Scooter's Report

Entertainers Speak Out Against Arizona Law

PHOENIX (SR) - The backlash against a new Arizona law making illegal immigration illegal reached a critical level this week because of the forceful actions by two of the world's most influential celebrities.

"Mexican-Americans, or at least illegal Mexicans pretending to be Americans, are not going to take this lying down," Linda Ronstadt, singer-turned Jabba the Hutt impersonator/human parade float said at a news conference for a planned lawsuit against the law outlawing being illegal. "Unless, of course, it is siesta time," she added.

As if Ronstadt's blistering attack were not enough, Columbia singer/slutress Shakira visited Phoenix to meet with the city's police chief and mayor amid her concerns that her Arizona fan base would be deported if forced to prove citizenship.

"It goes against human dignity," the entertainer said before demonstrating her trademark "booty shake" and simulated sexual intercourse "hot humping" dance moves for the delighted officials.

More Hispanic entertainers are expected to come forth as their publicists learn of the new Arizona law.

My comments: How much pressure can Arizona take?  If Charo speaks out, this thing is over! Let's enjoy a margarita while we watch Shakira music videos -  I want to see her demonstrate some more of that human dignity, this time in slow-mo!

 

Ronstadt, Shakira

Nancy Pelosi Cloned?

WASHINGTON (SR) - Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano has ordered an investigation into the shocking possibility that a foreign power has cloned some high profile U.S. politicians, and even the First Lady.

The investigation was spurred by the new May/June edition of Capitol File magazine that features Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi on the cover, minus the real Pelosi's botoxed catcher's mitt complexion and sunken dead eyes.

"That's obviously not Madame Speaker," said a Homeland Security spokesperson, "The woman pictured doesn't look at all like a cadaver, appears somewhat intelligent, and probably doesn't smell like rotting cabbage."

The spokesperson said experts noted a pattern following another magazine's cover purporting to show First Lady Michelle Obama, but in reality picturing a mildly attractive human female.

My comments: Holy doppelganger, you'd think anyone going to this much trouble would try to make the impostor appear at least somewhat similar to the real person! Only the North Koreans could screw this up so badly, let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we laugh at their incompetence.

Magazine cover impostors, real Pelosi, Obama

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Hello peeps. Because of an unusually large number of Hispanic individuals congregating outside our offices, I have decided to go to Disneyland for a while.

Please talk amongst yourselves until I return. Be nice.

 

Mexicans outside our offices - what do they want?

Obama Slams Law Outlawing Illegality

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama on Thursday strongly criticized a pending Arizona law that would make it a crime to be in the United States illegally, calling it "misguided."

Obama warned that the law would "threaten to undermine the basic notions of fairness that we cherish as Americans, especially if 'notions of fairness' was another way of saying 'criminal activity' and 'Americans' referred to 'illegal aliens.'"

Gov. Jan Brewer has until Saturday to sign the measure into law. Civil rights activists have said the bill would "discriminate against innocent lawbreakers while unfairly depleting likely future Democrat voters."

Hundreds of Hispanics descended on the State Capitol complex in Phoenix Thursday to protest. There has been no estimate yet on the cost to remove graffiti or replace city vehicles stolen during the protest.

My comments: Am I the only one wondering where all these protesters who don't speak English come from on a work day? The good news is out of compassion I hired one to make me some delicious margaritas and wax my car!

PS: Can anyone here loan me a dollar?

Illegal Immigrants in Phoenix protest law outlawing immigrants being illegal

FLASH! THIS JUST IN:

PHOENIX (SR) - Arizona Governor Jan Brewer today made official a law making being illegal now illegal in Arizona.

Hispanic leaders in Phoenix have called on their followers to "vigorously" protest the law's passing, but recommended they do so from New Mexico or California.

More on this as it develops!

Mexico Slams Arizona Law

MEXICO CITY (SR) - The Mexican government Wednesday criticized a new Arizona immigration law just approved by Arizona legislators, saying it could result in rights violations and affect cross-border relations.

Mexico views with concern "the possible negative effects the measure could have, if approved, on the development of culture, commerce, and tourism that have characterized Mexico's relations with Arizona for generations," according to the statement.

An unidentified Arizona lawmaker addressed those concerns, saying, "If by 'culture' they mean spray paint tagging, booming car stereos blaring retarded accordion music, and drive-bys, we can live without it. If by 'commerce' they mean selling pot and wiring the profits back to Mexico, we can get by without that too. As for 'tourism,' if we want to go someplace to see a zillion Mexicans before getting robbed and shot, we'll go to L.A."

The law has been approved by the Arizona legislators and is awaiting consideration by Gov. Jan Brewer. The measures makes it a state crime for migrants to be in Arizona without documents and a hedge trimmer.

My comments: I'm somewhat conflicted by this law, as I have interacted with many illegals over the years, and found them to be really nice people, and second-to-none when it comes to shrub sculpting and margarita making - two things that are very important to me.

My friend Pepe and his friends I picked up in the desert years ago

Obama Administration: No Military Option Against Iran

WASHINGTON (SR) -  The Obama administration publicly declared today that the US has "ruled out a military strike against Iran's nuclear program any time soon." This is the first time a senior official has publicly admitted what Iran already knew, and the rest of the world suspected.

Deputy defense secretary Michele Flournoy said Wednesday that "based on its track record, we're confident the United Nations will prevent the Middle East nation from developing nuclear weapons. Somewhat confident. Hopeful."

When asked by reporters what action the White House is planning should Iran ignore the U.N., Flournoy replied, "We will not hesitate to condemn Iran in the strongest possible terms should they follow through with their plan to blast the Jews back to Hell. We'll be firm, but fair."

My comments: No doubt this strategic move will finally force Iran to abandon their nuclear program. Let's join our Israeli friends in a margarita toast to Barry's diplomatic savvy, and the increased security it brings!

Deputy Defense Secretary Michele Flournoy (left, file photo)

Gays All Over Obama

LOS ANGELES (SR) - Gay rights protesters interrupted President Barack Obama's speech at a fundraiser for California Sen. Barbara Boxer (D) Monday night in Los Angeles.

Obama became obviously agitated at the numerous interruptions, at one point glaring at the crowd, then turning and conferring with Boxer. When he returned to the podium, he attempted to bond with the protesters, with little success.

"Look, you guys are yelling at the wrong people," said Obama, Barbara here is a carpet muncher from way back, and you've all seen Michelle - it goes without saying I know what it's like to be intimate with a man. I get it."

When the President's remarks failed to stem the outbursts, security officers finally removed Rep. Barney Frank and his boyfriend, allowing Obama to finish his speech.

My comments: This is why I don't give speeches anymore.

 

President Obama attempts to bond with gay protesters, Rep. Barney Frank

Sorry Jews, Obama Courting Muslims

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama is making good on his promise last year to create a new relationship with the Islamic world, by reaching out to this politically isolated constituency in a sustained and widening effort.

Besides appointing White House lawyer Rashad Hussain as special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, Obama has included Muslim and Arab-American advocates in foreign policy decisions regarding Israel, as well as provided briefings to them from top White House aides on everything from American crimes toward Islam, to the most effective ways to mount terrorist attacks within our country.

"For too long we have callously ignored the feelings of hundreds of millions who wish us dead, for the sake of a few million squatters who do nothing but cost us money and make us look bad," said an Obama aide, describing the administration's new strategy. "We want to be liked by the largest number of people possible - unfortunately for the Jews that would be the Muslims."

My comments: I suppose this is the price Israelis pay for not breeding like rabbits. Sorry!

Rashad Hussain

Lesbian Supreme Court Justice?

WASHINGTON (SR) - The White House expressed its outrage Thursday over a column posted on a CBS News site that predicted Solicitor General Elena Kagan, the leading candidate for the Supreme Court, may become the first "openly gay justice."

An administration official, who asked not to be identified, said Kagan is not a lesbian, but rather a "horny guy trapped in a dyke's body."

Office of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano publicly addressed the issue early Friday on behalf of the Obama administration, saying in a statement defending Kagan: "Labeling a woman as gay just because she prefers to look or act like a  male, and chooses to live and be intimate with another woman, is simply jumping to an unfounded conclusion."

My comments: Look, being a lesbian trapped in a man's body, I think I know how Kagan feels. I've personally found that hot chicks and cold margaritas help me cope with this debilitating problem, maybe it would work for her, too.

 

Trapped? Elena Kagan                Defender Janet Napolitano

Democrats Infiltrate Tea Party Protests

BOSTON (SR) - In an effort to portray conservative tea party protesters as hateful racists, Democrat organizers deployed dozens of individuals to infiltrate tea party protests across the country today.

The people charged with disrupting the events were told to blend in with the crowds by looking as much like regular citizens as possible, but unfortunately most were quickly identified and kept isolated from the normal people.

"You could spot them a mile off," said one conservative protester, "Your average working, church-going American usually isn't a scrawny, pale guy or gal wearing Birkenstocks and reeking of pot, or making out with his/her/its same-sex partner."

While there were no police reports of violence, several infiltrators said tea party protesters damaged or destroyed their bongs, and others claimed emotional trauma from looking at so many U.S. flags.

My comments: It's impossible for these Godless commie mutants to imitate normal people, they need to stay in their bath houses and college campuses, and leave reality to those of us who understand it.

 

Liberal infiltrators stand out at tea party protest

Exposed: President's Secret Trip

WASHINGTON (SR) - Last Saturday morning President Barack Obama quietly left the White House without the press, a breach of protocol that infuriated the media and raised questions as to where he went.

Members of the White House press corps were told he was attending one of his daughter's soccer games in northwest Washington, D.C., but there was no soccer game at that time in the dangerous, rundown neighborhood, and nobody in the area reported seeing the president, his limousine, or the legion of Secret Service agents that would have been with him. Clearly the President lied.

We can report that we now know where the President went, thanks to an exhaustive investigation and video we've obtained from a security camera located in a neighborhood over a mile away from the soccer field in question.

Questions remain as to the nature of the secret trip, and why the President would leave not only the press, but apparently his security detail as well, especially when venturing into such a dangerous area. More on this as our investigation continues.

My comments: I'm guessing he just needed some fresh air. When I get like that I have another margarita. Join me?

President Obama leaves White House without security detail or press - why?

Pajama Party Photo Op

WASHINGTON (SR) - At what many are calling the "pajama party at Barry's house," 46 world leaders spent the day endlessly having their photos taken with President Obama at the White House.

The purpose of the event is to showcase the respect and admiration other leaders have for Obama in order to elevate his stature from that of an ignorant community organizer recklessly destroying his nation to that of "preeminent world leader, forging a new tomorrow."

So far the meeting has been a mixed success, with some world leaders displaying the hoped-for subservience to the new President, while others, such as Chinese President Hu Jintao and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, refused to play along.

"I cannot jeopardize the security and safety of my country on the advice of someone who ruined his own in just one year," Sarkozy told CBS News late Monday, essentially echoing an earlier statement by the Chinese president who referred to Obama as a "capitalist pinhead."

My comments: No doubt this shindig isn't going to actually accomplish anything meaningful, but the photos of Barry hanging out with all these real leaders do make him look important, so well done.

 

An aloof Chinese President Hu Jintao ignores President Obama

Missing Link Found?

Johannesburg - (SR) International scientists have announced that two skeletons discovered in a cave in Africa might prove to be the elusive missing link to human lineage.

Scientists don't know how the female and young male died, but it's possible they fell into the cave because they were "basically stupid."

The hominids feature human-like faces but much smaller brains, prompting researchers to dub the new species Liberalpinheadis. Many in the scientific community are calling the discovery the most important in the last century.

A computer simulation using the female skull (below) gives insight into what this possible human ancestor looked like, almost two million years ago.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, that thing looks dumb and dangerous - thank God it fell into that cave!

Netanyahu Cancels Summit Trip Amid Ambush Fears

JERUSALEM (SR) - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled a planned trip to Washington next week for President Barack Obama's nuclear security summit conference.

He made the decision after learning of another country's plan to ambush him over Israel's presumed possession of nuclear weapons, a senior government official said on Friday. Israel is believed to be the only nuclear-armed power in the Middle East but has never confirmed or denied that it has atomic weapons. It has not signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, or NPT.

"The prime minister has decided to cancel his trip to Washington to attend the nuclear conference next week after learning of a hostile plan to publicly berate Israel and say we must sign the NPT," the official said. "Frankly, after the way the Prime Minister was treated last month, we're in no mood for more abuse from Obama - he can ambush somebody else."

My comments: The fact Obama was intending to abuse Netanyahu again isn't any big surprise, based on recent history. Good for Bibi for not giving Barry another chance to hate on our (former) allies!

 

Last meeting: Veteran statesman Obama lectures Netanyahu

Half Of Americans Don't Pay Taxes

WASHINGTON (SR) - Approximately 47 percent of Americans will pay no federal income tax at all for 2009, and 40 percent will actually profit from the current tax structure according to projections by the Tax Policy Center, a Washington research organization.

Last year, Obama signed the economic recovery law that expanded some tax credits and created a multitude of others. Almost all targeted low and middle-income families, commonly referred to as "Democrats."

While President Obama created tax cuts for low and middle-income families, he instituted tax increases for the wealthy, commonly referred to as "Republicans,"  arguing that wealthier taxpayers did well by working in the past decade, so it's only fair to give some of that money to those that didn't, also know as "Democrats."

In 2007 38 percent of Americans paid no federal income tax.

My comments: Hmmm, why do I have a feeling this 47 percent is the same 47 percent that feels Barry is doing a good job? I suppose it's comforting to know my hard-earned taxes are giving others the opportunity to hang out on the couch with a 40 ouncer all day, watching Oprah. Not.

Obama: Don't Call Islamic Terrorism Islamic

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama is having his advisers remove all references to Islam when referring to Muslim radicals waging war in the name of Islam. The move is part of Obama's strategy to gain favor with terrorists, with the hope they will give up their 1500 year religious edict to convert or kill all infidels.

While the document outlining the reclassification is still being written, the alternative to "Islamic terrorist" is reported to be "Friends who disagree."

Rewriting the strategy document as well as dismantling our nuclear weapons and specifying the degree of mass destruction we will accept before possibly using them is the latest example of Obama putting his brief community organizing experience to work shaping the foreign policy of the most powerful nation on earth.

My comments: Pretending these Godless carpet-kissers aren't killing in the name of their antichrist religion (which we can't mention) is strategic genius on a scale mere mortals cannot comprehend. I'll pour, mortals.

 

Not Islamic terrorists

Obama Limits Nuclear Arms Use

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama said Monday he is altering American nuclear strategy to clearly define conditions under which the United States would use nuclear weapons. This breaking with a longstanding policy of reserving the right to use overwhelming destructive force against any country that attacks us.

Mr. Obama described the new policy as part of his effort to make nuclear weapons obsolete, at least in America, with the hope it will move other countries to abandon theirs. To set an example, the new strategy will stop the development of any new nuclear weapons while calling for the "callous abuse and neglect" of existing ones.

The new strategy specifies to what extent other countries may attack the United States with the assurance of no nuclear retaliation. Included in the list of acceptable attacks with no nuclear response are:

• The partial or total destruction of the South and/or Midwestern U.S.
• Chemical and/or biological attacks in general
• Limited nuclear attacks that destroy less than 82% of the total population
• Mass cyber attacks as long as they don't destroy access to 70% (or more) of gay porn. pro-abortion, and anti-Christian sites

In addition, the new strategy stipulates "no retaliation of any type" for any attack against the state of Texas.

"My goal is to take away that fear of uncertainty that for years has hampered many countries from pursuing their legitimate right to strategic planning," Obama told reporters.

My comments: Well I don't know about you, but I feel safer already! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita before we get back to digging that bomb shelter, shall we?

 

Two world leaders respond to new U.S. strategy

Next: Law Requiring Gay Hires

WASHINGTON (SR) - After proving they can pass legislation with absolutely no bipartisan support, emboldened House Democrats are resurrecting a bill sponsored by Rep. Barney Frank (Pervert - Mass.) that would make employers susceptible to lawsuits for refusing to hire "gay" or transsexual employees.

The Deviant Employee Hiring Act, or DEHA, makes it unlawful for businesses with 15 or more employees to refuse hire or promotion of anyone based on "gender-related identity, appearance or mannerisms or other gender-related characteristics of an individual, with or without regard to the individual's designated sex at birth."

One prominent Republican House member stated the obvious to this reporter: "Barney Frank knows he doesn't have a prayer getting re-elected - it's the only hope this Godless rump-riding pervert has of scoring a real job."

My comments: Unfortunately I have to announce that due to the economy, I'm reducing my workforce from 15 to 14 employees. We'll miss you Mom!

Rep. Barney Frank

Empty...

...thank God.
Happy Resurrection Sunday.

Obama: Quit Criticizing Me

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama said in an interview with CBS News that people are unfairly lashing out at him, and called on his critics to "turn down the rhetoric."

"Look, the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks can call me a socialist all they want, but nationalizing America's banks, industries, and the entire healthcare system doesn't make me any more a socialist than you asking me questions makes you an interviewer," Obama told CBS's Harry Smith.

In the interview President Obama also expressed frustration with the level of criticism being levied at his administration: "See, I think the average American on welfare knows that I'm doing a good job, and if business owners and working people would look past their own self interests, they'd think the same."

My comments: I'm sorry, but every time Barry opens his pie hole I dislike him even more, if that were possible. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita and look forward to celebrating someone slightly more worthy this weekend!

Clinton Pushes Canada To Kill Babies

ONTARIO (SR) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton weighed in Tuesday on the debate over the Canadian government's G8 maternal and child health initiative, strongly insisting that abortion is necessary for "maternal health."

"You cannot have maternal health without reproductive health, and reproductive health includes dismembering babies with forceps and sucking their little bodies from the mother's womb," she told reporters when asked about Canada's initiative.

Reacting to Clinton's comments, Mary Ellen Douglas, national organizer for Campaign Life Coalition, said, “How dare this Godless shrew promote the murder of babies in our country. If she's really that concerned about preventing unwanted births around the world, I suggest she lop off Bill's d*ck."

My comments: Man, liberals just can't get enough of killing babies, and it drives them absolutely crazy when others won't do it too. Let's lift our margaritas in a toast to every person who stands in opposition to these Godless liberal bastages!