Scooter's Report

Washington Times: Troops Despise Obama

WASHINGTON (SR) - A story in the Washington Times today describes President Obama's failure to earn the respect of troops under his command.

According to the article, a Military Times poll this year of its subscribers, almost all active or retired members of the military, found that a majority disapproved of his leadership, with most "fervently praying" that a pack of autistic badgers would mistake the President's testicles for chew toys.

"Everyone remembers then-Senator Obama saying the surge would fail and calling for us to basically surrender Iraq to the jihadists," said one Marine Sergeant. "He'll always be a little cowardly commie p*ssy in our eyes."

My comments: That's a shame - the Taliban really like him, why do our guys have to be so darned judgmental?

No respect: President receives genital salutes/derogatory ass grab

Rangel: Vote For Me To Keep Civil RIghts Alive

HARLEM, NY (SR) - Rep. Charles Rangel described himself Sunday as a "foot solder" in African-Americans' struggle for equality, and urged his supporters to vote for him to keep the fight alive.

"All of you remember that this fight is never, never going to end at least as long as there are ethically-challenged black politicians like myself trying to get elected. I'm just one of the foot soldiers; just one of those [who] fought to enrich myself upon your backs in the march so that one day our kids [will] be able to say, 'Do you remember when there was bigotry and prejudice in this country from someone other than a black Democrat politician? Do you remember when there wasn't bloviating, race-baiting hucksters getting fat at the public teat by manipulating illiterate welfare junkies fairness?"

While a House panel has charged Rangel with 13 ethics violations, as well as 934 violations related to the abuse of hair straightening products, the American public has already found the disgraced politician guilty of being a slimy greaseball in the third degree, according to latest polls.

My comments: Well, there goes the civil rights movement and Black equality. Damn Whitey!

Rep. Charles Rangel visits Harlem

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - It's not news if it's not here:

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"Recovery Summer" On Life Support

Wow, who could have seen this coming?

Even after sending "Slow Joe" Biden on a nationwide tour trumpeting the Obama administration's 'success' in turning the economy around, the economy refused to go along with the lie. With the exception of some illiterate welfare recipients and a few college professors, neither did the American public.

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Israel Ready To Destroy Lebanese Army In 4 Hours

I guess the Israelis didn't take kindly to the Lebanese army killing one, and injuring several other of their troops who were simply cutting down a tree on Israeli land.

Unfortunately, there's no way I could condone wiping out the whole Lebanese army in 4 hours for this - the IDF should do it in 3 hours and have lunch afterward.

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Republicans Plan To Probe Democrats

Apparently one key Democrat is enthusiastically welcoming the GOP's planned investigations, after it regains power, into the Obama administration's attempt to transform our country into Cuba.

A spokesman said Rep. Barney Frank "can't wait to be probed, preferably more than once."

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Obama Halts Prosecution Of Cole Bomber

10 years after Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri murdered 17 sailors and wounded dozens of others on the USS Cole, it seems Eric Holder (and his equally-retarded boss) still can't figure out a way to try terrorist killers in such a way that they have at least a 50% chance of getting off.

Hopefully Barry and Eric won't figure this out, as the coming Republican administration will gladly see that this guy becomes someone's girlfriend for life receives legal justice.

Joe Biden, Barney Frank, Retard Holder

Sasquatch Sighting Near Obama Vacation Home!

MARTHA'S VINEYARD (SR) - Local residents on this quiet island may not be sleeping so well since the reported sighting of a Bigfoot last night, just down the beach from where the First Family is vacationing.

An unidentified woman called Martha's Vineyard police Wednesday night at 10:08 to report a "Bigfoot-type creature" slowly moving along the beach in the moonlight. Police quickly alerted Secret Service agents guarding the Obama's home, who reported seeing nothing unusual, but as a precaution did request that First Lady Michelle cut short her evening walk.

While Sasaquatch sightings are not uncommon in Massachussetts, they are very rare on the island of Martha's Vineyard.

My comments: Holy-pope-on-a-rope, just reading this gave me chicken skin! They need to move the First Family to someplace safer, like maybe Afghanistan!

Feds Dismissing Deportation Cases

HOUSTON (SR) -The Department of Homeland Security is suddenly moving to dismiss thousands of deportation cases against suspected illegal immigrants in Houston.

Richard Rocha, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokesman, said Tuesday that the action is part of the agency's broader, nationwide strategy to "prioritize" the deportations of future Democrat voters illegal immigrants.

Opponents to illegal immigration are outraged at the move, calling it a blatant backdoor amnesty program by the Obama administration - a charge that Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano denies. "This is hardly amnesty; those individuals who have been convicted of more than two felonies within a six month period could still possibly face a hearing and maybe even deportation," said Napolitano.

The Department of Homeland Security is moving to institute its review of illegal immigrant cases to every major city across the country.

My comments: I guess you can't blame Barry for not wanting to deport a good number of his party's future voters/dependents of the state...

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano

White House: Obamas Suffering Hardships Too

WASHINGTON (SR) - Amid growing criticism of the First Family's opulent lifestyle at a time when many Americans are struggling, the White House issued a statement Monday saying that the Obamas are suffering as well. Here is an excerpt:

President Obama and his family understand and sympathize with what many Americans are going through, as they are also dealing with the stress and uncertaintity of living in these turbulent times.

For instance, during their present vacation at Martha's Vineyard, rain has prevented the First Family from doing many of the things they had planned, forcing them to spend hours at a time inside their $20 million mansion with nothing but first-run movies, games, fine food and wine, and the company of numerous celebrities to entertain them.

In addition, President Obama has only been able to golf two times so far on this vacation, and both times his concentration and enjoyment were significantly dampened by excessive noise from seagulls in the area.

Just when things seemed like they couldn't get worse, they did - while dining at a local restaurant, Michelle was served slightly overcooked lobster, President Obama found the Tarte Aux Framboises  "disappointing," and even the children were displeased with the new color scheme.

Despite these hardships, the First Family joins all Americans in bravely going forward, confident in a better tomorrow.

My comments: I guess sometimes we forget that even the President has the same kind problems we all do....

B.O. Elementary Causing Stink In Maryland

UPPER MARLBORO, MD (SR) -A new school named after the current president has Prince George County residents holding their noses.

Many here question naming the school after a president whose popularity is roughly on par with genital warts. "Out of all the great people in this nation's history, they name our school after THIS socialist douchebag? Are you kidding me?" asked one angry parent.

Barack Obama Elementary is touted as being an environmentally friendly "green" school, due to the fact it cost five times what a normal school would, while providing a third of the comfort for its students and faculty.

My comments: I can only assume there must already be too many schools named after Fidel Castro...

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - If it's news but not here, it's not real:

Hardhats Vow Not To Build Ground Zero Mosque

Rats, I was really wanting to see how the Iron Workers' new pork/steel girders were going to work out. Thank God for individuals who put conscience before profit - I salute yous guys.

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Martha's Vineyard Still Attracts Sh*t

I thought this story referenced the Obama's latest vacation (this month) to Ted Kennedy's old drinking/whoring grounds, Martha's Vineyard, but it turns out it's about the salt-water lagoon fronting the first family’s vacation estate having high levels of fecal coliform bacteria.

Apparently, the reports of the First Lady pooping in the lagoon were true ("Hey Mom, what kind of fish is THAT?").

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Maxine Waters Dismisses Evidence In Ethics Case As "Chatter"

OK, so Intellectual pygmy and Rangel soul-mate, Rep. Maxine Waters, calls emails she sent to Barney Frank to procure $12 million for her husband's bank innocent "office chatter." Investigators (and anyone with a higher IQ than a bicycle seat's) politely disagree.

The fact that Waters has already forgotten how this defense worked out for Nixon and his tapes proves it's time for this parasitic geriatric hose-bag to hit the road. See ya!

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White House: Obama "Obviously" A Christian

Alright, let's see now...

1. Spent the last 20 years in 'church' studying hatred for another race - check
2. Tirelessly promoted the slaughter of unborn and partially-born babies - check
3. Studied under and worked closely with atheist socialists and terrorists - check
4. Stated there are many roads to salvation - check
5. Raised as a Muslim - check
6. Never attended a church service since winning presidency - check
7. Worships Satan - OK, I made that one up

Yep, Barry's obviously a follower of Christ, all right!

First Lady Michelle Obama, Maxine Waters, "Christian" Obama

Poll: 25% Believe Obama Muslim, 87% Believe He Is A Moron

SCOOTER'S REPORT - A new Time poll indicates deep prejudices among the US population against violent antichrist religions and those who practice them, as well as a growing dislike for President Obama.

According to the poll, more than 70% of Americans are adamantly opposed to the building of the Ground Zero mosque, with over half promising to urinate on the structure and pelt it with bacon if it is built.

A surprising 25% of Americans believe President Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim, while 87% believe he is "a moron or functionally retarded." Not surprisingly, 42% continue to believe First Lady Michelle is a Wookie, and should be neutered.

The poll surveyed 1,002 adults, 89% of whom identified themselves as likely voters, on August 16 - 17.

My comments: This is a good example of why I distrust polls - only 87% believe Barry's a moron? The 13% who don't need to be neutered with Michelle, IMHO.

President Barack Obama and Woo First Lady Michelle

 

Pelosi: Investigate Those Who Oppose Mosque

WASHINGTON (SR) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Tuesday called for an investigation into those who are protesting the building of the Ground Zero mosque.

Appearing on San Francisco radio station KBUTT, Pelosi said, "Everybody respects the right of people in our country to express their religious beliefs on their property. The fact this particular property is the site of a massacre inflicted by the religious beliefs that are to be expressed on it, means nothing."

In response to critics' claims that she is merely pandering to Muslim voters, Pelosi called them "evil conservative infidels," and said she is merely standing up for her God "Ollie" (Allah?).

My comments: Ever since Nancy argued with the Pope that abortion is Biblically acceptable, I've looked to her for judgement on all things religious. It's clearly time to investigate!

Speaker Pelosi (right) (file photo)

Obama Reaches "Turd In Punchbowl" Status

LOS ANGELES (SR) - In what is undeniably the strongest indicator yet of President Obama's toxicity to his own party, singer and intellectual tadpole, Barbra Streisand, was a no-show at his fund raiser here yesterday.

"Unfortunately, Ms. Streisand had a prior commitment to get her car washed," said a statement released by her office. However, at the time of the fundraiser unnamed sources reported seeing the singer "eating a ham" poolside at her Malibu estate.

Streisand is the latest in a growing number of Democrat liberal/progressive/socialist celebrities and politicians now avoiding Obama like church. Not since Milli Vanilli has the world witnessed such a precipitous free-fall from fawning idolization to turd-in-a-punchbowl status in so short a time.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, when die-hard commies like Babs start stiffing Barry, you know it's over! I'd celebrate by listening to Babs singing "What Kind Of Fool Am I" but her voice makes my cat Fluffy uncontrollably spray poop all over the  living room, so I'll just have a delicious margarita instead.

Obama as seen by fellow Democrats, former fan Barbra Streisand

N. Korea: All Your Base Are Belong To Us

SEOUL (SR) - North Korea's military threatened reprisals Sunday against South Korea for staging joint war games with the United States this week.

The statement published by North Korea's state media said, "The North's army and people will deal the most merciless counterblow no one has ever met in the world to your base - it all are belong to us."

The statement concludes with the ominous threat "We counterblow you longtime."

The warning came a day before US and South Korean troops begin the joint 10-day computerised war games.

My comments: Just the thought of all our base are belong to them gives me the chills - let's pray that's just an idle threat....

For the benefit of our younger readers: all-your-base-are-belong-to-us