Scooter's Report

Harry Reid: "I'll Compromise"

Harry Reid All About Compromise

LAS VEGAS - Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) said he is now willing to compromise on his demand U.S. military forces withdraw from Iraq this spring.

Reid acknowledged that his previous firm demand for a spring withdrawal deadline had become an obstacle for the few Republicans who had also embraced defeat. "I don't think we have to think that our way is the only way," Reid said of specific dates during an interview in his office here. "I'm now proposing we surrender but leave the troops over there for awhile. It's a win-win for both political camps."

Sen. Dick Lugar, one of the Republicans calling for retreat, voiced cautious support for Reid's proposal: "I love the idea of surrender, but would want assurances our troops would not be required to leave on any particular date."

Commentary: There is clearly a new spirit of non-partisan cooperation in our government, and it's a beautiful thing.

Senator Craig Talks! - Scooter's Report Exclusive

My Exclusive Interview With Senator Craig

Boise, Idaho - Since reports of Sen. Larry Craig's (R-ID) arrest and guilty plea in connection with a gay sex sting, he has been in seclusion. Now Sen. Craig has agreed to discuss the incident exclusively with Scooter's Report:

SR: Thank you for taking time out of your formally busy schedule to talk with us, Senator.

Craig: You're welcome Scooter, it's my pleasure to set this story straight with the American public.

SR: Okay, let's discuss what happened at the Minneapolis airport last June 11.

Craig: Well, I was traveling and had the sudden urge to "drop the kids off at the pool."

SR: So you needed to number two?

Craig: Yes. So I went into the men's restroom and entered a stall.

SR: Senator, what about the reports you peered into the stall where the officer was?

Craig: I did briefly check the adjoining stall for terrorists, as I think anybody would. The Homeland Security Advisory System Threat Level was "Yellow: significant threat of terrorist attack."

SR: Understood. So you sat down on the toilet in your stall, then what happened?

Craig: I did my business.

SR: The arresting officer said you tapped your foot, then slid it under the partition, touching his foot.

Craig: Look, I've got a medical condition that I've been trying to keep private. I have "Jimmy legs."

SR: Spastic jumpy legs you can't control?

Craig: Yes. I've got an especially bad case of Jimmy legs, and sometimes they go all over the place and I can't do anything about it.

SR: And did you wave your hand under the stall partition?

Craig: It was more like attempting to fan fresh air into my stall, I was dying in there. I knew I shouldn't have had all those oyster/bean burritos and beers the night before.

SR: So you were fanning, not groping?

Craig: Yes, fart fanning.

SR: Senator, please move your foot.

Craig: Damn these Jimmy legs!

SR: Senator, please stop.

Craig: Oh no, now I've got Jimmy hands!

SR: This interview is over.

Couric To Report From Iraq

Katie Couric To Report From Iraq

NEW YORK (AP) - Katie Couric plans to leave Wednesday for an ambitious reporting trip to Iraq —the CBS anchor's first time in the war zone—in anticipation of a crucial military report on progress of the American effort.

Since Couric took over the anchor position at CBS Evening News, ratings have plummeted, leading to speculation she would be fired but for her long-term contract. "I'm not going anywhere, I don't care what the ratings do," the spunky Couric remarked when recently questioned about the newscast's rocket-sled ride to ratings Hell.

Reportedly, CBS is sending Couric alone into Sadr City to seek out stories and hopefully interview fiery cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, leader of the Mehdi Army. For her protection she will be fitted with U.S. Marine combat fatigues, an M-16 assault rifle, and carry press credentials identifying her as a non-combatant.

Commentary: This should make for dramatic reporting and can't help but prop up the ratings. However, I can't help but question whether this thing was really that well thought out. We'll see.

Senator Pleads Guilty, Claims Innocence

Senator Pleads Guilty, Claims Innocence

U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in Minnesota this month after being arrested by a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

Craig denied the police account of what occurred and said he erred in pleading guilty. "At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions," he said in a statement Monday afternoon. "I admit I was greased-up, naked, and dangling my genitals beneath the stall partition, but who hasn't done that?"

Response to the story on Capitol Hill was cool, although Democrat Barney Frank warmly offered Craig encouragement as well as a personal invitation to join his party. Whether Frank was referring to 'party' in the political sense was unclear.

Gonzales Quits

Gonzales Quits

While I didn't have time to read this story on the Drudge Report, I am saddened that this popular character would be stepping down after all these years.

Long regarded as the "fastest mouse in Mexico," Speedy Gonzales has been tirelessly pursued for over 50 years by a cat named Sylvester, and this fact no doubt contributed to his decision to retire.

Commentary: I will personally miss Gonzales, especially when he's running really fast and yelling "ARRIBA ARRIBA ANDELE ANDELE!!" That was cool.

Law Crushes Celebrities

Lohan To Do Hard Time

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif - Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.

Upon hearing her sentence the troubled star fell to her knees, screaming hysterically "OH MY GOD NO NO NO NOOOOOOO! Onlookers say guards then dragged Lohan from the courtroom as she screamed for her mother.

Michael Vick To Plead Guilty

RICHMOND, Va - Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will not admit to killing dogs or gambling on dog fights, as detailed in his indictment, when he enters a guilty plea in a Richmond, Va., federal court Monday. Instead, Vick will plead guilty to one count of "conspiracy to commit rough petting," which carries a potential sentence of up to 2 hours in jail and 4 hours of community service.

Nicole Richie Completes Sentence

LOS ANGELES - Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday after serving 82 minutes of a four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

The reality show star emerged from jail sporting several crude tattoos, and noticeably stronger due to her lifting weights in confinement. While reports Richie dated a fellow inmate where not confirmed, sources in the Sheriff's Office claim the celebrity did get engaged while in jail.

Upon being released, Richie said, "It's so great to breathe fresh air and experience freedom. Now I have to readjust to life on the outside - it'll be hard."

Iran Develops Smart Bomb

Iran Develops Smart Bomb

TEHRAN - Iran has developed a 2,000-pound (900 kg) “smart bomb”, official media quoted a Defense Ministry statement as saying on Wednesday, in the latest announcement from Tehran about progress regarding military hardware.

The guided bomb, named Qased (Messenger), was developed by specialists within the ministry and is now operational, IRNA news agency said, adding it could be dropped from F-4 and F-5 jets, if they can get any of them operational.

An unidentified source within Jane's Defense Weekly says the new weapon is actually a standard 900 kg bomb fitted with a little seat and joystick: "It's like a semi-controllable suicide bomb. The first models didn't have a seat belt, and the "smart" just fell off. Now with a seat belt the bomb stays smart all the way down, although still not very accurate."

Bin Laden Still Alive, Has "Close Friend"

Bin Laden Still Alive

PAKISTAN - A top Taliban commander said Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden is alive and well. "All praise be to Allah, he is healthy and living with his close friend in the mountains," the commander Mansour Dadullah said in a video interview, according to a transcript of the video's English subtitled translation, released Tuesday by the analyst IntelCenter.

Supporting this report is an Al Jazeera video dated June 15, 2007, showing Bin Laden and an unidentified man analysts claim may be his "partner." The video shows Bin Laden and the man speaking in a cave, as well as walking hand in hand through a field of flowers, laughing and occasionally embracing.

Commentary: If the Democrats were running this country, this guy would be already dead. Bush sucks.

Hillary: Surge Working, Time To Leave

Hillary Claims Surge Working, Calls For Retreat

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - New military tactics in Iraq are working but the best way to honor U.S. soldiers is "by bringing them home," Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton told war veterans Monday.

Clinton, seeking the Democratic nomination for president, praised the work that soldiers have done in Iraq but said, "We are in danger of making real progress, and need to get out of there." While several veterans offered polite applause, most got up and left.

Later the Veterans of Foreign Wars were told by Sen. John McCain, who is seeking the GOP nomination, that withdrawing from Iraq would be a historic mistake — far worse than previous U.S. missteps in the country. "I don't know what Hillary is thinking, but only a retarded crack addict would call for our troops to retreat when they're winning," the Senator said to enthusiastic applause.

Commentary: What is with these Republicans always thinking we have to win everything? Hillary is correct in calling for our retreat before we come off as overbearing to the rest of the world.

Illegal Activist Deported

Illegal Activist Deported LOS ANGELES - Illegal immigrant Elvira Arellano has been deported to Mexico after taking refuge in a Chicago church for a year, the church's pastor said.  Rev. Walter Coleman, pastor of Adalberto United Methodist Church, said, "Thank God she's left. It's pretty hard to hold worship services with some chick laying around half naked, talking on a cell phone and watching Jerry Springer." Arellano became an activist and a national symbol for illegal immigrants as she defied her deportation order and spoke out from her religious sanctuary. She held a news conference last week to announce that she would finally leave the church to try to lobby U.S. lawmakers for change, and "to get the hell away from these boring gringo Bible-thumpers." "She has been deported. As of this morning she was in Tijuana," said Coleman, who said he spoke to her on the phone. "She was in good spirits and looking forward to our dinner meeting tonight in San Diego." When asked if Arellano would be taking refuge in Coleman's church again, the Reverend said she could "if she coughs up some rent."

Dean Trashes Tourist Traps

Hurricane Dean Running Amok in Caribbean

After tearing through the eastern Caribbean islands of St. Lucia and Martinique, hurricane Dean is on a path to strike Jamaica.

The first hurricane of the season inflicted heavy damage on the eastern islands, knocking out power and blowing apart buildings, which, like all structures in the Caribbean, are made of corrugated metal. In the aftermath of the storm, sources on the islands report a landscape littered with tons of crappy tee shirts, cheap carved wooden figurines, and bongo drums.

Preparations are underway on the island of Jamaica, as residents hurry to reinforce corrugated metal structures, move stocks of crappy tee-shirts and carved figurines to higher ground, and steal tourist's belongings from their hotel rooms before the storm hits. Reports of thousands of middle-class Americans desperately trying to flee the island are unconfirmed, and are most likely not related to the storm.

Global Warming Destroying World!

Japan Swelters in Record Heat Wave

TOKYO - Japan sizzled through its hottest day on record Thursday. In the Hachioji region of Tokyo, temperatures reached 101.7 degrees, breaking the previous record of 101.3 degrees for August. A Tokyo Electrical Power Co. spokesman warned of a possible power shortage as people turned up air conditioners: "It's fleaking hot and erectricity gone."

Peru Suffers Earthquake

LIMA - Overheated soft earth got all wiggly yesterday, causing widespread damage throughout some of Peru's most populous areas. Reports are still coming in.

Hurricane Dean Strengthens

MIAMI - Dean became a 90 mph hurricane Thursday and is now forecast to mushroom into a Category 4 with 135 mph sustained winds. A hurricane warning was issued early Thursday for the islands of Dominica, St. Lucia, and several other crappy little tourist-traps cluttering the area. Authorities say a direct hit on these islands could destroy the local economies, severely damaging the hair-braiding and junky tee shirt industries.

Iranians Labeled, Toys Kill, Wal-Mart Slides

Iranian Unit to Be Labeled 'Terrorist'

Washington DC - The United States has decided to designate Iran's 125,000-strong elite military branch, the Revolutionary Guard Corps, as a "specially designated global terrorist," according to U.S. officials. In addition, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be officially designated as a "little beady-eyed jihadist dick-head," and Iranian civilians will be designated "cab drivers." Government officials said the new labels serve no purpose, but "really piss off the Iranians."

Items Made In China Recalled

Over a million toys sold by Mattel were recalled Tuesday, adding to the millions of other products manufactured in China that have recently been pulled from the U.S. market because of safety hazards. A Consumer Product Safety spokesman cautioned consumers purchasing "any type of cheap crap" to be on guard against potential dangers.

Wal-Mart Sales Slide

See above story.

"Jihadist dick-head"         More cheap crap from China

Iraqi Child Held, Dems Cry Foul

Iraqi Child Held, Dems Cry Foul

BAGHDAD - U.S. troops at the 28th Combat Support Hospital are caring for a nine-month-old Iraqi child found in a garbage can. Police found the child named Fatima, malnourished and suffering from dehydration in Iraq's scorching summer heat, hidden under rubbish in one of southern Baghdad's most violent districts.

Upon hearing reports that U.S. forces were holding the child, Democrats in this country angrily denounced the Bush administration, saying this situation "makes Abu Ghraib look like Sesame Street." In a hastily-called news conference, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) told reporters, "Our troops are now even imprisoning and torturing little children. Bush has gone too far." On Good Morning America, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) tearfully called for "all children to be protected, especially from U.S. armed forces."

Comment: The fact U.S. soldiers have obviously run out of Iraqi adults to brutalize and are now torturing small children is shocking and sad. I suggest we make little Fatima a symbol of U.S. aggression, and maybe put her picture on a stamp or something.

Scooter peace out.

Rove Out, Obama Blacker

Karl Rove Steps Aside

Washington DC - Karl Rove, President Bush's longtime political adviser, is resigning as White House deputy chief of staff effective Aug. 31, and returning to Texas.

The news has prompted jubilant celebrations in liberal circles where Rove has long been considered the evil architect of Bush's success. At the popular left wing blog 'Daily Kos', hundreds of college professors and gay designers are feverishly planning victory parties/smoke-ins/orgies to celebrate Rove's departure. Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) wrote "With Rove gone we're now closer to getting this country back to the Vietnam-era defeatism we yearn for. Let's get high!"

Obama's Wife Decries "Blackness" Question

Chicago - Michelle Obama, wife of Democrat presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama on Sunday admonished those who question her biracial husband's credentials as a black man, calling the issue "nonsense from a bunch of player-haten crackers."

Candidate Obama was reportedly observed later that evening selling crack and whores (hos) in the projects while dressed in a pimp suit, then doing an unsuccesful drive-by shooting at the Clinton campaign headquarters on his way home.

Commentary: I think he's trying too hard. If he wants to learn how to be black, he needs to watch Hillary speak at those churches.

Scooter peace out.

Monster Truck Crash, Obama Courts Gays

Monster Truck Runs Over People

DeKalb, Illinois - A promotion at a DeKalb auto parts store went horribly wrong when a monster truck crashed into a crowd, injuring nine people. The demonstration, part of a monster truck tour sponsored by NAPA Auto Parts, featured the truck driving over and crushing four cars. Shortly after the accident police arrested the driver, reportedly for DUI and possession of drugs. The driver's name has not been disclosed.

Obama Argues For Civil Unions For Gays

Los Angeles -  At a televised forum focusing on gay rights, Senator Barack Obama argued that civil unions for same-sex couples wouldn't be a "lesser thing" than marriage. When asked to explain how civil unions for same-sex couples could be the equivalent of marriage, he said, "As I've proposed it, it wouldn't be a lesser thing, from my perspective. I'd be just like normal marriage, except for the unnatural sex acts and constant decorating."

     Driver arrested for DUI, drugs.                                       Obama

    

Breast Implants = Death?

Breast Implants Linked To Suicide

WASHINGTON  - Women who get cosmetic breast implants are nearly three times as likely to commit suicide as other women, U.S. researchers reported on Wednesday. The study, published in the Annals of Plastic Surgery, reinforces several others that have shown women who have breast enlargements have higher suicide risks.

Tragedy At L.A. Mansion

Los Angeles - Police are investigating what appears to be a mass suicide at the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills. Investigator Steve Facoccia said, "It's a mess in there - at least 40 women dead, most by hanging." Police are questioning an elderly man who lives at the property, but at this time don't consider him a suspect. More on this as it develops.

Bonds, Bitch, Ho

Mutant Sets Home Run Record

San Francisco - Last night, chemically-altered mutant baseball player Barry Bonds hit home run number 756, breaking Hank Aaron's record. While Bonds insists he never knowingly took steroids, many point to the fact that 20 years ago he entered professional baseball as a 118-pound girl as proof to the contrary.

NYC To Ban Words "Bitch" and "Ho"

The New York City Council is considering a symbolic ban on the words "bitch" and "ho." "The term is hateful and deeply sexist," said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the words, saying they create “a paradigm of shame and indignity for all women, especially Hillary Clinton." Actively campaigning against the ban are local kennel clubs and the New York United Federation of Santa Clauses.

That's all the news that's fit to print today.

Scooter peace out.

    Barry Bonds in 1987                                    Bonds today

No Makeup, YouTube Edwards

Michelle Obama Eschews Makeup

In photographs, she appears rather ordinary. On the stump, she comes across as down-to-earth. But in person, the wife of U.S. Sen. Barack Obama is stunning - that is, when she's wearing plenty of makeup. Therein lies the problem - in an effort to relate to women who wear no makeup, Obama has done the same, prompting many insiders to question whether she has become visually impaired. "Up close she looks like an undead zombie with asphalt skin," remarked one reporter.

Commentary: I don't know what's up here, but it's not good.

Edwards Campaign Turns To Web

The Web can be liberating. "It's about bypassing the sieve of the mainstream media," says Elizabeth Edwards, wife and confidant of Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards. "In some ways, it's the way we have to go," Edwards says. "We can't make John black, we can't make him a woman in real life, but on the web we can make him all those things and more." To prove her point, Edwards played a new YouTube video of her husband appearing as a black woman, discussing social programs he would institute as President. Although the overall response to the video was positive, privately some reporters, especially those of color, questioned the honesty of the approach.

Commentary: Hey this is liberal politics. I say if some slick pretty-boy white attorney wants to pass himself off as a poor black women, more power to him. After all, Hillary is passing himself off as a woman....

Scooter peace out.

       Michelle Obama, no makeup                      John Edwards

World's Fattest Gay Cat

I don't have time to report the news till later, so meanwhile here's a photo I lifted from Drudge Report of the world's fattest gay cat. Enjoy!

Scooter peace out.

American Taliban Threatens U.S.

American Taliban Threatens U.S.

Al Qaeda leader Adam Gadahn, former pothead and surf-rat from Orange County, California, said in a tape released yesterday, "We holy jihadists, with the help of Ollie, will destroy you infidels wherever we find you. We will.....did I say Ollie? Oh crap, ALLAH. With the help of ALLAH."

The rambling one-hour tape threatens U.S. and ally interests around the world: "Those, uh, big buildings full of guys in suits, uh, we will blow them up completely. Embassies. We will blow up your embassies like crazy," said Gadahn, speaking through what appears to be a thatch of pubic hair.

Commentary: I don't know about you, but this dufus just doesn't scare me that much. I say bring back that old guy with glasses who looks like a transient, he's much scarier than this pudgy panty-waist.

Scooter peace out.

Male Bonding With Hugo Chavez & Sean Penn

Sean Penn Meets With Hugo Chavez

Caracas, Venezuela - Sean Penn met privately with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez Thursday.

Chavez applauded Penn's zealous hatred for the United States and George Bush. Penn responded by praising Chavez for his hatred of the United States and especially President Bush. After their meeting Penn said, "We have so much in common, and Huggy's everything I love in a leader - he's communist, has broad shoulders, and not way too smart. I like that."

Venezuelan officials report the leader and actor spent over two hours "discussing geo-political/economic strategic trends" at Chavez's country villa.

What a beautiful glimpse of what the world could be like.

Scooter peace out.

Drunks and Subs

Woman Wearing "I'm A Drunk" Tee-shirt Arrested For DUI

New York - A woman identified as 'Jane Smith' was arrested last night wearing a tee-shirt that said "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings." Police say they pulled over the woman's car after reports she was chasing another motorist at high speeds. Smith was release after posting $25,000 bail.

Mysterious Submersible Almost Rams Queen Mary

New York - NYPD Harbor Patrol officials arrested an individual piloting a small submersible that reportedly almost rammed the Queen Mary, docked at the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal. The unidentified woman was arrested and booked on DUI and drug charges, as well as multiple charges of reckless diving.

Bridge Disaster, Dems Promote Agenda

Bridge Collapses

Minnesota - A key bridge on I-35 in Minneapolis, Minnesota unexpectedly collapsed into the Mississippi River last night at rush hour. Authorities say at least 50 cars were on the structure when it went down. Four people are confirmed dead, and many more are injured and reported missing. At this time no reason is being given for the collapse, but investigators have ruled out an earthquake or terrorism as possible causes.

O'Donnell, Moore, Kennedy Join For Forum

Minneapolis - To raise awareness and support for universal health care, gay rights, and ending the Iraq war, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass), film maker Michael Moore, and former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell are holding an open forum tonight at the Minneapolis Convention Center. This is the first of several stops to promote key Democrat Party causes, leading up to the election.

On a side note, the bus the three were traveling in narrowly missed being involved in the horrific bridge collapse yesterday, having just gone over the bridge seconds before it gave way. An assistant to Sen. Kennedy called it a "miracle."

Obama Threatens Invasion!

Obama Threatens Invasion

Washington - One week after Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) described rival Senator Barack Obama's (D-Ill) foreign policy skills as naive, Obama said today he would send U.S. troops into Pakistan with "high-powered phasers and photon torpedoes" to kill terrorists suspected of hiding out in that country.

Speaking at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars, Obama said, "There are terrorists holed up in those mountains who murdered 3,000 Americans, and as President I would not hesitate to send our forces, including possibly even a Death Star, into that area to wipe them out." When asked about the potential problems of attacking an ally's country, Obama said, "I wouldn't attack the country, only the terrorists."

When asked to comment on her rival's statements, Clinton replied, "Everybody knows a Death Star would destroy that whole country. I stand by my earlier statements, the guy is an ignorant pinhead."

Commentary: Obama is talking tough and no doubt drawing those hawkish conservative liberal voters, if there were such a thing! May the Force be with him.

Scooter peace out.