• Unknown Creature Caught Off Hawaii

Biologists are studying what appears to be a never-before-seen life form described as a cross between a squid and an octopus, recently collected from a depth of over 3000 feet. "It's red, slimy, has probing tentacles, and hates the United States, we think it's possibly related to Nancy Pelosi," said researcher Frank Hauni.

While it is a well-known fact Speaker of the House Pelosi (D-Calif) has vacationed in Hawaii many times, she has vigorously denied ever having a relationship with an invertebrate species. "I had an acquaintance who happened to be a squid in that area years ago, but we were just friends," said Pelosi. Efforts to reach this squid have so far been unsuccessful, giving credence to reports he was harvested by a commercial Japanese fishing vessel several months ago. More on this as it develops.

Scooter peace out.