Scooter's Report

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - Like a midget on steroids - news that's short, hard, and a little pissed off:

Election Weekend "Terror" Attack

Maybe it's just me, but a couple little boxes of crap obviously thrown together by uneducated retards and mailed (no less) to some Jews in Chicago hardly reaches the level of "terrorist attack."

Instead of Barry using this incident to trumpet his administration's brilliance in saving our nation from almost certain annihilation, the intelligent response would have been to return the packages, containing real bombs, to the senders for improper packaging or whatever - you just know these morons would have opened them...

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Obama Ordered Agencies To "Take Steps"

According to the official statement issued by White House Press Secretary and 2004 Special Olympics Bronze Medal winner Robert Gibbs, as soon as he learned of the "attack," our brave and quick-thinking Commander in Chief "directed U.S. intelligence and law enforcement agencies, and the Department of Homeland Security, to take steps to ensure the safety and security of the American people."

Thank God Almighty Barry was at the helm! Without this order our security forces would have been left standing around wondering what to do. Nice job, Rambo!

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 Sen. Kerry Blasts "Period of Know-Nothingness"

Is this the same goofy-looking retard who shot himself in the ass in Vietnam? And he's now calling the rest of us ignorant? Seriously?

Hey Lurch, we proved we're smart enough to not elect you president - I'd say we're freaking geniuses!

Terrorist "bomb", Sen. Kerry

Obama and Stewart: More Than Friends?

WASHINGTON (SR) -President Obama appeared on "The Daily Show" with fake newsman/aspiring comedian John Stewart Wednesday. The show was taped at the main theater at the Harman Center for the Arts in DC.

While there was the expected bantering about the upcoming midterm elections, it was an incident after the taping that has people talking. Just as the production ended, host John Stewart suddenly leaned in and planted a passionate kiss directly on the President's lips(!) For over 10 full seconds. With tongue.

Stewart later claimed the kiss was choreographed, but those present said it was totally unscripted. One Daily Show employee described it this way: "John just got carried away. He really, really loves Obama. A lot."

My comments: Yeah, like that's a news flash. God only knows what happened in the Green Room!

Stewart leans in for "the kiss." Unscripted?

Reid Giving Away Gift Cards, Crack For Votes

RENO (SR) - In a desperate attempt to energize his base, Sen. Harry Reid has been handing out free crack cocaine and gift cards for Colt 45 Malt Liquor at his campaign events, according to reports.

Despite a Nevada law that prohibits the influencing of votes by any kind of bribe, the Democrat Secretary of State dismissed GOP complaints about Reid's vote buying, saying this week that candidates may give out free food at campaign events.

Republicans are insisting that gift cards and crack cocaine are not food, and therefore illegal, but Reid's organization disagrees.

"Crack is a type of food in that it has to be cooked," explained an unidentified Reid staffer, "and the gift cards are for drinks to go with the food. I guess the Republicans would rather have voters choke to death on dry crack rocks."

My comments: I'm leaving for Nevada immediately to personally investigate this story.

Reid campaign event

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NPR Blesses Juan Williams With Fame, Fortune

This is the kind of story that makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

NPR: "How dare Juan Williams keep appearing on Fox News - doesn't he know he's a liberal, and an Afro-American one at that? I know, let's fire him, that'll teach him!" (evil laughter)

The next day it's 'All Juan Williams, All The Time' on seemingly every station in the country. Newspaper headlines blare "Fox News Gives Juan Williams $2 Million Salary, Expanded Duties." and TMZ reports Rhianna wants to have his baby. He's hurtin' now, alright!

So Juan's now a rock star and NPR cements their status as a leftist liberal mouthpiece run by idiots. Justice.

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 Reid: "But For Me We'd Be In A Worldwide Depression"

I normally wouldn't begrudge Reid blowing his own horn, but in this case it's a 50-ton tuba, and it doesn't even belong to him. Either Harry's been huffing spray paint again or he's channeling Nancy Pelosi - either way, it's not healthy.

Hey Harry, if I were you instead of bragging about saving the world, I'd be practicing this: "Welcome to Wal-Mart" (smile).

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Illegal Aliens Canvass For Votes

In Seattle illegals are going door to door asking people to vote for Democrats. One would naturally assume this would be most counterproductive, as this is the equivalent of your mugger calling upon you to request you keep his crime boss in power - but this is Seattle we're talking about.

Do we really need further proof that sunlight deprivation coupled with excessive caffeine consumption leads to severe social retardation? I think not.

  
Illegal alien canvassing for votes in a Seattle neighborhood

President Clinton Lost Nuclear Launch Codes

WASHINGTON (SR) -According to a just-published memoir, President Clinton actually lost the card with the nuclear launch codes, called the "biscuit," while in office.

The book, by Clinton administration Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Hugh Shelton, describes Clinton misplacing the codes during the turbulent period when he was secretly engaged in a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Shelton writes, "The codes were actually missing for a long time. That's a big deal - a gargantuan deal."

Many months later, the partially decomposed "biscuit" was anonymously mailed to the Pentagon. Authorities were eventually able to trace the package back to a gynecologist's office in California, but no one knows how it got there, or where it had been for all that time.

My comments: I don't get it. Did Clinton drop it while visiting California? Did a thief in the White House lose it on a trip? This stupid story makes absolutely no sense.

Found Clinton nuclear codes "biscuit"

Obamas Star In Sleazy Video

WASHINGTON (SR) - The White House has released what appears to be a homemade video starring Barack and Michelle Obama.

The short production titled "Get in the Game" features the Obamas standing in front of their shower curtain, pleading for help in forestalling the inevitable defeat of their party's candidates in the upcoming midterm elections.

My review: While Barack shows an occasional glimpse of the acting skills that convinced millions of otherwise intelligent voters to elect an ex-crackhead / community organizer to the nation's highest office, for the most part the acting is dreadful, especially Michelle's. With eyes staring in different directions beneath a menacing Klingon brow, she doesn't exactly project the comforting, motherly vibe the director was obviously going for, and her delivery is robotic and contrived.

As for the production values, aside from the awful backdrop, the look is passable but the audio sounds like it was recorded in the bathroom using a Mister Microphone. The video transition at the end appears to have been done by the Obama kids after possibly sniffing glue.

Summery: All in all, this is the political equivalent of "Gigli" only with uglier, less talented actors, and worse script, sound, and set. A one-star steaming pile of pony-loaf, but probably ideal for the intended audience.

     
The Obamas star in "Get in the Game"

Chavez and Ahmadinejad Relationship Intensifies

TEHRAN (SR) - Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez visited Iran on Tuesday to spend some more "alone time" with soul-mate, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Iranian state television showed footage of Chavez being welcomed by Ahmadinejad with a lengthy embrace and back rub at the president's office. The men later left for two days of seclusion at Ahmadinejad's country home.

"The two presidents are looking forward to coming together and again pounding out a deep and meaningful expression of their common repect for each other," said Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Ramin Mehmanparast.

This was the ninth visit by Chavez to the Islamic republic.

My comments: That's a mental picture I could have done without. I don't know about you, but I need a margarita and a shower.

BFFs: Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Obama Portrays Himself As Luke Skywalker

COLUMBUS, Ohio (SR) - An increasingly desperate President Barack Obama warned an audience here that his administration is being attacked by a huge neo-Nazi paramilitary organization intent on controlling the populace under a brutal tyranny.

Dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi, the President worked the crowd of Democratic supporters into a frenzy as he gyrated about the stage waving a toy "light saber" and screaming, "They're fighting back! The Empire is striking back," apparently referring to the GOP.

Unfortunately, one woman near the stage was slightly hurt when two batteries flew from the light saber toy and struck her in the face. In addition, several people were taken to area hospitals after they were trampled by Obama supporters, reportedly high on crack cocaine, attempting to flee from the "striking Empire."

My comments: Wow, Barry really has a flair for the theatrical! Also, I think Michelle makes a better Wookie than the original, IMHO. Nice job, retards!

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - All news, no fat. Today's headlines:

First Lady Campaigns In Polling Place

With her privileged upbringing and top-dollar Ivy League education, one would assume Michelle Obama has at least some intelligence. Wrong. Every time this woman opens her mouth, she reminds us that money can't buy common sense, and that privilege doesn't breed character.

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 Sharron Angle and Harry Reid Debate

...And according to the Nevada press, the verdict is unanimous - Angle by a knockout!

Recap: Angle started out slowly, softening up Reid by verbally beating him about the head and shoulders. Suddenly, Angle sent the Senator sprawling to the mat with a vicious verbal flying drop-kick, where she proceeded to river-dance on his face and torso, before verbally ripping off his nuts and throwing them into the studio audience. The old commie never stood a chance.

Violent, brutal, incredibly satisfying.

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 Obama Stars On MTV Democrat Infomercial

Let's see, we had Barry talking for an hour to a bunch of hand-picked liberal/progressive nose-pickers about his accomplishments and aspirations, but according to MTV it wasn't a political endorsement of any party. Right.

I watched this lurid, liberal love-fest for as long as I possibly could, which turned out to be the length of time it took to introduce Barry. I found it to be very informative, and the kids looked just great!

Michelle Obama: Thanks For Keeping Spirits Clean

WASHINGTON (SR) - First Lady Michelle Obama struck a religious theme yesterday, thanking supporters for keeping "the spirits clean" around her and Barack.

"It means the world to us to know that there are prayer circles and people who want to keep the spirits clean around us," Mrs. Obama told fawning radio show host, Tom Joyner, by phone.

Apparently encouraged by Joyner's enthusiastic response, the First Lady unexpectedly started speaking in what a White House spokesperson later referred to as "holy tongues."

The following is a transcript of Mrs. Obama's remaining comments: "Oh shambalooa, shambalooa robbalooie, Oh bonka shamashama booie lama. Barry, barry bo arry, bonana fanna fo farry, fee fy mo marry, barry! Oompa loompa ping pang paddiwak, give da dog a bone. Oh shama lama bing bong bootie, rama dama rooty tootie, oh great Baal I beseech ye."

The phone connection was lost as Mrs. Obama began grunting in what sounded like a man's baritone voice.

My comments: Wow, you know it's election time when the Obamas suddenly trot out their deep spirituality!

 
First Lady Michelle practices her faith

White House: Americans Not Smart Enough To Know How Good We Are

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden separately delivered a message yesterday that Americans are essentially too stupid to grasp how effective their administration has been.

Speaking to a crowd at George Washington University, Obama blamed the public's dissatisfaction with his administration on the "24/7 news cycle."

"I've been surprised by how the news cycle here in Washington is focused on what's happening in the present, as opposed to what's happening in years to come," Obama told the baffled crowd. Over 100 people were later treated for severe headaches in connection with the statement.

Meanwhile en-route to a campaign appearance aboard Air Force 2, Joe Biden told a reporter that Democrats weren't running on the administration's accomplishments, because those accomplishments are "just too hard to explain."

"It's hard to get simple Americans to understand how well we've done with the economy when they're out of work. I guess you'd say they can't see the forest through the bushe... they can't see the trees because of the timb... the trees won't let them se... they're stupid as hell," explained Biden.

My comments: I'm not so sure how well this strategy of insulting the voters will work at the polls, but I can't wait to find out!

President Obama accuses his audience of not understanding time (or something like that)

Another Celebrity Accused Of Sending Lewd Photos

This story rated "R" for retarded - not suitable for anyone.

LAS VEGAS (SR) - In the wake of allegations that football superstar Brett Favre sent photos of his penis to former Jets game-day host and Playboy model Jennifer Sterger, rumors have surfaced that Scooter's Report media mogul, Scooter Van Neuter, sent lewd photos of himself to former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin earlier this year.

According to a source close to Palin, the images accompanied a series of text messages from Van Neuter requesting a private meeting, and offers of a "hot fondue massage."

"He like texted her every day, always wanting to rub hot cheese on her, and poke her with fondue forks and stuff. He also sent over 100 photos of his, you know, including a coffee table book with it dressed up in cute historical outfits - it was sickening," said the source who wished to remain anonymous.

Van Neuter vehemently denies the allegations, although admitted to possibly sending Palin an innocent photo or two in the past.

"I may have sent Mrs. Palin some pictures, but I'm pretty sure they were of rainbows or a pony or something like that. If other things got in the photo it was an accident, I assure you," Van Neuter told reporters this morning when reached at his luxury suite at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas.

Authorities are said to be investigating the incident, and reports indicate charges may be filed in the near future.

Full disclosure: This news site, Scooter's Report, is owned by Scooter Van Neuter.

My comments: No comment. Leave me alone.

 
Scooter Van Neuter, one of  over a hundred images allegedly sent to Palin

New North Korean Leader Presented

Pyongyang, DPRK (SR) - North Korean President Kim Jong Il appeared with heir apparent Kim Jong Un at a massive military parade yesterday.

The two Kims stood on a reviewing stand at Pyongyang's central square, watching wave after wave of military hardware manned by skeletal soldiers clad in too-large uniforms pass by below.

During the two hour parade, Kim Jong Il appeared to be irritated with his son, at one point angrily gesturing at food stains on the front of Un's suit, and later holding his nose as the young leader apparently broke wind.

This well-publicized event marks the formal introduction of the new North Korean leader to the world.

My comments: Wow, it looks like nobody's starving at the royal palace! I personally knew someone who moved to North Korea and became quite close to Kim Jong Il, and he really loved it over there.

Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un review N. Korea's military forces

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - News like you like it - hard and fast:

Dozens Fall Ill At Obama Rally

It seems three dozen people got pretty sick yesterday while listening to Barry speak at an event in Bowie, Maryland.

Normally this is where I make some kind of retarded snarky comment, but I'm going to pass on this one - it's way too easy.

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Government Spending Rises 9%

Lately, every time I hear Barry lecturing us on the dire need to reduce the trillion plus dollar deficit while he continues to spend money like a retard on crystal meth, I just want to puke my guts out - exactly like those people in the above story.

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 Reid Admits Obamacare Could Hurt His State

Holy cow, what's next - Reid admitting the Iraq war isn't lost? Truth coming from Harry Reid's lips is like fancy cupcakes coming from a monkey's butt - freakishly unnatural.

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September Job Losses: 95,000+

In a performance fitting an ex-crackhead community organizer-turned captain of the largest economy in the world, that economy continued it's leisurely cruise to Fail Island, en route to its final destination at the ocean's bottom.

Barry's brain-trust claim we need to spend a lot more money we don't have on more crap we don't need, in order to right this floundering party barge - the intellectual equivalent of saying the Titanic wouldn't have sunk if it had just been going faster when it hit the iceberg.

Let's pray that the captain (and his retarded crew) go down with this ship.

Michelle Named World's Most Powerful Woman

NEW YORK (SR) - First Lady Michelle Obama was ranked as the world's most powerful woman in Forbes magazine's annual list on Wednesday.

Moira Forbes, vice president and publisher of ForbesWoman, said that while most of the women on the business magazine's list were "shaping many of the agenda-setting conversations of the day," none could equal the sheer arm strength of Mrs. Obama.

"Pound for pound, no female on our list is as powerful as the First Lady. She climbs trees with amazing speed, and can literally rip a wild boar apart with her bare hands," said Forbes.

My comments: One look at those arms and thighs tells you she is very powerful. Thank God Michelle is finally proud of this country, I shudder to think of what she'd do to it (and us who live here) if she wasn't!

PS: I'm also getting sick of all these Michelle Obama stories. With her retarded husband about as popular as a case of anal warts these days, it seems the mainstream media has turned its fawning adoration to Mrs. O, and we have no choice but to follow their lead.

First Lady Michelle Obama (file photo)

Hillary Posturing For VP Job?

WASHINGTON (SR) - Despite denials from the White House that President Obama will bounce Joe Biden and take on Hillary Clinton as his running mate next election, there is increasing evidence it may be true.

Mrs. Clinton has recently been photographed in the company of the President sporting a new hairstyle, makeup, and more contemporary outfits, possible proof of a pairing political experts are calling the "dream ticket."

"It is clear that Mrs. Clinton is remaking her image into that of a younger, sexier woman to better compliment Barack's appeal to young voters." said one analyst. "She looks modern, fresh - absolutely fabulous."

My comments: Wow, who knew Hillary had that kind of hotness buried under all that ugly? Barry has my vote for sure if that fox is on the ticket!

  

First Lady Begs For Donations

WASHINGTON (SR) -First Lady Michelle Obama is asking her husband's supporters to send cash to fuel the campaigns of Democrats guaranteed to lose the upcoming election.

In an e-mail sent Monday, Mrs. Obama asked for donations as small as $3, saying each dollar would be matched by another supporter, assuming they can find some with money left over from their last welfare check.

"The plan for this election is based on the lessons we learned two years ago," Mr. Obama said. "Blame Bush, pretend to be Christians, deny our friends and associates, and raise a buttload of moolah. You can help with the last one."

My comments: The mere thought that there are adults who will actually send these commie retards more money compels me to mix a huge quantity margaritas...

First Lady Michelle pleads for money

Note: We apologize for the above photo, but it was the only one we could find on Google Images that showed the First Lady holding money. We don't know why she has a bone in her nose, but we consider it to be in extremely poor taste.

Ground Zero Mosque Design Revealed

 
NEW YORK (SR) - Design renditions of the Ground Zero mosque were released to the media today, showing a towering white structure featuring a facade composed of modern geometric shapes.

The building's developers have already been forced to issue a clarification, after observers pointed out that many of the shapes appear to resemble the Jewish symbol of the Star of David, and possibly spell out words or phrases.

"It's simply a bunch of lines," said Sharif El Gamal, the project's developer. "It's just like the Jews to think everything revolves around them. They suck."

My comments: I really like the design. The patterns it will project onto the surrounding buildings as it burns should be incredibly dramatic!

 

 

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SCOOTER'S REPORT - If it's news but not here, it's not.

Hip Hop Barack

Half-white President Barack Obama broke out his best impersonation of a hip black dude at a Democratic fund raiser Thursday night. The event featuring some talentless hip hop "artist"/future gunshot victim nobody over the age of 16 has ever heard of - no doubt a strong play for the Tea Party vote...

Yo, just when you thought an individual occupying the highest office in the land couldn't possibly act more undignified and/or retarded, Barry does. Again.

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Teary Emanuel Receives White House Send-off

It seems Rahm got all weepy when his colleagues presented him with a dead fish as a going away gift, in honor of the only incident in his political or professional career he will ever be remembered for.

Americans everywhere (except probably Chicago) are celebrating this profane, Godless leftard's departure from the White House hierchy.

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California Decriminalizes Marijuana Possession

In a possibly-related story, the Democratic Party announced today that they are relocating their national headquarters from Washington DC to San Francisco.

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Bin Laden Decries Global Warming

It's official - this homocidal carpet-kissing sheet-head just jumped the shark in truly dramatic fashion.

Poor, O - one minute the world's most feared terrorist, the next, an impotent, babbling disembodied voice doing his best impression of Nancy Pelosi discussing global thermal dynamics. Pathetic.

No word on the rumored sighting of Osama and Al Gore together in Cancun last weekend, but I'm thinking there's something to it.

President Obama (r) at Dem hip hop fundraiser