates?

Top Dems Conspire

Clinton, Edwards Overheard Conspiring Against Rivals

Unaware they were being recorded, Senators Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and John Edwards (D-NC) were overheard talking before a recent debate about ways to limit their opponent's exposure.

Scooter's Report has obtained a transcript of their conversation:

Clinton: Hello John, fabulous haircut!

Edwards: Oh thanks, Hillary. Say, are you going to be channeling an old black woman tonight, or are you speaking in your own voice? Hehehehe.

Clinton: Ha Ha. Listen, seriously, we need to do something about these debates. I gotta tell you, I don't even know who some of these candidates are.

Edwards: I'm with you, Hil. It's like elite trial lawyers debating retarded janitors or something.

Clinton: Kucinich WISHES he were a retarded janitor!

Edwards: Hahahaheheheee. Is it just me, or does he look like a troll doll with a cheap haircut?

Clinton: Hey what about this - we raise the podiums to like five-foot tall, that would get rid of Kucinich.

Edwards: Not bad, not bad. What about we do the debates on poorly-lit stages with brown backdrops? Every time Obama talks, all you'd see was some eyes and teeth!

Clinton: I like the way you think, Pretty Boy.

Edwards: Running mate?

Clinton: We'll see.

Reportedly, Kucinich was incensed when told of his rival's comments, "Just because I spend under $400 for my haircuts, and am not an evil, shrill, old hose-bag riding the coattails of my rapist/sexual predator husband, is no reason to exclude me." Oh snap!

This election is heating up.

Scooter peace out.

Dems Got Religion

Time Magazine: Democrats Have Got Religion

The magazine outlines how front-running Democrat candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards are publicly embracing their faith in an effort to reach conservative voters.

Senator Clinton has hired Burns Strider, a congressional staffer and evangelical Baptist, who is assembling a faith steering group from major denominations and sends out a weekly wrap-up, Faith, Family and Values. "Burns is a religious guy who knows how to talk to other religious people like Republicans," said Clinton. When asked about her own faith, she replied, "I've always been very religious. In fact, in my office I have a little statue of Moses on the cross that I pray to every Sunday."

John Edwards is embarking on his 12 - city "Poverty Tour" that will take his campaign to mostly black inner city churches. Edwards said, "Just like Jesus, my message to the downtrodden is one of hope, the hope that they'll somehow get injured and be able to successfully sue someone or some company for millions of dollars like many of my past clients."

Barack Obama's campaign has run faith forums in New Hampshire, where local clergy and laypeople discuss religious engagement in politics. "It's important that 'everyday people' know how much Jesus wants them to vote Democrat," said the candidate while being fitted for a shimmering turquoise suit and platinum cross. "Abortion is a gift from God that Republicans and the Devil want to destroy, we ain't going to let it happen." Obama then fell onto the floor and started speaking in tongues, demonstrating his connection with powerful spiritual forces.

At this point, the Democrats have it all.

Scooter peace out.

Dems Woo LGBT Voters

Democrat Presidential Candidates To Hold Gay Debate

In a historical first, presidential candidates will participate in a debate centered entirely on LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Butch, Transformer) issues. So far, Democrats Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, and Chris Dodd have committed to the debate. While it's obvious Edwards is deeply involved in the gay arena, and Hillary Clinton has long been rumored to be responsive to lesbian needs, Obama's participation is being applauded as courageous in LGBT circles. My sources are still trying to figure out who Chris Dodd is, but assume he's also a Democrat candidate for President, and probably gay or transformer.

The LGBT represents a large and rapidly growing bloc of voters who traditionally vote exclusively Democrat. "Unlike Republicans, Dems are totally in-step with our values," said LGBT International spokesperson Bobbee Starr, "And this debate will really help us determine which Democrat candidate deserves our votes, by showcasing their individual fashion sensibilities."

Latest LGBT surveys show Obama to be the overall front-runner, widely regarded as having the "most delicious ass," Edwards second on the strength of his "dreamy hair" and "luscious, pouty lips," and Clinton third, thanks to her "strong cankles (calves/ankles combo)," always popular with butch and transformer voters.

Scooter peace out.

Me interviewing Edwards earlier this year

Sheehan / Pelosi Throwdown

Cindy Sheehan Launches Campaign

Antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan announced today she is running for Nancy Pelosi's (D-Calif) congressional seat. She said, "I gave Pelosi a day to impeach Bush and she didn't. I'm not waiting forever." Running as an Independent, her campaign theme will be "Defeat Before Death." My sources tell me Peace Moonbeam, political activist and close friend of Sheehan (and me) will reportedly be her campaign manager/assistant.

When asked about her agenda should she be elected, Sheehan said, "It's simple - I'll stop the war, dissolve the military, impeach then possibly torture Bush, and hopefully hook up with that hot Obama guy."

This is going to be good.

Scooter peace out.

       Sheehan                   Moonbeam

Earth Saved, Pelosi Threatened

Live Earth a Resounding Success!

Although few people actually watched the series of concerts staged on seven continents, temperatures dramatically dropped across the globe during the all-day events. Al Gore, renowned climatologist, reported, "Madonna's set had the largest effect on the climate, as released skank particulates tend to shield some of the sun's harmful rays. During her last song it snowed." The father of hybrid car racer Al Gore III went on to say, "With a thousand Madonnas we could save the planet." We can only dream....

Cindy Sheehan Threatens to Challenge Pelosi

Antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan has given Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) two weeks to enact legislation calling for President Bush's impeachment, or face her in the 2008 elections. Pelosi fired back, "While I admire Cindy's hatred of this country and it's military, and her shameless self-promotion built upon the bones of her dead son, I doubt voters are ready for a retarded horse-faced mutant in Congress." A chief Democrat political strategist downplayed Sheehan's threat by saying, "It wouldn't matter, most voters think Sheehan and Pelosi are the same person anyway." Alright, cat fight!!

Scooter peace out.

• Unknown Creature Caught Off Hawaii

Biologists are studying what appears to be a never-before-seen life form described as a cross between a squid and an octopus, recently collected from a depth of over 3000 feet. "It's red, slimy, has probing tentacles, and hates the United States, we think it's possibly related to Nancy Pelosi," said researcher Frank Hauni.

While it is a well-known fact Speaker of the House Pelosi (D-Calif) has vacationed in Hawaii many times, she has vigorously denied ever having a relationship with an invertebrate species. "I had an acquaintance who happened to be a squid in that area years ago, but we were just friends," said Pelosi. Efforts to reach this squid have so far been unsuccessful, giving credence to reports he was harvested by a commercial Japanese fishing vessel several months ago. More on this as it develops.

Scooter peace out.

Gore III Caught Flying

• Al Gore III Arrested

The son of renowned climatologist Al Gore, Al Gore III (Who knew there were 109 Al Gores before these two?), was arrested Wednesday for speeding and drug possession. Police reportedly clocked the younger Gore's Toyota Prius at over 100 MPH (!), incredible but for the fact Gore had replaced the hybrid power plant with a Chrysler Hemi as an act of rebellion against his father. "He can force me to drive this little crap-box, but didn't say I couldn't personalize it," said Gore III. "It's got 420 horse power and gets about 10 miles to a gallon now, I hope Dad's buying a butt-load of carbon credits from somebody."

The elder Gore was noticeably shaken when told of his son's arrest, saying to reporters, "I can't believe he was going that fast. Somewhere in Antarctica he murdered a penguin, the little bastard."  When asked about the younger Gore's drug problems, his father said, "They don't harm the environment half as much as that speeding car." And of course, he's right.

Scooter peace out.

PS: I'm sorry, I just realized that was 3 capital "i"s behind Gore's name, not 3 ones - my bad.

Happy Independence Day!

Scooter Skates, Doctors of Death

• Bush Grants Libby Clemency

President Bush wiped away former White House aide Scooter Libby's jail sentence in the CIA leak case, saying the sentence was excessive. Key Democrats were furious at the decision, with Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) saying, "I can't believe Libby isn't getting the chair, let alone hard time - he told a lie for God's sake." Harry Reid (D-Nev) said, "Bush is setting a dangerous precedent for springing dangerous criminals." When reminded that Bill Clinton pardoned 140 individuals including some charged with terrorism, sex crimes, money laundering, embezzlement, and theft, plus commuted 36 jail sentences, Reid replied, "That's different, those people didn't lie."  Touche, Senator.

As you obviously know by his name, Scooter Libby is a relative of mine. While I love him personally, professionally I believe he should have received at least a couple of semi-lethal injections, and maybe a little torture with a power drill. I know one thing, if he lived in my neighborhood, I'd put security doors and window bars on my house, because it's probably just a matter of time before he lies again.

• UK Terror Plot Hatched in Hospitals

Five of the eight people under arrest for the terror attacks in London are said to be doctors. This doesn't surprise me at all, as I'm almost positive my own doctor is a terrorist. Here's why:

• He's from India or Pakistan or someplace like that where I believe 97% of the general population are terrorists.
• Drives a Mercedes almost exactly like the one involved in the Piccadilly Circus bombing attempt.
• Looks at me like he wants to cut my head off, especially when he catches me stealing cotton balls and other stuff from the examination room.
• Because I'm an American, he delights in torturing me during certain examinations, especially prostate. He's also tried to choke me to death with a little stick more than once.

Anyway, I'm not taking any chances with this guy, and have already turned him in to the FBI.

BTW, I was just kidding around yesterday with all that "Allah" (peas be up on him) stuff. 

Scooter peace out.

Newsman Tortured by FBI?

Scooter's Report has gained an exclusive interview with myself, Scooter Van Neuter, owner/correspondent of the popular news blog "Scooter's Report":

SR: Now that you have come out of seclusion, please tell our readers what you've recently been subjected to.

Van Neuter: I would like to read my statement.

SR: Very well.

Van Neuter: "The reign of terror perpetuated by the Bush administration has reached epic proportions with the arrest, questioning, and psychological torture of yours truly yesterday. With the help of Allah (peas be up on him) these acts will be punished."

SR: How were you tortured, and are you, in fact, a Muslim?

Van Neuter: I've read my statement, that is all.

SR: You're not answering my questions, how di

Van Neuter: I have said all I'm going to say.

SR: But you agreed to

Van Neuter: Enough! I'm not going to argue with you. I'm leaving.

SR: But I'm you.

Van Neuter: That's your problem, infidel. (Leaves)

It's interesting to note that during the short interview with Van Neuter (me), he (I) was wearing a large fake beard and Middle Eastern-style cap and robe, leading to the possible conclusion that he (I) has, indeed, again embraced his (my) former religion of Islam. Maybe the FBI knows something we don't.

More on this exclusive story as it develops.

Scooter peace out.

Allah (peas be up on him) be praised.

Scooter Van Neuter

Yours Truly Possibly Linked to UK Terror!

EXTRA WEEKEND EDITION!

Scooter Van Neuter Questioned about Terror Attack

This morning FBI agents arrested Scooter Van Neuter, owner/correspondent of the popular internet news site, Scooter's Report (TM), for questioning in connection with a foreign car bombing. Authorities said Saturday's incident at London's Heathrow Airport was almost identical to Van Neuter's U.S. Islamic terror attack last year (Peace Moonbeam's story here). When I asked myself about this, I angrily replied, "No comment! Get that #*$!*% tape recorder out of my face." Apparently now in hiding, I am unavailable to myself and other reporters.

"The similarities are too obvious to overlook," said an FBI spokesman when asked about Van Neuter's connection to the London bombing. "At the best, foreign jihadists copied Mr.Van Neuter's plan. At the worst, we've got good reason to believe Van Neuter may have personally played a part in this attack." FBI records show that I became a devout Muslim (here) and participated in terrorist acts (here and here), before being arrested and sent to Guantanamo.

In an exclusive letter given to Scooter's Report, I wrote, "I am totally innocent of these charges, the FBI can bite me." Unfortunately, looking at the above background, I'm not totally convinced. I'll keep an eye on myself and report any new developments.

Scooter peace out.

Van Neuter's 2006 Terrorist Attack