Dow Crashes!
NEW YORK - Wall Street suffered one of its worst losses of 2007 today. After skidding more than 450 points, the Dow Jones industrials closed down more than 310 on fears Lindsay Lohan might have to pull out of her upcoming film due to recent legal problems.
Personally, I've been too distraught to even report the news. I pretty much spent all day drinking in front of the TV watching my financial future spiral to Hell in a plume of acrid smoke and despair. At 400 points down I was THIS CLOSE to drowning myself in the sink, before realizing I don't own any stock. Thank you God!
I'm all better now.
Scooter peace out.
