Scooter's Report

Happy Birthday to the King of Kings

For unto you is born this day in the city 
of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

Luke 2:11

Cuba Calls Obama Lying Crackhead

HAVANA (SR) - Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez called President Barack Obama an "imperial and arrogant" liar Monday for his conduct at the U.N. climate conference, despite the U.S. president's appeasement and coddling of the communist leadership since taking office.

At the lengthy news conference, Rodriguez described Obama's behavior at Copenhagen: "At the summit, there was only imperial, arrogant Obama, skinny little community-organizing crackhead turned king of the universe. I've crapped figures more impressive."

Rodriguez's comments echoed remarks by former President Fidel Castro, who in a weekend opinion column called Obama's speech in Copenhagen "the verbal equivalent of smacking one's balls with a sack of pennies." Up to this point Castro had been unusually supportive of the U.S. president, adding weight to persistent rumors that Barack Obama is, in fact, his child. These latest comments may dispel those rumors.

An Obama spokesperson called the Cuban leader's remarks "understandable in light of the horrific wrongs the United States has inflicted on that noble country."

My comments: Well, that's some gratitude - especially after all of Barry's butt-kissing and willingness to once again allow tourism to that festering, stinky little mosquito farm they call a country. Ingrates.

 

Fidel Castro with baby Soetoro (Obama)?

Senators Make Out Like Bandits

WASHINGTON (SR) - The details of what it took to buy critical votes from holdout Democrat Senators are being reported today, and illustrate what goes on behind closed doors on Capitol Hill.

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb) had been critical of language in the proposed legislation that would provide abortion benefits, but voted for the bill in return for obtaining $45 million and no-cost disposal of aborted fetuses for his state.

Sen. Christopher Dodd  (D-Conn) traded his vote for the construction of a new hospital in Connecticut, and renovation of his Washington townhouse to include a stripper pole and wet bar.

Other gifts reportedly traded for votes include a set of new snow tires, a diamond-encrusted pimp cup, "jelly of the month" memberships, a custom golf cart, several dozen bongs, a pool table, and numerous "dates."

A Senate spokesperson denied anything unusual took place in the last minute maneuvering.

My comments: Man, I wish I was a politician; this would be the best Christmas ever!

 

Sen. Ben Nelson, no-cost aborted fetus disposal

Harry Reid: I'm Santa This Year

WASHINGTON (SR) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is vowing to "deliver the goods" in passing the Senate health care reform legislation on Christmas Eve.

"This Christmas I'm Santa Claus, and me and my elves are bringing every person in America the biggest, most expensive present they've ever received," said Reid in an interview yesterday. "It's so huge it may not even fit down the chimney, hahaha."

Senate leaders have been working round the clock to finalize their 10-year, trillion dollar bill in time for the final vote on Christmas Eve, despite the fact that the majority of Americans adamantly do not want it.

One unnamed Republican senator bristled at Reid's comparing himself to Santa, saying, "Since when did Santa turn into a Godless, dried-up, bony old baby-killing socialist? The Antichrist maybe, but he's definitely not Santa."

"You can put a pretty bow on a pile of sh*t, but that doesn't make it a present anyone would want," said another Senate member. "I'll tell you one thing, when that little gift from Hell flies down the chimney and hits the fire, the stench will be so bad voters will still be smelling it next election."

My comments: Damn, I was hoping for an I-Pod!

 

Harry Reid prepares his gift to America

Obama: It's Either Health Care Or Bankruptcy

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama told ABC News’ Charles Gibson in an interview that if Congress does not borrow a trillion dollars and institute the Democrat's health care plan, the federal government “will go bankrupt.”

Here is a partial transcript of the interview:

______________________________________________

Gibson: So Mr. President, you say that without health care reform the federal government will go bankrupt, but the health care plan will reportedly cost a minimum of a trillion dollars that the government does not have. If our government is already broke, how do you keep it solvent by borrowing a trillion more?

President: Look Charlie, let me make this as simple as possible. If you are, say, out of work, have no money, owe thousands to creditors, and they're going to take your home, what would you do? Of course you would borrow thousands more to save your home and stave off your creditors. The government works the same way.

Gibson: But if I were broke and in debt, who would loan me thousands more?

President: Well, essentially the taxpayers.

Gibson: The government would loan me tax money?

President: If you were the federal government, yes.

Gibson: So if I were the government, I would loan myself tax money?

President: You would borrow the money against future taxes.

Gibson: So if I were the government and was broke, I would borrow money to give to myself to keep from going broke, and make future taxpayers pay it back?

President: Ha ha ha, now you're trying to make it too complicated. You would just obtain money to save yourself from going broke.

Gibson: Borrow the money.

President: Well, what's important is not how you get it, it's what you do with it once you have it.

Gibson: So you, meaning the government, would basically bankrupt the country further to create this health care plan in order to save the government from bankruptcy.

President: That's right.

Gibson: Sounds good to me!

________________________________________________

My comments: I wish I hadn't drawn all those pictures during math class so I could understand this. Maybe I'll just have a margarita and assume Barry paid attention.

 

Reporting From Copenhagen Part 2

COPENHAGEN (SR) - I flew back to Copenhagen to see how the climate change talks were going and to hopefully ask the high priest of this new religion, Al Gore, a few probing questions.

I can report that the talks are progressing about as fast as one would expect from a bunch of international politicians holed up in five star hotels and subsisting on copious quantities of champagne, caviar, hookers, and retarded fantasy - they're not.

Outside, there are thousands of scruffy-looking Euro-trash hippie-types attempting to burn down the city, supposedly as a way of showing how bad they want global warming stopped, but in reality they're just trying not to freeze to death, as it is freaking cold beyond belief (I don't know why they don't just move the polar bears here; they would no doubt multiply like bunnies).

Anyway, the delegation from Uzbekistan and myself got faced on margaritas last night and took turns peeing from my balcony onto the protesters below just for fun. The flying pee streams turned solid in midair and stabbed the holy crap out of several hippies, making them scream in French (or maybe Italian), which was hilarious. The incredible amount of blood did little to dampen our spirits, although ultimately the hotel security staff did.

This morning I unexpectedly got some one-on-one time with The Goracle in the men's room. Unfortunately I had no more positioned myself outside his stall and asked the first question ("What''s Tipper really like?") when the immediate ecosystem suddenly degenerated into a choking toxic overheated hell that immediately had me painting the room with the vibrant colors of breakfast, and gasping for good air as I dove for the door.

Laying in the hallway, I could almost hear the muted scream of a polar bear somewhere, as the remaining ice dissolved under his feet. Damn you Al Gore. Damn you.

 

Al Gore melts the polar ice cap

1 In 3 Democrats Communicate With Dead!

SCOOTER'S REPORT - A new study reveals that Democrats indulge in the occult far more than normal people who follow God.

According to the study, Democrats consult more fortune-tellers, see more ghosts, and believe in astrology and reincarnation much more than Republicans. The study found that Democrats are also more likely to:

• Worship Satan
• Sacrifice small animals
• Find Bill Maher entertaining
• Worship Gaia
• Elect Barney Frank
• Have sweaty sex with others of their own gender
• Worship Molech
• Sacrifice their unborn babies
• Worship Baal
• Support the ACLU
• Believe man changes the world's climate
• Worship "Mother Earth"
• Watch MSNBC
• Believe Barack Obama is a real Christian

One of the most shocking facts uncovered by the study was that at least one in three Democrats claim to communicate with the dead, with that figure rising to almost 100% in the Washington DC and San Francisco areas (below).

My comments: Wow, this story gives me the heebie-jeebies, thank God Almighty I'm not a Democrat! I'm going to celebrate that fact with a delicious margarita....

 

Artist's rendering of undead apparition

Polls: Americans Prefer Anal Warts to Obama

WASHINGTON (SR) - The latest presidential tracking poll shows that 76% of the nation's voters disapprove of the way Barack Obama is performing his role as President, and that only 24% approve. Coincidentally, 24% is also the percentage of registered voters classified as mentally retarded and/or substance abusers.

In the latest national survey poll, over 75% of registered voters said that given a choice, they would rather be governed by giant murderous robots equipped with death rays than Obama and the Democratic majorities in the House and Senate. Just under 53% said they would "much prefer" being afflicted with a severe case of anal warts to listening to Obama speak without a teleprompter, and 41% said they would rather have their eyeballs removed with hot spoons than see the First Lady, Nancy Pelosi, or Barney Frank naked.

On a positive note for the administration, the number of Americans wanting to watch Obama and his fellow Democrats have their genitals gnawed off by rabid weasels declined last week by .02%.

My comments: It's obvious the American public loves Barry and his fellow Democratic pinheads far more than I do. Whatever.

President Obama polling chart

EXCLUSIVE! New Tiger Woods Girlfriend?

(SCOOTERS REPORT) - In a shocking turn of events, while researching my in-depth expose' of golfer Tiger Wood's alleged adulterous affairs, I uncovered evidence that led not only to maybe the thirteenth woman tied to the sports star, but someone I am personally intimately connected to - my longtime girlfriend, Sissy Lee Rounds(!)

When confronted with my suspicions, Sissy at first denied even knowing Woods, but after exhaustive questioning utilizing duct tape and a deep fried Twinkie, she finally broke down and confessed to (caution: sex talk ahead) "playing" with his "club and balls" on more than one occasion, and on more than one golf course (in broad daylight no less, the filthy slut).

To say I am crushed would be an understatement. My pillow is soaked with tears and I've lost almost a pound just since Tuesday, but my pain is nothing compared to the emotional and psychological trauma suffered by Sissy, once so innocent but now scarred with a crippling shame and regret she must bare the rest of her life.

Obviously nothing in the world could undo the damage Tiger's done to Sissy, but we figure $10.5 million could at least provide the counseling required for her to be able to possibly live a normal life once again. If you are reading this and are a famous attorney who has been looking for a case to do for free (I believe "pro-boner" is the legal term), we would like to talk to you.

My Sissy: Tiger girlfriend #13?

Obama to GOP: "Stop Frightening Americans With Facts"

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama told House Republicans to "stop trying to frighten the American people with facts that do nothing to comfort them."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) told reporters that Obama made the admonition during a bipartisan meeting at the White House on Wednesday, and produced a chart to show Republicans that "things are a lot better." Reportedly the pie chart simply showed an 85 percent area denoted "a lot better," and the remaining 15 percent area marked "a little better."

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) responded to Obama's request by calling Obama "Karl Marx on crack," and his policies "economic anal rape." However in an apparent spirit of reconciliation, Boehner joined other Republicans in offering their congratulations on a job well done "to the Special Olympics standout that made that chart."

My comments: I have to say, until I saw the statistical proof on that chart, I wasn't so sure this stimulus thing was working. Let's celebrate our economic prosperity with a delicious margarita!

Boxer Equates Boners To Baby Killing

WASHINGTON (SR) - Sen. Barbara Boxer took the Senate floor Tuesday to equate the act of dismembering and suctioning the body of an infant from its mother's womb to a male erectile dysfunction medication, much to the horror of every human on earth smarter than a dog toy.

"Why are women being singled out here? It's so unfair," asked Boxer on the Senate floor. "We don't tell men that if they want to ... buy insurance coverage through their pharmaceutical plan for Viagra that they can't do it. Killing a baby is the same as getting a boner, only with lots more blood."

The third-term Democrat has made abortion the central issue of her political career and reportedly her religious faith also, as the worship of the god Molech also demands the sacrifice of babies and young children.

The Senate debate over an abortion provision in the health care bill is expected to continue, with Boxer leading the fight.

My comments: While I understand that Barbara Boxer is essentially little more than a Godless moral void driven by the intelligence of a toaster oven, comparing an object (like a pill) to an act (like dismembering a human being) is absolutely insane.

No amount of margaritas can make me OK with this woman's existence.

 

Reid Compares Health Care Opponents To Nazis And Worse

WASHINGTON (SR) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid blasted opponents of health care reform Monday, comparing them to Nazis, Ku Klux Klan members, evil space aliens, pedophiles, animal abusers, and litterers.

"Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is, 'slow down, stop everything, let's gas some Jews and hang some Negroes, or maybe abuse some children then abduct and mutilate a herd of cows, leaving pieces of them all over the countryside,'" Reid said on the Senate floor.

Senate Republicans on Monday called Reid's comments "incredibly retarded, even for him," and "the intellectual equivalent of an autistic drunk belching the alphabet."

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., was especially critical of Reid, calling him "the strongest argument yet for sterilizing the stupid."

My comments: While it's painfully obvious somebody peed in Harry's gene pool, I'm more concerned by the fact there are beings among us who actually voted this mouth-breather into office. Margarita time for sure.

Reporting From Copenhagen

COPENHAGEN (SR) - Since arriving in this beautiful city I have been struck by the sense of urgency that permeates this historic gathering of nations racing to save our world.

Everywhere you look there are giant posters showing the affects of global warming - a polar bear floating around on a tiny iceberg that was once possibly the arctic ice cap, little starving children with gigantic eyes (starving no doubt from a lack of polar bear meat, as opposed to whatever they were starving from before climate change), and of course dramatic renderings of Los Angeles and San Francisco underwater (at this point I decided to trade my crap-box Prius rental car for a V-12 Lamborghini Murciélago).

The opening ceremonies began with a short, somber film featuring children of the future facing an apocalypse of tempests and desert landscapes if world leaders failed to act today (or at least sometime this week). I could tell these children weren't really from the future because they weren't wearing aluminum clothes or futuristic makeup, so I personally wasn't that affected by the film. Also the acting was poor, the car chases unrealistic, and the sex scenes a little gratuitous in my opinion.

The film closed with a little girl staring sadly into the camera saying, "Please help save the world." Unfortunately I was asked to leave at this point, possibly because of my laughing or maybe because I accidentally spilled my margarita on the woman next to me. Whatever the reason, it was fine with me as the caviar they were serving had given everybody gas, transforming the room's climate into one unable to support life and the moronic fictional fantasy film we had just watched into a prophetic masterwork.

I spent the rest of the afternoon killing polar bears in my Lambo, cruising the red light district in search of warming.

 

Global Warming To Flood San Francisco

SAN FRANCISCO (SR) - California Governor Arnold Schwarzenagger unveiled a map Thursday illustrating how his state would be affected by climate change in the future.

The map, demonstrating the devastating effects of global warming in just a century, shows how San Francisco Airport would be completely underwater if all the world's ice melted and it rained nonstop for 12 years, raising the sea level by 60 inches.

"De aroplens wud not be able to tak off," a somber Schwarzenegger told reporters. "Dey wud flot away wid de people and zink."

Later the governor appeared downtown at a news conference to announce a 2.2% city sales tax increase to fund no-cost swim classes for gay residents, saying the gay community's traditional aversion to swimming must be addressed now if San Francisco is to remain "vibrant."

In addition to the swim classes, the tax increase will also fund the purchase of 200 seaplanes, 4.5 million foam noodle water toys, and 85 million tons of shark repellent.

My Comments: I don't see what the big deal is; why not just make everybody shorter than 5' live away from the coast? (I figured this out and didn't even go to college!)

Let's have a few margaritas then go shopping for a bigger SUV!

 

Obama Reassures Base

WASHINGTON (SR) - Just a day after committing an additional 30,000 troops to the war in Afghanistan, President Obama is moving to quell the resulting outrage from the anti-war left that helped put him into office.

"Look, I'm only sending 75% of the number of troops it'd take to actually win, and I told our enemies when we're leaving," Obama told reporters this morning, "This is hardly supporting a war."

From the Daily Kos to NBC, many left wing pundits claim Obama has gone back on his campaign promises to lose the war, and MSNBC's Chris Matthews even faulted the President for giving the address at what he called "the enemy camp," referring to West Point. Matthews later backtracked on the controversial comment, saying he misspoke and meant to call the famous institution "the enemy academy."

My comments: That's great; it only took Barry twelve months to go from messiah to universally despised douche - a new record! Let's toast his success with a delicious margarita!

Taliban Announces Vacation Plans

SOUTH WAZIRISTAN, Pakistan (SR) - The leader of the pro-Taliban forces fighting in Afghanistan and Pakistan, Sirajuddin Haqqani, posted a recorded statement on an enemy jihadist website this morning saying that his forces have decided to "take some time off."

"We've been spending a lot of time in that dirty dung heap next door (Afghanistan), and my guys want to go home and get some things done - maybe take their families on a nice vacation," Haqqani said. "We'll be back in Afghanistan sometime probably around 2013."

A number of Republicans in Washington are pointing to Haqqani's statement as proof that President Obama's announcement last night that all U.S. forces will be withdrawn from Afghanistan by 2013 was, as one called it, an "unbelievably stupid and naive strategic blunder."

A White House spokesperson today called the enemy's vacation timetable "an obvious coincidence."

My comments: Wow, with that kind of advanced military strategic thinking, it's hard to believe Barry was a community organizer just a few years ago! It'll be interesting to see how this "send more troops but tell your enemy when they're leaving" strategy works out!

 

 

Sirajuddin Haqqani announces vacation plans

Dems Unhappy With Troop Increase

WASHINGTON (SR) - Many prominent Democrats are already expressing unhappiness with President Obama's announcement tonight to commit an expected 30,000 additional troops to the Afghanistan war.

Speaking on behalf of many in his party, Rep. David Obey (D-Wisconsin) called the move a "fool's errand," essentially saying the money could better be spent aborting babies in the proposed government health care plan than trying to cut causalities in a far-off war so unpopular with Democrats and Islamic jihadists.

"If we're being told we have to pay for healthcare we certainly pay for this effort as well," Obey said. He has introduced a bill to raise taxes on Americans making $150K and more to pay for the troop increase, and as a way to punish those having more money than average Democrat voters.

President Obama will address the nation tonight to formerly announce the troop increase.

My comments: Has a Democrat ever seen a war they didn't want to lose, or an individual (besides themselves) they didn't want poorer?

Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we ponder how good it would feel to slap the unholy snot out of this Obey douche!

Rep. David Obey