Scooter's Report

Daily Kos: We Are Lying, Godless, Liberal Pinheads

SCOOTER'S REPORT - Leftist blog 'Daily Kos' founder Markos Moulitsas revealed Tuesday that much of the information his site has published was "bunk."

While this wouldn't be news to anyone with an IQ greater than a french fry, to the thousands of leftist college professors, atheists, socialists, communists, and morally-challenged Godless retards who look to the Kos for their facts, this revelation could be troubling.

Or not.

"Really, what is truth? If conservatives think it's so great, I don't want any part of it. Bravo Daily Kos, bravo," said Berkeley professor Marsha Bundberg-Washington when told her favorite blog had been posting untrue information.

The disclosure is expected to draw more progressive readers to the popular site.

My comments: Wow, hard to believe a mostly atheist, socialist/communist blog could be less than truthful (cough cough).

Feds Seek Missing Russian Spy

WASHINGTON (SR) - The FBI is still seeking a 12th individual suspected of being a Russian undercover operative after arresting 11 others Monday in the US and abroad.

According to authorities, the individual at large is "extremely undercover' and is likely a man posing as a woman, or vice-versa. "The only photo we have appears to show a man in a dress, but it's not clear - it may be a woman trying to look like a man trying to look like a woman," a spokesperson for the FBI said.

Reportedly, the Russian operatives were to blend in with American society and penetrate what one coded message called “policy making circles.”

Authorities have released the grainy photo (below) with the hope someone will recognize the individual.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, that looks like my Aunt Lester!

 

Please call the FBI if you have seen this man/woman

Sen. Robert Byrd More Dead

W. VIRGINIA (SR) - Sen. Robert Byrd, (D-WV) is reported to have passed away Monday morning. He was the Senate's longest surviving member.

According to sources, Byrd had been admitted to a Washington area hospital a week ago suffering from extreme stupidity, but by Sunday afternoon, other conditions developed and his health took a turn for the worse, shocking many.

"Holy cow, I thought he died in 1988," said one colleague. "While I'm certainly shocked and saddened, he'll probably make a lot more sense now."

Administration officials say they don't expect any major changes with Byrd's passing, as his preserved body will be permanently seated in the Senate so he can provide the same level of representation he has for the last 20 years. "If anything, he'll probably do a much better job now that he can't speak," said one fellow Senator.

 

Sen. Robert Byrd carries on after death

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - All the news you can stand:

Rabbis: Elana Kagan Not Kosher

850 Orthodox members of the Rabbinical Alliance of America issued a statement Thursday calling Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan "not kosher," presumably implying she is unfit to serve on the court.

When asked why they believed Kagan was an unfit candidate, Rabbi Yehuda Levin, spokesman for the alliance told Scooter's Report, "Who the hell cares what she does, we're saying we wouldn't eat her."

10-Year-Old Is Gay Pride Parade Grand Marshal

A young boy was named grand marshal for a gay pride parade these weekend in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

The boy, 10-year-old Will Phillips, has been embraced by homosexuals for his outspoken support for gay rights since he refused to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in school last year.

"He is a fabulous little boy," said Rump Riders National Chairman Bobbi Starr. "To be so young, and so brave is just an inspiration to all of us who are fighting for the same rights and liberties as normal people. The fact he really rocks a thong doesn't hurt, either."

Geithner: US Can No Longer Drive World Economy

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner told the BBC that the world "cannot depend as much on the US as it has in the past."

When asked to elaborate on his statement, Geithner said, "The US has become very financially unstable in the last year and a half and we don't really know why. Maybe we need to spend more or buy gold or something - I dunno."

Geithner was speaking in Washington ahead of G8 and G20 meetings this weekend in Toronto.

Home Depot Hosts Kiddie Clinics At Gay Fests

The home-improvement giant has sponsored yet another "gay" pride event and provided children's craft workshops at the 2010 Southern Maine Pride Festival in Portland, Maine.

Activities at the workshops include teaching children home decorating fundamentals and "making dildos and butt plugs for fun and profit."

Home Depot has sponsored similar children's activities at homosexual affairs in Atlanta, Kansas City, Durham, Portland and San Diego.

Rabbi Levin, Will Phillips, Timothy Geithner, Craft making

Al Gore A "Crazed Sex Poodle"

PORTLAND, OR (SR) - An Oregon woman claims Al Gore groped and fondled her during a massage session in 2006 at his Portland hotel suite.

In a 2009 taped interview with Portland sex crimes investigators, the woman described the former Vice President as a "crazed sex poodle," saying, "As I massaged him he was moving around and moaning; when I got to his thigh area he started making 'yipping' sounds. He was like this pasty, bloated, hairless, humping poodle." 

At one point when the woman rebuked Gore's sexual advances, she claimed he reacted by becoming at first angry, then sullen and pleading. "Mr. Gore became very serious. He calmly described how warming in his "southern regions" was damaging the earth's fragile ecosystems, and pleaded for me to give CPR to his 'polar bear.' It all seemed so very scientific, but a penis wearing a tiny fur coat is no polar bear."

The case was ultimately closed when the woman canceled three interview appointments with investigators.

  

Socialist Zero Fires Military Hero

WASHINGTON DC (SR) -  President Barack Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal Wednesday morning, in response to quotes in a Rolling Stone article critical of the administration's war effort.

The source said Obama "really gave it" to McChrystal in the meeting, "yelling and cursing at him, then forcing the general to do push-ups while Vice President Biden pelted him with grapes."

After relieving Gen. McChrystal of his duties, the President attempted to ceremonially tear the general's stars from his uniform, only to suffer several puncture wounds and a mildly sprained wrist.

McChrystal left the White House without giving a statement. At this point, we are waiting for official word from the administration confirming the firing and  identifying a successor to head the military effort in Afghanistan.

UPDATE: The White House claims McChrystal resigned (we know better), and that Gen. David Patraeus has been named to succeed him.

Grapes of wrath: McChrystal leaves White House after meeting with President

GOP Encourages Obama To Golf More

WASHINGTON, DC (SR) - While President Barack Obama continues to be criticized in the press for his nonstop golfing while the country suffers one calamity after another, unlikely allies are not only defending the President's slacking, but actually encouraging him to do more.

"For the sake of the country, President Obama should be spending far more time on the course," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "I think the majority of Americans would vote to keep the President on the golf course 24/7, where he can do as little additional harm to the country as possible."

Last weekend Obama played his 39th round of golf since becoming President but  many Americans don't seem too bothered by it, as by now almost everyone has seen the First Lady in stretch pants.

Justification for excessive golfing? Yes.

China To Overtake U.S. In Manufacturing

By Scooter Van Neuter - China is poised to overtake the U.S.A. as the biggest manufacturing nation, ending America's 110-year reign as the world's largest producer of goods.

Thanks primarily to retailing giant Wal-Mart, China's cheap plastic crap (CPC) production has exploded in the last five years, and their manufacturing output of cheap pieces of sh*t (CPOS) is on course to overtake current leader Taiwan.

Industry experts say the U.S. needs to start building its own cheap crap to maintain the top production position -  an unlikely prospect due to inflated wages brought on by domestic labor unions.

My comments: What happened to the days when you could buy a cheap plastic piece of crap made in the good 'ol U.S.of A.?

 

Chinese factory workers manufacturing cheap plastic crap

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - All the news that's worth reporting:

Retarded Lakers Fans Run Amok After Win

Arizona residents continue to give thanks for the Los Angeles boycott of their state, after LA residents celebrated last night's Lakers victory by battling police, burning cars, beating people, vandalizing businesses - in other words behaving like typical state-supported liberal leftards.

Fortunately, the "perfect storm" feared by police didn't occur, as Raiders fans were already too drunk and stoned to meet up with the basketball fans downtown.

Gigantic Kickball Game Still Going 

Somewhere overseas a huge game (or games) of kickball is evidently still underway. Reports filtering back to the United States claim zillions of drunken fans are deafening each other with plastic horns when not fighting. Police are on high alert for rioting.

Who would believe Lakers fans could sell enough crack to afford to travel overseas for kickball games?

Days Ago In Ecuador: Clinton Says U.S. Will Sue Arizona 

A news video now being circulated in the U.S. shows Secretary of State Hillary Clinton telling an interviewer in Ecuador on June 8 that the Obama administration is going to sue Arizona over its law declaring illegal entry into the state illegal.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer expressed outrage over the fact she learned of the government's move to sue her state through a You Tube video, saying, "From now on, We'll make sure and monitor all third world interviews so we can know what our government is up to."

BP President Gutted, Filleted

BP President Tony Hayward was verbally tarred and feathered, pantsed, pilloried, slapped-down, kicked to the curb, abused, reamed, blasted, debased, emasculated, dressed-down, insulted, bitched-out, beat-down, browbeat, brutalized, belittled, and bung-holed by a Congressional committee Thursday.

Here is an abridged version of the hearing, for those of you that missed it:
Bloviating, pompous gas-bag politician: "You suck."
Hayward: "I'm so Sorry."

Biden Kicks Off "Recovery Summer"

WASHINGTON DC (SR) - In the wake of skyrocketing new claims for jobless benefits, Vice President Joe Biden will kick off "Recovery Summer," a six-week highlight of new stimulus-funded jobs across the country.

Biden will present President Obama with a report laying out a spike in stimulus activity this summer. Many expect this report to rival other great works of fiction such as 'Moby Dick," and "Great Expectations," only with that twist of unintended humor only Joe Biden can bring to a story.

Obama Senior Adviser David Axelrod gushed over the Recovery Summer program, saying, "This summer will be the most active Recovery Act summer so far this year, with billions of borrowed dollars of infrastructure projects breaking ground, providing hundreds of thousands of laid-off professionals with temporary jobs shoveling dirt, and setting up cones and stuff. Good times are truly back!"

My comments: I don't know about you, but I can't wait for "Recovery Summer 2012."

 

 

VP Biden watches former executives dig stimulus drainage canal

Obama Address: BP Sucks, I Have A Plan

WASHINGTON DC (SR) - In his first address to the nation from the Oval Office, President Barack Obama Tuesday night accused BP of "recklessness" and vowed to make the giant oil company "crap gold bricks."

Seated at the storied Resolute desk with an American flag and family photos in the background, Obama read his teleprompter in a calm tone, with no sign of the contrived anger he showed earlier in the week concerning the spill.

The President devoted much of his address to reassuring the American public, saying his administration had developed a "comprehensive battle plan," and pledging, "When not golfing or on vacation, we will fight this spill with everything we've got for as long it takes - even forever."

While President Obama gave no details of the battle plan, we were able to get a copy (below) from a confidential White House source.

My comments: I don't know about you, but after listening to Barry and seeing his battle plan, I'm confident this oil spill thing is handled. Let's celebrate with a cool, delicious margarita!

 

  

President Visits Gulf For Lunch

GULFPORT, Mississippi (SR) - President Barack Obama traveled to the Gulf Coast and ate seafood Monday. The visit was to encourage Americans to vacation in the Gulf states and eat the local seafood, two industries that have suffered because of the BP oil spill.

"There's still some beaches that aren't affected, and the others remind me of the beautiful black sand beaches of my home state, Hawaii," the President said as he strolled the beach in a hazmat suit.

Later, President Obama enjoyed a lunch of local seafood consisting of crab cakes, shrimp salad, and a shrimp sandwich, before unexpectedly excusing himself for the remainder of the day.

My comments: When it comes to sliminess, that oil spill has nothing on Obama. I can't wait for him to quit visiting so I can vacation there this summer!

President Obama enjoys a Gulf seafood lunch

News News News!

(Scooter's Report) - Here's a quick summery of today's news:

Huge Kickball Game

Somewhere overseas there's a huge kickball game that got underway today.

I'm not sure who the teams are, or exactly why normal people would want to watch a bunch of girly-men with bad hair running around in bike-riding outfits kicking a volleyball - I'm guessing things must be boring as crap over there.

Obama To Meet With BP Chairman

The White House has summoned the BP chairman next week for photographs of the President sternly lecturing him/her (no, I don't know and don't care).

Look for Barry to display his most serious/angry facial expressions yet, coupled with extreme finger pointing and dramatic gesturing like some over-caffeinated retard.

Obama Administration To Back UN Investigation Of Israel

A White House source is confirming that the Obama administration will support the United Nation's investigation into Israel's interception of a Turkish "aid" flotilla.

While not a psychic, I predict this investigation will find fault with Israel. I don't know how I know, I just do.

Attorney General Holder Apologizes To Mexico

Holder called the shooting of a 15 year-old youth by a US border guard "extremely regrettable."

Here is one case where I actually agree with this moronic pinhead. It was extremely regrettable that the officer only hit one in the group that was attempting to stone him to death.

I suggest this officer be given further firearms instruction, and maybe a better weapon.

Have a great weekend, peeps!

 

  

UK To Obama: Shut Your Piehole

LONDON (SR) - British politicians warned Barack Obama to back off as billions of pounds were wiped off BP shares because of the President's increasingly shrill criticism of the British firm.

Mayor Boris Johnson called Obama's latest threat to seize BP, halt dividend payments, and force its executives and shareholders into prostitution as punishment for the spill, "not good" for the company's share prices.

Former Conservative Party chairman Lord Tebbit called Obama a "d*ckhead," and said the U.S. president's attempt to divert attention from his own "pathetic" response will ultimately fail.

My comments: I think Barry's just setting up a good buying opportunity. I know I'm investing in BP stock as soon as it hits ten cents a share.

 

Lord Tebbit conveys a message to President Obama

BP: Obama Couldn't Kick His Momma's Ass

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama "went ghetto" in an interview Tuesday when he said he "wanted to know whose ass to kick" over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

The President made the remark on NBC News' "Today." He also said if BP Chief Executive Ton Hayward worked for him, he would have fired him over his response to the 50-day spill.

Hayward replied in kind to Obama's statements late Tuesday, saying, "He couldn't kick his momma's ass." The BP executive also told reporters he would have responded to the disaster as the President did, but "wasn't able to get that many tee times."

My comments: Wow, Barry's really talking some serious smack! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we fantasize about slapping the stupid out of this commie-retard!

Biden Super Soaker!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Vice President Joe Biden and wife Jill hosted a picnic for the press at their Naval Observatory residence last Saturday.

After posing for photos with their guests, the Bidens headed out to the lawn for schmoozing. Suddenly, the second lady launched a surprise Super Soaker attack on her husband. The veep quickly retaliated but was soaked by a number of children, including his grandkids, armed with giant water guns.

According to witnesses, Vice President Biden was laughing as the children sprayed him from every side, but when his Super Soaker ran dry, he "whipped out his stuff' and proceeded to urinate on the screaming children, provoking a mixed reaction from guests and family.

"He just kind of freaked out, I guess," said CNN's Wolf Blitzer. "One minute he's drinking beer and running around with a squirt gun, the next he's yelling like Rambo and peeing all over the kids! It was funny, but weird."

Later, Biden apologized to his guests, saying the beer, heat, and extreme urge to urinate prompted his behavior.

My comments: My grandfather always used to urinate on me at family picnics - good times!

 

   

Israel Welcomes Iranian Escort For Activist Flotilla

TEHRAN (SR) -Ali Imaazzhat, an aide to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said that Iran will send Revolutionary Guard naval units to escort humanitarian aid convoys seeking to break the Israeli blockade of Gaza. 

In a surprise move, Israeli not only did not object to the Iranian escort, but in a statement released by the IDF Monday morning, seemed to encourage it:

"While Israel has every intention of maintaining a blockade of Gaza, we acknowledge that a large force of highly trained Revolutionary Guards manning a formidable fleet of powerful Iranian Navy vessels could possibly adversely influence our willingness to enforce the blockade - they're just so awesome."

The statement concludes with an offer to refuel Iranian Navy ships at Gaza and provide Revolutionary Guards with "valuable gifts and prizes" should they succeed in challenging the blockade.

My comments: I like this new conciliatory tone Israel is taking with its adversaries. If this statement is any indication, can world peace be far off?

Iranian destroyer on maneuvers

"Raining Jews" Part 2

ANKARA, TURKEY (Scooter's Report Exclusive) - The conclusion of my interview with Ahfouk Miselph, one of the peace activists aboard the Turkish flotilla raided by the Israelis earlier this week:

SR: So you and your fellow activists attacked the Israelis because you were afraid they would shoot you with paintballs, is that correct?

Ahfouk: Well, that was one reason.

SR: There was another reason?

Ahfouk: One of the Jews sexually assaulted a single woman on board. Those flying Jews were like sex-starved dogs!

SR: You're saying an Israeli commando raped a female passenger?

Ahfouk: Absolutely, we all saw him do it. As we were beating him like a pinata, he suddenly let go of the rope and thrust himself onto an innocent and frightened young girl, pinning her on the deck. Praise be to Allah my little sister was covered, or she'd be pregnant now.

SR: The soldier fell on your little sister? Is she OK?

Ahfouk: Besides getting a fat lip when she fell on her club, she was fine. We restored our family's honor and threw the little slut overboard.

SR: And the Israeli soldier who landed on her?

Ahfouk: He was obviously enticed by the little whore - we took his watch and let him go.

SR: How did the raid end?

Ahfouk: It turned out the Jews had real guns and they unexpectedly started shooting the crap out of us.

SR: And so your group surrendered?

Ahfouk: No, we chased them around with sticks while they shot our nuts off. Of course we surrendered.

SR: Thank you for sharing your story.

Ahfouk: Whatever.

Slut overboard!

Activist: "It Was Raining Jews"

ANKARA, TURKEY (Scooter's Report Exclusive) - Just days after a violent and controversial raid that killed nine peace activists and injured many more, I met with Ahfouk Miselph, an activist who was on board one of the ships, to find out what really happened:

SR: You were aboard the lead ship, what did you experience?

Ahfouk: Around 2:00 AM we were on deck having a cocktail party and putting away some pipes and knives and stuff when all of a sudden someone yelled "Jews! Jews!"

SR: Where were the Israelis at this point?

Ahfouk: Falling out of the sky! It was literally raining Jews! I nearly crapped my pants - I've never seen so many Jews falling from the sky, ever.

SR: Some of your people claim they were shooting at you as they descended. Were they shooting?

Ahfouk: I'm pretty sure they were screaming. I think when they got close and saw we were all awake and carrying knives and clubs and stuff like that, they freaked out a little. I saw one guy go back up the rope.

SR: A widely circulated video shows your group beating the Israelis before they even touched the deck. Why did you attack them?

Ahfouk: We could clearly see they had paintball rifles. Have you ever been hit with a paintball?

SR: Yes, it hurts.

Ahfouk: Damned right it does, plus they can stain certain fabrics. On top of that, none of us were wearing approved eye protection. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want at two in the morning is some Jew ruining my good suit and accidentally shooting my eye out.

SR: I hear that.

To be continued -

Pelosi Says "Word" Guides Her Policies

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told an audience at a Catholic Community Conference that she pursues public policies in keeping with the values of the "Word."

Pelosi said, "My favorite word is the Word, is the Word. And that is everything. It says it all for us. And you know the biblical reference, you know the Gospel reference of the Word. And that Word is, we have to give voice to what that means in terms of public policy that would be in keeping with the values of the Word. The Word. Isn’t it a beautiful word when you think of it? It just covers everything. The Word." *

After Pelosi's  speech, the audience was left to wonder who or what this Word actually is - some assuming she was referring to Jesus if Jesus was an enthusiastic promoter of slaughtering children in (or partially out of) the womb, others sure Madame Speaker made up her own bizarre deity. At this point nobody really knows.

*You can't make this kind of stuff up - Pelosi's actual words!

My comments: I find it less than comforting that Nancy's "Word" prompted her to vote for partial birth abortions and men having butt sex. Let's hope it doesn't tell her to start shooting people!

 

Pelosi seeks guidance from "Word"