(SCOOTERS REPORT) - In a shocking turn of events, while researching my in-depth expose' of golfer Tiger Wood's alleged adulterous affairs, I uncovered evidence that led not only to maybe the thirteenth woman tied to the sports star, but someone I am personally intimately connected to - my longtime girlfriend, Sissy Lee Rounds(!)
When confronted with my suspicions, Sissy at first denied even knowing Woods, but after exhaustive questioning utilizing duct tape and a deep fried Twinkie, she finally broke down and confessed to (caution: sex talk ahead) "playing" with his "club and balls" on more than one occasion, and on more than one golf course (in broad daylight no less, the filthy slut).
To say I am crushed would be an understatement. My pillow is soaked with tears and I've lost almost a pound just since Tuesday, but my pain is nothing compared to the emotional and psychological trauma suffered by Sissy, once so innocent but now scarred with a crippling shame and regret she must bare the rest of her life.
Obviously nothing in the world could undo the damage Tiger's done to Sissy, but we figure $10.5 million could at least provide the counseling required for her to be able to possibly live a normal life once again. If you are reading this and are a famous attorney who has been looking for a case to do for free (I believe "pro-boner" is the legal term), we would like to talk to you.