My Exclusive Interview With Senator Craig
Boise, Idaho - Since reports of Sen. Larry Craig's (R-ID) arrest and guilty plea in connection with a gay sex sting, he has been in seclusion. Now Sen. Craig has agreed to discuss the incident exclusively with Scooter's Report:
SR: Thank you for taking time out of your formally busy schedule to talk with us, Senator.
Craig: You're welcome Scooter, it's my pleasure to set this story straight with the American public.
SR: Okay, let's discuss what happened at the Minneapolis airport last June 11.
Craig: Well, I was traveling and had the sudden urge to "drop the kids off at the pool."
SR: So you needed to number two?
Craig: Yes. So I went into the men's restroom and entered a stall.
SR: Senator, what about the reports you peered into the stall where the officer was?
Craig: I did briefly check the adjoining stall for terrorists, as I think anybody would. The Homeland Security Advisory System Threat Level was "Yellow: significant threat of terrorist attack."
SR: Understood. So you sat down on the toilet in your stall, then what happened?
Craig: I did my business.
SR: The arresting officer said you tapped your foot, then slid it under the partition, touching his foot.
Craig: Look, I've got a medical condition that I've been trying to keep private. I have "Jimmy legs."
SR: Spastic jumpy legs you can't control?
Craig: Yes. I've got an especially bad case of Jimmy legs, and sometimes they go all over the place and I can't do anything about it.
SR: And did you wave your hand under the stall partition?
Craig: It was more like attempting to fan fresh air into my stall, I was dying in there. I knew I shouldn't have had all those oyster/bean burritos and beers the night before.
SR: So you were fanning, not groping?
Craig: Yes, fart fanning.
SR: Senator, please move your foot.
Craig: Damn these Jimmy legs!
SR: Senator, please stop.
Craig: Oh no, now I've got Jimmy hands!
SR: This interview is over.