Scooter's Report

Obama: "We Must Win This War"

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama reiterated his resolve to "do whatever it takes" to win a conflict that has notably worsened in the last few months, and increasingly pulled the President away from other important issues.

"I will not stand idly by while foreign countries pose a threat to U.S. interests," the President told reporters during an impromptu conference Tuesday. "I have committed 100% of my time and resources toward crafting a strategy for victory, and I will not rest until that victory has been achieved." 

Proof of the White House's resolve was displayed when First Lady Michelle Obama arrived in Copenhagen Wednesday morning in a show of determination to outbid several other countries vying for the right to host the 2016 Olympics. Mrs. Obama told reporters the President will join her Friday, and said they will commit "any and all resources" to bring the Olympics to their hometown, Chicago.

My comments: This president shows the kind of steely determination and will to win that makes me proud to be an American. Hopefully after he brings victory on this front he can do something about the increased U.S. fatalities in Afghanistan, but hey, first things first!

Let's toast the President and the First Lady's brave efforts with a tasty, cold margarita!

This is war - White House invades Copenhagen

Obama Getting Tough With Iran

WASHINGTON (SR) - Unidentified sources in the White House claim President Obama has drafted a series of escalating actions meant to pressure Iran into ceasing their uranium enrichment activities.

The proposed punitive actions come amid Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent disclosure that his country has a second nuclear reactor secreted in an underground complex. While many say the United States was surely aware of this second facility, the public disclosure by Ahmadinejad has forced President Obama to publicly react, and apparently the President is "taking off the gloves."

According to the source, the following are the progressively severe actions the White House will take if Iran does not cease uranium enrichment:

1. President Obama to give "tough" speech calling upon Iran to "do the right thing." President will not smile.

If no effect

2. President Obama to give "extremely tough" speech, telling Iran to "do the right thing or else." President will slap lectern lightly for emphasis while frowning.

If no effect

3. President Obama to give "toughest possible speech," ordering Iran to "do the right thing or suffer the painful consequences of our severe displeasure," President will pound lectern and glare menacingly.

If no effect

4. Nuclear option: Blame Bush, go on "The View" and discuss health care reform.

My comments: They don't call him "The Hammer" for nothing! I pray Iran will capitulate so we can avoid all this needless bloodshed violence talking!

Let's have a margarita while we ponder this ominous escalation.

President Obama gets tough on Iran

Obama: "I Don't Have Time For War Stuff"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Amid a recently published classified report by the U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, stating the war in Afghanistan “will likely result in failure” if more troops are not added soon, comes news that President Obama has spoken with the general only once since taking office.

“I’ve left messages on numerous occasions, but the President never calls back," Gen. McChrystal told CBS reporter David Martin in a television interview that aired Sunday. "Finally I got hold of (White House Chief of Staff) Rahm Emanuel, and he told me the President didn't have time for 'war stuff' right now, as he had a lot of TV appearances lined up. He said call back after health care reform has passed."

My comments: I suppose there's something to be said for a boss that doesn't micro-manage, but this Afghanistan thing seems a little more pressing than Letterman (and just about as funny).

Let's mix up some margaritas and invite Gen. McChrystal over, he might as well be doing something while he waits....

General McChrystal waits for word from White House, Obama and Letterman yuck it up

It's Elementary: Obama We Praise You!

BURLINGTON, NJ (SR) - Students at B. Bernice Young Elementary School are being taught songs glorifying President Barack Obama, and many parents are outraged. The school's activities came to light when a video showing the children singing two songs was recently posted on YouTube.

The strongest objections have centered around lyrics in one song that include "Move over Jesus, we've got B.O.," " Barack for all that you do, we give our lives to you," "Only truth Obama tells, Conservatives lie and go to Hell," among others.

One parent's letter to the school board is typical of many: "Are you kidding me? You've got my kid worshiping a socialist ex-crackhead who was mentored by terrorists and racists? I'm going to kick someone's ass!" Christopher M. Manno, the superintendent of Burlington Township School District, angrily defended the songs, saying the children "need something real to believe in besides all that 'Jesus crap.'"

My comments: Wow, I watched that video and all I could think of was that movie "Children of the Damned." I kept waiting for their little eyes to light up!

Only four or five hours of nonstop margarita drinking is going to get that insipid song out of my head, mmm, mmm. mmm.

Stimulus Working, Employment Up (Sort Of)

WASHINGTON (SR) - The Obama administration has released information to back their claim that the $787 billion economic recovery package is successfully putting Americans back to work and strengthening the economy.

According to the administration over 25,000 new government jobs have been added since December while Labor Department statistics show nearly 4 million lost their jobs during the same period. A government spokesman praised the results, saying, "Clearly the $787 billion was well worth borrowing. Don't forget, we've just created 25,000 new tax payers here."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs also touted the success of the stimulus program Thursday, telling reporters, "The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act is doing exactly what it is supposed to - creating jobs. Ultimately, with all Americans working for the government, we will not only eliminate unemployment but the accompanying increased tax revenues will easily fund health care and eradicate climate change - it's a win-win all the way."

My comments: I can't wait to go to work for the government so I can finally have some financial stability in my life. Being healthier and saving polar bears while enjoying that financial stability is simply the icing on the cake.

Let's toast the success of the government's efforts with a cool, delicious margarita!

Obama Addresses U.N., Lays Egg

UNITED NATIONS (SR) - President Barack Obama addressed world leaders on Wednesday, telling them "the people of the world want change."

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah hope for a better tomorrow," Obama said in his first address to the U.N. General Assembly. "Together we can blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah something something something. (I couldn't hear this part clearly - sorry).

While overall the President gave a solid, if predictable speech, there was one glaring faux pas that seemed to stun the audience - his statement "The time has come for the world to move in a new direction." As one veteran news reporter remarked, "Even a retarded fifth grader knows the earth moves in one direction, if it were to change course we would all die almost instantly."

Following the address, the White House was quick to cover for the President, issuing a statement saying in part: "...President Obama did not specifically state he wanted the world to move in a drastically different direction, he was referring to only a degree or two - certainly not enough to make us freeze to death or burn up in the sun."

My comments: I guess smoking a joint before science class wasn't such a great idea, huh Barry?

Only a margarita is going to dull this national shame, won't you join me?

New Terrorist Plot Investigated!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Federal agents are scrambling to unravel what some are describing as the largest and most sophisticated plot to bring down the United States yet uncovered.

Authorities claim undercover Muslim radicals have integrated themselves into some of the highest echelons of power, and have already set into motion actions profoundly detrimental to the nation's economy and constitutional foundation.

"At first we thought the North Koreans were behind this thing, but we're not sure," said one investigator with the FBI. "We do know the situation is serious, and that we're dealing with dangerous and desperate extremists who want nothing more than to bring this country to its knees."

Additional information on the suspects involved in the plot is being withheld pending further investigation, with the exception of a leaked surveillance photograph purported to show the terrorist's leader and possibly his second-in-command.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, exactly how do these Godless radicals worm their way into positions of power in a country like this?

Let's have a margarita while our country circles the drain - I'll pour.

Obama Made Polish Missile Jokes

WASHINGTON (SR) - In the wake of the Obama administration's cancellation of a missile defense shield in Eastern Europe, comes an embarrassing report that President Obama made derogatory comments about Poland's ability to participate in the original plan.

An unnamed White House source said he heard President Obama tell White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel that "giving Polacks missiles is like handing out shotguns at the Special Olympics." Reportedly Emanuel replied with a joke about the Polish Space Agency's plan to survive a mission to the sun (they're going at night), which reduced the President to tears.

On another occasion President Obama was overheard telling Defense Secretary Robert Gates that "Polacks with missiles is way scarier than Iran with nukes," to which Gates replied, "Not if they (the missiles) were made out of cardboard." Both men then playfully argued how many Poles would likely die from "paper cuts."

As of Monday morning the White House had neither confirmed nor denied these accusations.

My comments: I suspect this is going to go over like the proverbial 'turd in a punchbowl' in Poland - thank God they don't loan us money.

Let's have some margaritas and tell Polish jokes!

Pelosi: Conservatives Ready To Kill

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters at her weekly press meeting Thursday that today's angry conservative protests are similar to anti-gay rallies in the late 1970s that preceded the totally non-related assassination of two San Francisco political leaders.

Pelosi appeared to choke up as she recounted her feelings of fear at the sight of average Americans protesting in 1978: "I have concerns about some of the language that is being used because I saw this, myself, in the late '70s in San Francisco. This kind of rhetoric was very frightening, and it created a climate in which violence took place, although that violence had nothing to do with the climate the rhetoric created."

The press meeting ended prematurely with Pelosi, overcome with emotion, screaming, "They're going to kill us! Those conservative f*ckers are going to kill us all!" as aides hustled her out of the room.

My comments: Wow, crazy Aunt Nancy may want to cut back on the coffee and airplane glue for a few days! As for me, I'm going to have a few margaritas in an attempt to quench my overwhelming desire to find and kill a gay mayor of some major city.

NOTE: For those too young to remember what crazy Aunt Nancy's referring to, here's a link to information describing the 1978 murder of San Francisco mayor Harvey Milk.

Missile Defense Shield Canceled Over Race?

WASHINGTON (SR) - A senior Obama administration official confirmed to CNN Thursday that the missile defense shield program for Europe will be shelved.

Contrary to Vice President Biden's earlier comments that the shield wasn't necessary because Iran was "no longer a threat," an anonymous White House source said the cancellation is really due to the fact Eastern Europe is almost entirely Caucasian, the same race responsible for opposing President Obama in this country because he's (somewhat) black.

"When the President learned that Eastern Europeans are all white he flipped out, saying they can buy their own damned missiles. He said that kind of money could put an ACORN office on every corner here, and buy union support out the wazoo," said the source.

My comments: I can't blame Barry for not wanting to protect a bunch of Euro-trash white folks, they don't vote over here. Let's have a margarita and celebrate!

 

Obama to Europeans: "Buy your own damned missiles"

I Hate Obama Because Of His Race

Scooter's Report Editorial -  After hearing Jimmy Carter say racism was at the heart of Rep. Joe Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech as well as the majority of opposition to the President in general, I suddenly came to the startling realization that Carter is absolutely right - I do hate Obama because of his race.

God help me, but I must confess: I hate the white half of Barack Obama with a passion.

Who couldn't listen to vapid asshats like Carter, Gore, the Clintons, Franken, Pelosi, Frank, Reid, Dowd, Moore, just to name a very few, and not despise white people? I can only assume there's some genetic trait in the Caucasian race that makes many of them recoil from anything vaguely resembling truth or righteousness. I also suspect that being a Democrat may play some part (I'm still working on this).

Look, I love the black half of President Obama - his getting high and partying as a youth, his beer summits and pizza parties as President, his nice tan, etc., but his white half I loathe - the endless lies and distortions, his shameless socialist/Marxist/communist idealogolies that seem to motivate his vision for America, his inane ability to talk for hours and say absolutely nothing, and a bunch of other stuff I'm too lazy to mention.

I know I shouldn't let a few bad white people poison my feelings toward the President of the United States, but Carter's statement yesterday put me over the top. The only thing keeping me from calling for the extermination of all white people is the fact there are still some decent ones left, primarily in the Republican Party, and the fact I'm one of them.

When it's all said and done, I'm sorry I'm a racist and I'm sorry I hate the white half of President Obama, but that's the way I feel and I can't deny it. I'm going to have a few margaritas now while I reflect upon my failings as a human being.

 

"An example of why I hate white people"

Senate Kicks ACORN In Nuts

WASHINGTON (SR) - The U.S. Senate voted overwhelmingly to deny The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) access to federal housing funds.

ACORN has received more than $53 million in U.S. funds since 1994, but never-ending charges of widespread fraud has eroded its reputation, as evidenced by the U.S. Census Bureau's announcement last week that the group would not be participating in the census next year. "After careful consideration we determined that the average citizen may possibly object to hoards of felons/crack addicts invading their neighborhoods," said a Census Bureau spokesman.

ACORN said the Senate's action was disappointing but would have little impact on its overall operations. "The only real victims of today's vote are the families who have benefited from ACORN's important work, the Democrat Party, and of course every crack dealer within ten blocks of our offices," ACORN chief Bertha Lewis said in a statement posted on the group's website.

My comments: Yeah! Now let's hope the House has the giblets to follow suit, so we can send these felonious liberal morons back to the welfare rolls!

Let's celebrate with a tasty margarita!

 

ACORN chief Bertha Lewis

White House: Tea Party Protesters "Inbred Hillbillies"

WASHINGTON (SR) - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters today that President Obama was "totally unfazed" by the tens of thousands of anti-administration "Tea Party" protesters in Washington this past weekend. "The President has more important things to deal with than a bunch of angry inbred hillbillies waving stupid signs," said Gibbs. 

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi echoed those sentiments, calling the protesters "drunken retarded racist rednecks running amok," and expressing her relief that "no Negros where lynched" during the event.

My comments: Wow, in the photos these people look fairly normal - I guess one just can't tell these days. Let's mix up some margaritas and thank God no Negros were harmed in that out-of-control cracka-fest!

 

Angry rednecks looking for Negros to lynch?

Obama Apologizes For 9-11 Attacks

WASHINGTON (SR) - The White House released a statement today commemorating the terrorist attacks on our country eight years ago today, and apologizing for America's actions that provoked those attacks.

In the statement President Obama says he "personally feels bad" for the victims and their families, and to this day is "haunted by the loss of such great office buildings and the injustices that provoked their destruction."

The statement concludes with the President vowing to continue to reach out to all Muslims angry with the U.S. with an "open hand full of cash," and repeated his promise to close down the Guantanamo Bay detention facility and "dramatically" improve the living conditions for all enemy insurgents in captivity.

 

Eight years ago today: President Bush, Barack Obama learn of terrorist attacks

Rep. Wilson Apologizes, Sort Of

WASHINGTON (SR) - A Republican House member has apologized for his outburst during President Obama's health care reform address Wednesday night.

South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson shouted "You lie" after Obama said extending health care to all Americans would not mean insuring illegal immigrants.

Wilson's outburst brought a swift denunciation from Democrats and Republicans alike. Vice President Biden said the incident made him "embarrassed for the chamber and a Congress that I love - not a superficial love, but a deep, soulful love that sometimes makes me want to get naked and ru....uh..never mind."

Rep. Wilson was quick to apologize for his actions and released this statement: "This evening I let my emotions get the best of me and my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I meant to say 'you lie like a cheap rug, you skinny, arrogant, Godless, commie piece of sh*t,' but I was so mad I couldn't think straight. Sorry."

My comments: I have a feeling Joe might love Congress just a little too much...

Let's ponder Rep. Wilson's lack of decorum over a delicious margarita!

 

Wilson reacts to Obama speech

Obama Will Offer Fresh Argument Tonight

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama will offer a fresh argument for his health care reform plan tonight in his prime-time address, according to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "The President's going to speak very clearly and directly to the American people about what's in the bill for them, like free hair care, massages, breast augmentations, and other free services."

Appearing on morning news shows, Gibbs said Obama will tout a health care overhaul that secures insurance people now have, makes affordable care accessible to those without it, cuts insurance costs for families and small business, and cures every cancer while eradicating world hunger.

"The President's argument tonight will be so fresh, you'll feel compelled to slap it," said Gibbs.

My comments: Why didn't they mention the free messages and boob jobs earlier? Count me and my girlfriend in, baby! Oh, and that hunger thing is good too.

Let's celebrate with some delicious, cool margaritas!

 

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs

Godless, Brainless Beings Invade Capitol!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Onlookers were shocked and terrified this morning as hordes of beings descended upon the House chambers in the Capitol Building. Witnesses described the creatures as "arrogant, unintelligent, and profane," and reported them gathering to discuss "a means of enslaving the masses by controlling their health."

"It was scary as hell," said one witness. "There was a bunch of them led by what I would describe as some sort of undead, possibly female thing. I'll say this, as bad as it looked, it sounded way worse."

A Capitol maintenance man told reporters he had been Inappropriately touched by one of the beings that he described as having a speech impediment and "reeking" of Chanel #5. "It was like a retarded, fat, gay life-form that smelled good," said the shaken individual who asked not to be identified. He added, "I discovered later it stole my wallet."

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope! I say nuke the joint and let's start over!
Just thinking about those filthy things befouling our nation's capitol makes me want a margarita - won't you join me?

 

What are they and what do they want?

Oliver Stone, Michael Moore: "America Sucks"

Venice (SR) - Director Oliver Stone's new documentary film "South of the Border" portrays Hugo Chavez as an enlightened leader who's been unfairly demonized by the United States government and media.

"I think the movie, if you've seen it, shows very clearly the level of stupidity in the kind of broad statements that are made about Mr. Chavez," Stone told reporters in Venice, where South of the Border has its world premiere on Monday. "Disparaging Hugo just because he's a socialist megalomaniac who crushes dissent, nationalizes private industries, and wants to be ruler for life shows just how much America sucks."

Michael Moore is also in Venice promoting his new movie "Capitalism: A Love Story," a documentary based on the premise that capitalism is evil. The movie concludes with Moore's summation, "America sucks, capitalism is an evil, and you cannot regulate evil," you have to eliminate it and replace it with something that is good for all people and that something is communis..er, sociali...I mean democracy."

My comments: These Hollywood types just love socialism/Marxism/communism, at least as long as they don't live under it, as these forms of government would pretty much keep them from getting filthy rich and dissing their country. Life is good!

Let's have some delicious margaritas and try not to think about it....

Van Jones Regrets Calling For White Extermination, Commie Takeover

WASHINGTON (SR) - A top environmental official of the Obama administration issued a statement Thursday apologizing for past incendiary statements while defending his affiliations with some organizations.

Van Jones, the Special Advisor for Green Jobs at the White House Council on Environmental Quality said he "somewhat regrets" past statements where he advocated a communist overthrow of the United States and "extermination" of all white people.

Jones acknowledged his affiliations with some controversial organizations, but denied being influenced by them and flatly rejected the idea they somehow taint his position as a senior Obama administrator. The organizations include the New Black Panther Party, American Communist Party, Cracka Killez Brotherhood, Nation of Yahweh, Socialists United, Nation of Islam, Kill Whitey Now, Marxists For A Better Tomorrow, and Death To Jews International, among others.

In his statement Jones denied being a "9/11 Truther" and signing a 2004 petition calling for a congressional investigation into the Bush administration's supposed involvement in the attacks of 9/11, despite evidence that he did sign the petition.

My comments: Since when does being a racist-commie-genocidal insurrectionist-conspiracy nut make you unfit for one of our government's highest offices? When will The Man get off a brotha's back? 

If this story doesn't demand several delicious margaritas, nothing does. Cheers!

UPDATE!: Van Jones has resigned his position, thankfully reducing the number of racists and/or communists in the Obama administration by one (hey, it's a start...).

 

Van Jones relaxes with friends

Biden: Stimulus Worked!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Vice President Joe Biden on Thursday told an audience at the Brookings Institute that the government's stimulus effort is working, saying the recovery act has "played a significant role in changing the trajectory of the economy." He went on to say that by his calculation, the trajectory had gone from "straight down" to "maybe a minus 80 degree to minus 85 degree angle."

When asked how he had derived his economic formula, Biden told the group he did it "the usual way - slide rule and compass using pi." He then concluded by burping the alphabet and spelling "Mississippi" forward and backward, much to the delight of the audience.

My comments: I guess I'm forced to take back everything I've said about Joe being a pinhead. Let's have some margaritas while we ponder how many hours/days/months he spent perfecting that "Mississippi" thing.

Reid: "Kennedy Was A-Hole"

WASHINGTON (SR) - In an interview with the Reno Gazette-Journal, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid weighed-in on the the passing of Senator Edward Kennedy:

RG-J: How will Sen. Kennedy's death effect things?

Sen. Reid: I think it's going to help us. He hasn't been around for some time so it's not like he's really missed. Also, when he was around he acted like a big shot, which I couldn't stand.

RG-J: Are you in favor of naming the health care reform legislation after Sen. Kennedy?

Sen. Reid: He crop-dusted me in the Senate hallway a few years ago and thought it was real funny. I ended up having to burn the suit I was wearing. 

RG-J: Who do you think will take over as head of the Health Committee?

Sen. Reid: It was a new suit; there was nothing funny about it. A**hole.

RG-J: Thank you Senator Reid.

My comments: Wow, I'm starting to think that Ted was maybe cooler than I thought! Margarita anyone?

Flames 'N Flu

Hello readers. I'm in Vegas for a couple days covering a big story, so here's an abbreviated report on the fly:

• Wildfire Advancing On Los Angeles!

This is serious! Do you have any idea what's at stake if this fire continues out of control? Do you have even the slightest idea of the potential loss to our country, to our culture, to our way of life if firefighters don't get a handle on this thing? I don't know about you, but I don't even want to live in a world without Disneyland, so somebody better do something pretty damned quick!

• Schools Ban Touching In Swine Flu Fight

Holy Cow, I've had Swine Flu all these years? It all makes sense now, but why didn't my girlfriends just tell me? The good news is now that I know why I haven't been receiving "good touch," all I have to do is somehow get well :)

OK, who do you have to lick to get a margarita around here?

 

"Oh, for the love of God, NOOOOOOooooo!!!!!!"