Scooter's Report

Pelosi Opens Pie-Hole, Queers Vote?

WASHINGTON DC (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blamed Republicans for yesterday's failed vote on a Wall Street rescue plan. When asked how she could hold Republicans responsible when 40% of the members of her own majority party voted against the bill, Speaker Pelosi replied, "Because I can."

House Republicans blamed Pelosi on the failure, saying her partisan diatribe against Republicans preceding the vote caused a number of members to abandon their support. Minority Leader John Boehner (R., Ohio) said, "Everything was 'go' until the Crypt Keeper opened her Botoxed pie-hole. She probably did us a favor though, the bill was a steaming pile of pony-loaf."

The House will meet again Thursday in an attempt to craft a bill acceptable to both parties.

 

                  Speaker of the House Pelosi

Barney Frank Rides Bill Hard

WASHINGTON (SR) - Today House members are debating legislation that would authorize the largest federal government bailout in history.

Earlier legislation was shot down by Republicans who were unhappy with Democratic provisions giving a large percentage of profits from the sale of distressed properties to ACORN, the left wing activist organization indicted for voter fraud. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi later said, "I don't know how that got in there, but I'm sorry it's gone."

Some members have professed unease with Democrat Rep. Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, being in charge of crafting the bill.

"Why should we worry, a 700 billion dollar federal bailout is being orchestrated by a fat, lisping, gay guy who ran a male prostitution ring out of his house, and whose committee was in charge of monitoring the financial markets to make sure an abortion like this never happened in the first place. What's to worry about?" remarked Republican Sen. Judd Gregg.

When told of his colleague's comment, Frank replied, "I don hab a lis."

A vote is scheduled today for 1:00 P.M. ET.

 

 Barney Frank and personal assistant Billi Fabulous

First Presidential Debate: McCain 'Schools' Obama

OXFORD, Miss. (SR) - In the most anticipated political debate in years, Barack Obama and John McCain squared off Friday night at the University of Mississippi.

John McCain hammered Obama for his lack of experience, and Obama repeatedly linked his opponent with the shortcomings of the Bush administration. Analysts agree that both candidates scored discussion points - McCain on foreign policy, Obama with the economy, but the consensus is that McCain generally came off as the more authoritative figure. "It reminded me of a father schooling his idiot kid," analyst Steve Fedders said.

By all accounts, the highlight of the debate was this spirited exchange, started when Obama questioned McCain's accomplishments over his years spent in the Senate:

Sen. Obama: I uh....uh...... I would suggest that John McCain's political career uh...uh..while lengthy, uh...hasn't produced the kind of change he claims to be capable of."

Sen. McCain: I'm not surprised Sen. Obama is unaware of my numerous accomplishments, as someone who was chasing his next crack rock on the streets of Chicago probably didn't follow politics or the news much.

Sen. Obama: That's not fair!

Sen. McCain: Of course it's fair, it's true.

Sen. Obama: I...I....uh..uh......

Sen. McCain: What, are you gonna cry now, you little pussy?

Moderator Jim Lehrer: Mr. McCain, that's enough.

Sen. McCain: You know Barry, remind me sometime to show you a few moves the gooks put on me in a VC prison camp while you were still trying to grow pubic hair.

Moderator Jim Lehrer: Let's move to the next topic.

The candidates will meet for two more debates before the election.

Chinese Fake Space Report, Plan Walk

BEIJING (SR) - A 42-year-old fighter pilot, Zhai Zhaigabor, is scheduled to carry out a 20-minute space walk at 1630 Beijing Time (0830 GMT) on Saturday. It will be the first time Chinese specemonkeis (astronauts) have ventured outside their Peij-O Shyt VII spacecraft. 

Mr. Zhaigabor will be wearing a spacesuit reported to cost over 30 million yuan ($78.95), constructed from the same UV-resistant fabric found in premium Wal-Mart chaise lounge chairs.

Chinese state media yesterday released a report describing the safe launch of the Phlaming-Crapstik II-F rocket carrying the P.O.S. VII several hours before it actually lifted off. The report even included these exchanges between the three specemonkeis:

"We are leaving launchpad. Setting course for space. I am increasing gas for more speed, over."

"We are in space now. Turning on headlights, over."

"We are going around the earth now, letting off gas, over."

Chinese space officials blamed the premature report on a "time warp."

Through our contacts, Scooter's Report was able to listen to the actual launch tape. The recording starts with calm talk between the astronauts and mission control until we hear someone say "turn on motor." The remainder of the tape consists of hysterical screaming amid a deafening roar, small explosions, warning alarms, and frantic cries of "HEP HEP HEP." 

Officials released a photo today showing the three crew members apparently in good health, preparing for their historic space walk.

Chinese Launch Another POS!

BEIJING (SR) - The Chinese successfully launched their third manned space mission today, putting three men into orbit. The Peij-O Shyt VII capsule soared into orbit atop a Phlaming-Crapstik II-F rocket from the Phukyu spaceport in Longwang province in the northwest of China. 

Like all Chinese spacecraft, the Peij-O Shyt VII was engineered and manufactured at the Sum-Ting Wong Space and Industrial Complex, the world's largest manufacturer and supplier of lawn furniture to Wal-Mart.

As in past Chinese launches, large flaming plastic pieces fell off the rocket and rained down on horrified spectators and most primary systems failed immediately after take-off, prompting one unnamed official to question whether the craft would be able to complete its mission of putting three Chinese astronauts ("specemonkeis") into orbit, then bringing them back to earth alive: "Hory crap, dat Peij-O Shyt gonna bro big-time!"

Chinese space officials later confirmed the capsule had successfully reached orbit, and that "both" specemonkeis appeared to be alive.

 

            Sum-Ting Wong Space Complex                        Lift-off of Peij-O Shyt VII

Ahmadinejad Parties in New York!

NEW YORK (SR) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enjoyed a night on the town Tuesday, following his fiery speech earlier at the United Nations.

My sources tell me the Iranian leader partied the night away at the trendy 21 Club in the company of an unidentified female. Surprisingly, Ahmadinejad, a devout Muslim, was reported to have 'burned up' the dance floor with his date, and later enjoyed cigars and cocktails with a shadowy figure identified only as "a supporter."

After the club closed, the Iranian president and his date were seen being helped into a limousine that whisked them back to his hotel.

President Ahmadinejad is expected to return to Iran sometime today.

 (above) President Ahmadinejad and unidentified date

  President Ahmadinejad and unknown supporter at the 21 Club

Bill Clinton: Palin's Hot, Has Nice Lips

NEW YORK (SR) - Former President Bill Clinton said Monday he understands why Sarah Palin is so popular.

Speaking to reporters before his Clinton Global Initiative meeting, the former president described Palin's appeal by saying, "I come from Arkansas, I get why she's hot out there. She's well-spoken and attractive, nice lips. For me it's those big, soft, pouty lips that seem to say 'I can handle anything you can throw at me,' I really like that."

Clinton went on to say voters would think "I like that little Down syndrome kid. They're wonderful children." He added, "I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind being that little baby, especially at feeding time, if you know what I mean." 

The Global Initiative, a project of Clinton's foundation, will hold its four-day annual meeting in Manhattan starting Tuesday.

Poll: Obama 6 Point Loss For Being Black?

(SR) - According to a Associated Press-Yahoo News poll conducted with Stanford University, six percentage points is the price Barack Obama could pay on election day for being black.

"There's a penalty for prejudice, and it's not trivial," Stanford University political scientist Paul Sniderman told the AP. "Of course our same study showed Obama would lose by at least ten percentage points for being a socialist pinhead, so I guess it doesn't really matter."

In a response to the polling, an Obama spokesperson said, "We're hoping Sen. Obama will only lose by three points since he's only half black. Also, we categorically deny he is a pinhead."

 

               "Not a pinhead"

Charles Rangel Latest Democrat to Spaz Out

New York (SR) - In a CBS 2 interview, Manhattan Congressman Charles Rangel was asked why the Democrats are so afraid of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her popularity.

Rangel replied, "You got to be kind to the disabled."

Predictably, Republicans were incensed at Rangel's comments. Rep. Peter King, R-Long Island, said, "Rangel is a douche-rocket of the first magnitude. Even his mother hated him." 

Some Democrats also chastised Rangel for his poor use of words. Vice presidential nominee Joe Biden said, "Look, Charlie probably shouldn't have said that, but frankly, it's better than calling Palin a whore."

Michael Imperiale of Disabled In Action Of Metropolitan N.Y. called Rangel's remarks "the pot calling the kettle black." He said, "I work around retarded people every day, and most of them are sharper than Charlie Rangel. A man who heads the Ways and Means Committee, but claims he didn't know he had to pay taxes on income property and a bunch of other stuff, obviously has the mental capacity of an oyster".

Later Friday, Rangel issued a statement saying "disabled" wasn't the word he meant to use, instead saying he meant to say Palin was "retarded."

My comments: Sometimes I suspect the McCain/Palin campaign is paying Democrats like Rangel to say these things....

   

Obama Solution to Financial Meltdown: "Actions"

Washington D.C. (SR) - Democratic presidential nominee Barack "Don't call me Hussein" Obama said on Friday he supported efforts by the Treasury Department and Federal Reserve to shore up confidence in the financial markets by "doing whatever it is those departments do."

"The events of the last few days have made it clear that we must take further bold and decisive action to shore up confidence in our financial markets and avoid a deepening economic crisis that could jeopardize the life savings and well-being of millions of Americans," Obama said in a typically long-winded, yet empty statement.

When asked by reporters what "bold and decisive" actions he had in mind, Obama replied, "Actions that are extremely bold and unbelievably decisive." When pressed for specifics, the candidate snapped, "I think I've clearly outlined my plan."

Privately, campaign insiders admit Obama isn't really sure what's happening, other than some companies 'have problems'. An unidentified Obama staffer told Scooter's Report, "When Barack gets a handle on what's going on, I'm sure someone in our campaign will give him a solution."

My comment: One would think with his experience mishandling tens of millions of dollars from the Annenberg Foundation with good friend and unrepentant terrorist William Ayres, and his intimate connection with slimy radical group ACORN, Barry would understand all about high-level financial mismanagement. Maybe the crack smoking affected his short term memory or something.

 

 "Obama charts course to save economy"

"Half of All Americans Filthy Racists!"

IOWA CITY — Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius said publicly that the only possible reason that Barack "Don't call me Hussein" Obama isn't leading McCain in the polls is because of his race.

“Have any of you noticed that Barack Obama is part African-American or Mulatto or something?” Sebelius asked in response to a question about why the election is so close. “That may be a factor. All the code language, all that doesn't show up in the polls, and that may be a factor for some people. Or maybe it's just because he's a skinny guy with a goofy name and the I.Q. of a blowfish - I dunno."

Later, CNN teleprompter-reader, Jack Cafferty, parroted Sebelius's statements. "It's got to be race. Clearly half the people in this miserable country are racists, white supremacists, or both. I'd say it's pretty much all the Republicans."

My comment: Here I thought half the country hated Barry because of his infanticidal, tax-raising, Marxist, appeasing, elitist policies, not because he's almost black. I guess I was wrong.

    

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius                   CNN's Jack Cafferty

Obama Parties Like a Rock Star!

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - Last night Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack "Don't call me Hussein" Obama partied with the Hollywood elite at the ultra-swanky Greystone Mansion. The $28,500 a person reception was then followed with a $2,500 a ticket performance by event organizer Barbara Streisand at the ritzy Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

While television cameras were not allowed, my inside sources report that Obama partied like a rock star, at one point doing body shots off of Streisand's ample midriff, and later snorting lines in a bathroom with one of Hollywood's most popular action stars. "This is the America I love!" a laughing Obama later yelled as he led a snaking conga line around the pool.

Altogether, the event raised over $11,000,000 for the Obama campaign.

My comments: Barry knows who is friends are and thankfully they don't cling to hick stuff like guns and religion, plus they've got bucks out the wazoo! If he wants to party with the rich and beautiful while the economy tanks, why should we care?

Obama Now Speechless Without Teleprompter!

Pueblo, Colorado - Apparently wary of the growing public perception he has Alzheimer's or "crack" brain, Sen. Barack Obama is now using a teleprompter everywhere he goes.

Unit recently, he was not using the device at standard campaign rallies, town hall events, lunch meetings, or interviews. Insiders report the candidate's inability to process words directly from his brain into speech is something he doesn't like to talk about, for obvious reasons - he can't without a teleprompter.

One Obama campaign staffer told me, "He's really a smart guy, it's just sometimes he can't remember how words go together to make sentences and stuff."

My comment: I personally can't listen to Barry freestyle without imagining I smell something like wires burning. Having him read someone else's thoughts on a little television screen is probably a good thing.

 

Obama Attempted to Sabotage Troop Withdrawals!

Baghdad, Iraq - While campaigning in public for a speedy withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, Sen. Barack Hussein Obama tried in private to persuade Iraqi leaders to keep U.S. troops in Iraq, instead of allowing a planned upcoming draw-down. 

According to Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari, Obama made his demand for delay a key theme of his discussions with Iraqi leaders in Baghdad in July.

"Mr. Obama demanded the U.S. troops stay in Iraq until after the American elections. He also insisted they be forced to patrol Baghdad and Mosul unarmed on bicycles in groups of two or less 'in order to reduce their carbon footprints,' whatever the hell that means." said Zebari. "We told the little jihadist to suck it and get out of our country."

My comment: I can't blame Barry - having victorious troops coming home during the Bush administration can't help him, and doing whatever he can to keep them in harm's way until the elections is just smart political maneuvering.

Obama Courts Redneck Vote, Cancels SNL Appearance

New York City, N.Y. - Democratic presidential nominee Bararck Obama announced he would not be appearing tonight on the television show "Saturday Night Live" out of reverence for the victims of Hurricane Ike, the massive storm that devastated a large area of the Gulf Coast. "I uh..uh....uh..just can't enjoy myself when uh....uh...people are getting blown and wet," the candidate explained to reporters.     

Obama went on to tell reporters that the Bush administration was responsible for the hurricane, and saying McCain would "bring more of the same, or worse." When asked if he was planning a trip to the affected region, Obama said he was "evaluating the possibility," but one unidentified staffer later confided that "Barry would never make it out of South Texas alive," so probably won't be making the trip.

My comment: I'm disappointed Barry won't be on the show, but am touched by his standing in solidarity with the kind of religious, gun-loving southern yokels he so despises. Bravo, Barry!

 

         Obama to visit South?

 

Obama Talking Tough, Palin a Nymphomaniac

Chicago, Ill. - Barack Obama is "taking off the gloves" and forcefully attacking John McCain after being pummeled with claims the Obama campaign is unfairly maligning Republican vice presidential nominee Gov. Sarah Palin.

Obama told a campaign stop audience, " Make no..uh....uh..no mistake, we will....uhh...uh...uh....we will not idly stand...uh..stand by while John McCain..uh..distorts our positions. We will uh..will concentrate...uh..uh..on attacking his..uh..uh...weak platform."

Later, an unknown Obama staffer released a new report claiming Gov. Palin is a "nymphomaniac with a pension for high-risk unprotected sex." The report cites the candidate's numerous children as evidence of its claims. No reply yet from the McCain camp concerning these latest charges.

My comments: Ruh Roh, Barry's bought/found a spine, as well as the real dirt on Palin - now she's finished for sure!

    

                                                                           photo courtesy of Obama for President '08

Biden Out As Vice President?

Nashua, N.H. - Vice presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden told a campaign stop crowd that Hillary Clinton is "easily qualified to be vice president of the United States of America, and quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me."

A McCain staffer was quick to point out that Biden's referring to Clinton as "it" minimized the compliment, but others say Biden's comment illustrates the candidate's growing fear he may be replaced on the ticket. 

Our sources tell us that Biden is feeling insecure since learning of confidential test polls done within the Obama campaign evaluating his popularity against possible alternatives that could more effectively counter the Republican's Gov. Sarah Palin. Scooter's Report has obtained the confidential poll results:

Vice presidential nominees, in order of popularity:

1. Sen. Hillary Clinton

2. Al Gore

3. David Hasselhoff

4. That sales guy in the "ShamWow" commercial

5. A Cocker Spaniel

6. Dead ringtail lemur

7. HP 5650 inkjet printer

8. Sen. Joe Biden

9. Bicycle seat

10. Ball of lint

My comment: I guess Biden has reason to be somewhat insecure, but he's still light-years ahead of a ball of lint, and that should give him a certain amount of comfort.

Joe Biden: "Obama Referring to Another Pig"

Juniper Creek, Missouri - Sen. Joseph Biden today defended Barack Obama's "lipstick-on-a-pig" comment as being innocent, and condemned the McCain campaign for using it to attack Barack Obama.

Speaking to a crowd of over twenty people at Danny's Car Wash, Biden said, "McCain and his people should be ashamed of themselves, It's clear Sen. Obama was not referring to Gov. Palin, but another pig."

My comment: Leave it to Biden to eloquently and succinctly set things straight.

Obama Unleashes Hillary on Palin!

KISSIMMEE, Fla. - In an attempt to counter the surging popularity of Sarah Palin, Barack Obama dispatched former rival Hillary Clinton to this Florida city, the first of several campaign stops across the country.

Anyone wanting a Hillary vs. Sarah smackdown was in for a letdown. Sarah Palin launched her campaign with praise for the strides Hillary Rodham Clinton made in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination. On Monday, Clinton spoke in kind, saying Palin's nomination was "...a great accomplishment, especially for a backwoods skank."

On a side note, analysts responded favorably to Hillary's fresh look, saying she looked rested and relaxed following her short vacation.

My comment: I can't put my finger on it, but somehow Hillary seems "warmer" or something.

  

Democrats Reel as Olbermann, Matthews Kicked to the Curb!

New York, N.Y. - Following a disastrous ratings period, MSNBC has announced that anchors Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews will be replaced by David Gregory.

While Olbermann and Matthew's unapologetically pro-Democrat reporting has improved ratings for MSNBC, the network still lags significantly behind leader Fox News and other networks, with ratings roughly equal to late night Popeil "Ronco ShowTime Rotisserie" infomercials. 

Many industry insiders believe the recent release of candid photos showing Olbermann exiting the back door of Obama campaign headquarters at 3:00 AM holding what appears to be a DNC talking points outline, may have been the tipping point for a network battling criticism of left wing partisanism.

The fact this latest embarrassment comes on the heels of the now-infamous "Matthews - Obama canoodling" tape release, coupled with the abysmal conventions ratings, almost certainly guaranteed MSNBC would kick Olbermann and Matthews to the curb.

My comment: Who cares about the "DNC talking points outline", what the heck is Olbermann carrying in his other hand? I've provided a closeup (below).

  

Angry Obama Strikes Back!

MIDDLETOWN, N.J. - Speaking at a $30,800 a person fund raising event at 80's rocker Bon Jovi's mansion, Barack Obama angrily denounced recent McCain campaign comments concerning his lack of experience and associations with unrepentant terrorists, demented reverends, and convicted slumlords.

Waving a cocktail weenie, Obama said, "We're not going to be uh...uh...uh....bullied, we're uhhh...uh..uh..not going to be smeared, we're not going to be uh....uh....lied about." Obviously addressing Palin specifically, Obama continued, "I uh..uh..don't think she knows who she's dealing with. I don't take that sh..stuff, especially from a bit..uh...uh...Republican!"

When asked to respond to Obama's comments, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin replied, "By the time I'm done with Barry, he'll be sobbing like a little girl."

My comment: I'm very disappointed by Palin's response, as it does nothing to elevate civility in this race.

 

 

Media, Dems: "What War?"

Washington DC - Apparently unbeknown to most of the American media and virtually all Democrats, the war in Iraq has been all but won by coalition armed forces.

Because of the lack of coverage, few Americans know that just weeks after the city of Mosul, formerly one of the most dangerous areas of Iraq, was turned over to Iraq security forces by U.S. troops, General David Petraeus has announced plans to do the same with the city of Baghdad.

When asked why they didn't report these events, a representative of NBC replied, "We knew about the Mosul thing but it was hardly news, no Americans were killed." In answer to the same question, the only Democrat we could find willing to discuss the Iraq war was Nev. Senator Harry Reid who said, "This war has been lost for a long time, the fact we couldn't hold these cities confirms that fact. It's over."

Surprisingly, the media and Democrats have proven in the past to be tenacious in their coverage of this war, and still faithfully report notable setbacks without fail.

My comment: I guess with the elections and hurricanes and such there's just not enough reporters to go around.

Biden: Palin "Kicked the Crap Out of Us."

Minneapolis, Minn. - Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin took the stage last night at the Republican National Convention, giving a rousing speech that has garnered accolades from both party faithful and political adversaries alike.

Commenting on Palin's speech, Barack Obama told a reporter, "Governor Palin uh..uh..she uh....uh..basically repeated uhhh....uh..she repeated uh....uh..the same sort of things that uh....uh...(burning smell)...uh....the things...uh...that George Bush uh...uh...uh..has uh...said before. But she uh...uh...did...uh...okay...for a woman, I guess."

Obama running mate Joe Biden was typically blunt in assessing his Republican counterpart's performance: "I can't lie, she kicked the crap out of us. I feel like I've been bitch-slapped by a sumo wrestler."

My comment: It's obvious McCain isn't much needed in this race, Palin clearly has the brains and brawn to handle two socialists with the combined IQ of a bicycle seat.

Democrats Terrified by Palin!

Minneapolis, Minn. - Left wing media outlets continue to push stories critical of Gov. Sarah Palin and her family. Clearly this political newcomer has struck terror into the hearts of liberals, prompting some of the most repugnant reporting even by mainline media standards.

Apparently McCain picked the right running mate.

Hurricanes, Pregnancy, Riots, Bump!

• Liberals erupted in outrage over the news Sarah Palin's seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant, planning to marry the father, and have the child. The general consensus from the mainstream media is that an enlightened individual would abort the baby, not marry the father, and draw welfare the rest of her life.
• New Orleans was not wiped out by hurricane Gustav, much to the relief of the 1252 normal people and the hoards of gang-bangers, crackheads, and human refuge that call that fetid cesspool home. Maybe next time.
• The usual group of Godless welfare recipients/college professors/clueless morons are rioting outside the Republican convention, and nobody but them really cares. Here's hoping for some good old fashioned police brutality...
• On the heels of the Democratic National Convention, Barack Hussein's bump is smaller than Bristol Palin's. Ruh roh!

    

HOT: Chris Matthews / Barack Obama Lovefest!

Chicago, Illinois - Scooter's Report has received exclusive video of what appears to be MSNBC's Chris Matthews and presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama canoodling in a cheap motel room!

The grainy black and white video tape shows the two men spooning and giving each other back rubs. The only dialog heard is Matthews repeatedly praising Obama while breathing heavily.

Representatives from MSNBC and the Obama campaign are vigorously denying the authenticity of the video.

My comment: Anyone who's listened to Matthew's political reporting in the last six months already had this one figured out - no surprise here. We just feel sorry for Michelle, she has enough anger already.