Scooter's Report

Obama: I've Been Fighting Oil Spill Since Day One

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama held a White House news briefing Thursday to address the growing wave of criticism concerning his poor handling of the BP oil spill.

In the briefing, the President repeatedly insisted he had been personally involved in heading efforts to contain the spill, "from day one."

"Since the moment I was told about the spill, no matter where I was or what I was doing, I've been thinking about ways to stop it," the President told reporters. "Then while playing golf the other day it suddenly came to me - "just plug the damn hole," and so far my strategy appears to be working. Too bad I didn't think of it four weeks ago, though."

President Obama sought to assure Gulf residents of the government's ability to handle the crisis, saying, "If we can successfully run Amtrak and the U.S. Postal Service, we sure as heck can fix a little spill."

My comments: I don 't know about you, but I feel better. Margaritas anyone?

 

Troops Will Not Stop Illegal Aliens

WASHINGTON (SR) - The State Department confirmed Wednesday that the 1,200 National Guard troops being sent to the border will be under strict orders to not stop individuals illegally entering our country.

The resulting outcry from politicians and residents to this news prompted the White House to quickly release a statement assuring the public "that far from being passive, the troops will be trained to glare menacingly at anyone crossing the border illegally, especially if they appear to be hauling drug contraband."

"This administration is committed to doing whatever is needed to stem the flow of individuals and goods entering the country illegally, as long as those actions do not unfairly infringe upon the rights of those involved," said the statement.

The "no stop" clarification came after the Mexican government urged Washington not to use the additional troops to go after illegal immigrants.

My comments: My God, what are we, animals?  These poor individuals are already uncomfortable enough having to walk in dirt carrying those heavy bales, the last thing they need is a bunch of jarheads giving them the hairy eyeballs!

 

  

Obama Slapped Down At GOP Luncheon

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama joined Republicans for lunch Tuesday, with the intent of downplaying the extreme partisanship that has marked his administration so far.

Senators and other sources inside the meeting described the gathering as “pissed-off."

Highlights of the lunch included Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) accusing Obama of being an "alien life form sent to destroy us," and Arizona Senator John McCain repeatedly taunting the President by disrupting his comments with covert animal and fart sounds.

The meeting ended abruptly when Obama was hit in the face by a buttered dinner roll possibly thrown by Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kans.). Capitol police are reviewing security tapes in an effort to positively identify the roll thrower and individual(s) who sawed the legs off the President's chair.

My comments: Barry's lucky, if the Republicans had showed him the respect his performance so far deserves, they would have pantsed him and set him on fire!

  

Private Income Declines, Government Payouts Explode

WASHINGTON (SR) - The Obama administration is trumpeting the latest economic figures showing the percentage of average personal income from private companies has dramatically declined, while the percentage of income from the federal government is rising to record levels.

A record-low 41.9% of the nation's personal income came from private wages in the first quarter, down from 44.6%, while individuals got 17.9% of their income from government programs in the first quarter, up from 14.2%.

"The government is doing what a government should do - provide for the people," said Obama chief economist Christina Romer. "Obviously the private sector doesn't have to pay out as much when the government pays out more. It all balances."

The Obama administration is said to be considering raising taxes for government employees to compensate for dwindling tax revenues from the private sector.

My comments: I feel much better after seeing this report. Anyone care to join me for some delicious margaritas?

Obama administration chief economist Christina Romer

Mosque At Ground Zero Hits Snag

NEW YORK CITY (SR) - Plans to build an Islamic mosque near Ground Zero are meeting a groundswell of opposition as the American public learn of the project.

The proposed 100 million dollar, 13 story structure called "Cordoba House" was originally approved by a city council who assumed it was to be a clubhouse for fans of the Chrysler Cordoba, an automobile manufactured from 1975 to 1983 and popularized in commercial ads featuring Ricardo Montalban.

One potential threat to the project may come from a New York iron workers union, who released a statement Monday morning announcing their development of new "green" building technologies that combine traditional steel with pork products. The "stork" is applied by a crew of specially-trained Jewish rabbis.

"We've developed a way to bond low-strength steel with high grade pork, creating a structural product over 10,000 times stronger than regular pork, and it tastes terrific," said the statement issued by New York Iron Workers Union Local No. 40.

A spokesman for the Islamic organization promoting Cordoba House called the new technology "interesting," and invited union leaders to a meeting in a remote area of Pakistan to demonstrate it.

My comments: I've heard of chicken reinforced steel, but not pork. Something tells me these unholy carpet-kissers are going to pay extra for this new tech!

 

 

New York rabbi union iron workers introduce pork steel

Calderon Visit Aftermath: Grafitti, Missing Items

WASHINGTON (SR) - An Obama spokesperson reported today that several White House bathrooms, hallways, and exterior walls were "tagged" or spray painted with graffiti during the gala for visiting Mexican president Nacho Calderon Wednesday night. Also reported were the theft of wheels and stereos from several government vehicles parked outside the White House, including the presidential limousine, that same evening.

The extravagant reception featured entertainment by Beyonce, a gourmet multi-course dinner, and a guest list that included over 200 prominent Mexican-Americans, primarily from the entertainment and human smuggling industries.

Insiders report finding several empty spray paint cans left behind in President Calderon's bedroom, but stopped short of accusing him or wife Chimi of participating in the defacement of White House property.

My comments: Big deal, the place probably needed to be painted anyway, what with Barry stinking up the joint with his smoking. Let's raise our margaritas in a toast to Calderon's ballsy condemnation of our laws while being wined and dined by us taxpayers - I hope our water gave him the trots!

Aftermath of visit by Mexico's President Nacho Calderon

Obama Throws Lavish Party To Impress Mexican ...Voters

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama pulled out all the stops Wednesday in an effort to impress Hispanic voters, as his administration hosted an incredibly expensive and spectacular gala for visiting Mexican President Nacho Calderon.

From the elaborate staging, decoration, and exotic gourmet multi-course dinner, to entertainment by Beyonce, the glitzy multimillion dollar event wowed impoverished Mexicans and out-of-work Americans alike.

The highlight of the evening was First Lady Michelle's dramatic entrance in a shimmering, vertically pleated high-waisted designer gown that compressed and stretched her seven foot frame to well over eight feet tall, dwarfing the President and their guests.

In a bizarre twist, literally all of President Calderon's female officials and staff accompanying him on the visit were unable to attend the gala, as incredibly all 176 were in labor at Washington area hospitals. "What a coincidence," remarked Calderone's wife, Chimi.

My comments: Wow, this whole thing so illustrates the Democrat's love for all Hispanic peoples! What a contrast to those wicked conservatives who practice intolerance against Mexican illegals just for committing crimes. Welcome to the Democrat's (guaranteed) blueprint for victory!

 

First Ladies Chimi and Michelle, Presidents Calderon and Obama

Pentagon To Issue Medals For Restraint

WASHINGTON (SR) - At the direction of the Obama administration, the Pentagon will soon be awarding U.S. troops in Afghanistan medals for doing nothing in the face of provocation.

According to Pentagon officials, the  medal would be given for "courageous restraint," or as troops in the field refer to it, "being a chickensh*t."

"Past administrations have put too much emphasis on killing," a Pentagon spokesperson told reporters Tuesday. "To win over your enemy, it sometimes takes more courage to run or be killed." 

Those views aren't necessarily shared by all in the service, however. "If I ever get awarded one of those things, I hope my own troops shoot me," said one Marine on the battlefield in Afghanistan. "I'll win my medals kicking a**, not cowering like some kind of pussy liberal pacifist."

My comments: The only restraint our troops should be practicing is not peeing on the enemy after they kill them. Let's raise our delicious margaritas in toast to our warriors - HOOAH!

 

 

Pentagon's new "Courageous Restraint" medal

Bill Clinton Offers Himself As Lottery Prize

NEW YORK, NY (SR) - Former President Bill Clinton is raffling himself in order to pay off his wife's remaining $771K campaign debt.

This is the second time in a year that Mr Clinton has offered himself as a lottery prize to whittle down Hillary’s debt. As Secretary of State, she is barred from raising money herself to pay it off.

In an e-mail sent to millions of people who supported Hillary Clinton’s White House campaign, the former President asks: “How would you like the chance to come up to New York and spend the day with me?” Out of thousands of replies, one individual is then chosen to spend "private time" with Mr. Clinton.

While the earlier lottery was a great success, many were left questioning exactly how the former president picked the winner, for obvious reasons. Insiders say the former First Lady has been at the forefront of those seeking information on the process.

My comments: This is the very thing that makes me want to become a politician. Well played, Bill. Well played.

  

Bill Clinton with unidentified lottery winner

Kagan Denies Accusation She's Gay

WASHINGTON (SR) - Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan responded today to accusations by this site and others that she is a lesbian.

"I resent the recent articles implying I don't like men," said Kagan, "At one time I dated a man who was once a woman, so one could hardly call me a lesbian."

In a further attempt to quell the rumors, sources likely associated with the Obama administration today released a photo showing Kagan in the affectionate embrace of a male companion.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Kagan's statement coupled with the photo "effectively dismiss any personal questions" associated with the nominee.

My comments: I agree with Gibbs that this photo pretty much lays to rest any notion that Kagan's a lesbian. I apologize for earlier articles inferring that she was.

Not gay: Elena Kagan in the embrace of a male companion

Obama Picks First Dyke For Supreme Court

WASHINGTON – (SR) President Obama nominated Solicitor General Elena Kagen to the Supreme Court Monday, setting the stage for her to become the first lesbian dyke to sit on the nation's highest court.

The former Harvard Law School dean "is widely regarded as one of the nation's foremost legal minds and one hell of a Harley mechanic," Obama said.

If confirmed by the Senate, Kagan would become both the third woman and the seventh man on the Supreme Court.

My comments: Immorality be damned - any chick who can field strip a V-Twin deserves to set the legal course of this country for the next 40 years!

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagen (left)

Poll: Only 39% Would Pick Obama Again

SCOOTER'S REPORT SPECIAL - According to the new Allstate/National Journal Heartland Monitor poll, considerably less than half of eligible voters would re-elect President Obama.

Only 39% of voters said they would vote to re-elect Obama if the election were held today. 50% said they would rather have their genitals singed by a propane torch, while the remaining 11% said they would apply baby lotion to a naked and aroused Barney Frank before voting Obama back into the White House.

The poll was conducted with 1277 eligible voters across the country.

My comments: For me, it's a tough call between the torch and voting for Barry - I've had my genitals singed several times with a propane torch, and it's no picnic.

Sharpton Causes Big Stink In Phoenix

PHOENIX (SR) - The Rev. Al Sharpton visited Phoenix Wednesday to shill for donations from the Hispanic community celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and to garner as much publicity as possible show his support for enlarging the Democratic Party through illegal immigration opposition to the new Arizona law that makes illegals unlawful.

After celebrating Cinco de Mayo over burritos and beer with local Hispanic leaders at a Mexican restaurant, Sharpton attended a church where he gave a rousing sermon to a standing room-only crowd.

"They fought wars and built schools and became determined tax payers, or at least fought gang wars, spray painted schools, and sometimes paid sales tax," preached Sharpton from the pulpit of the Pilgrim Rest Baptist Church. "Now you want to pull them over on the side of the road after they carjack somebody and act like they're second class citizens."

Midway through the service the police department bomb squad was summoned after a series of muffled explosions and toxic fumes startled the crowd and prompted a stampede for the doors that injured several people.

"It was like breathing the sulfurous fumes from Hell itself," said one elderly woman who was among those overcome. "God help me, I swear it came from Reverend AL, Lord have mercy!"

After the injured were attended, the group reorganized on the church lawn, then marched to the Capitol building.

My comments: I know someone who was crop-dusted by Al at a chili cookoff almost 12 years ago and she still can't talk right. Thank God nobody was killed!

Phoenix Suns Rally Behind Illegals

PHOENIX (SR) - In a display of opposition to the new Arizona law that outlaws being illegal, tonight the Phoenix Suns will wear jerseys emblazoned with "Los Suns."

The idea came from Suns owner Robert Sarver, who was seeking a way to safeguard his profits from the hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants in the Phoenix area who are actively boycotting anything labeled "Phoenix" or "Arizona" unless it's tied to free healthcare, welfare, or food stamps.

Also, unsubstantiated reports say that in order to further bond with local illegal immigrants, some members of the team plan to trash and rob border ranches while transporting large amounts of illegal substances, while others will commit violence and property crimes in metropolitan areas.

The San Antonio Spurs, the opposing team Phoenix plays tonight in a second round playoff series, called the "Los Suns" jerseys "a prophetic statement by a pathetic organization pandering to criminals. It'll be a loss for them, alright."

My comments: Hey, great move Suns! You've pissed off the 70% of Arizona residents who approve of the law (those legal residents with employment who support you, BTW), but earned the respect of the thousands of illegals who sponge off the 70% you just pissed off. Brilliant! Go Spurs!

 

 

Point guard Steve Nash sprints across a border ranch with contraband

Napolitano, Holder Caution Against Calling Bomber "Terrorist"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Following the arrest of accused Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, Attorney General Eric Holder is cautioning against a rush to judgment.

"The fact Mr. Shahzad is a radical Muslim who apparently tried to bomb Times Square before attempting to return to Pakistan hardly makes him a terrorist," Holder told reporters.

Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano echoed Holder's statement, calling initial reports describing Shahzad as a terrorist, "unduly hurtful and harsh." In a statement released this morning, Napolitano stated her office is "primarily focused on any possible connection Shahzad may have had with the Tea Party movement, or other extremist right wing racist paramilitary organizations."

My comments: And just because this guy prays to Allah five times a day doesn't mean he's a Muslim, either. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita, safe in the knowledge Mr. Shahzad's integrity won't be compromised by cruel labels.

 
Eric Holder, Janet Napolitano

Obama Cheating Scandal Photos!

SCOOTER'S REPORT SPECIAL - A national publication has come forth with a shocking new report that details Barack Obama cheating in 2004 with a woman calling herself "Vera Baker" at a Washington, D.C. hotel.

A limo driver claims he drove Baker to the hotel where Obama was staying. A reporter for the publication has confirmed the limo driver's account of the secret 2004 rendezvous and has also learned that on-site hotel surveillance video camera footage could provide indisputable evidence to the investigation.

Through our sources we have obtained that security camera video footage, and for the first time anywhere present an excerpt showing Baker heading for Obama's room that evening (below).

More on this story as it develops...

My comments: I can't say I blame Barry for this indiscretion, as this chick is only about 1000 times hotter than Michelle!

Security video showing "Vera Baker" in Obama hotel, closeups