Scooter's Report

Democrats Infiltrate Tea Party Protests

BOSTON (SR) - In an effort to portray conservative tea party protesters as hateful racists, Democrat organizers deployed dozens of individuals to infiltrate tea party protests across the country today.

The people charged with disrupting the events were told to blend in with the crowds by looking as much like regular citizens as possible, but unfortunately most were quickly identified and kept isolated from the normal people.

"You could spot them a mile off," said one conservative protester, "Your average working, church-going American usually isn't a scrawny, pale guy or gal wearing Birkenstocks and reeking of pot, or making out with his/her/its same-sex partner."

While there were no police reports of violence, several infiltrators said tea party protesters damaged or destroyed their bongs, and others claimed emotional trauma from looking at so many U.S. flags.

My comments: It's impossible for these Godless commie mutants to imitate normal people, they need to stay in their bath houses and college campuses, and leave reality to those of us who understand it.

 

Liberal infiltrators stand out at tea party protest

Exposed: President's Secret Trip

WASHINGTON (SR) - Last Saturday morning President Barack Obama quietly left the White House without the press, a breach of protocol that infuriated the media and raised questions as to where he went.

Members of the White House press corps were told he was attending one of his daughter's soccer games in northwest Washington, D.C., but there was no soccer game at that time in the dangerous, rundown neighborhood, and nobody in the area reported seeing the president, his limousine, or the legion of Secret Service agents that would have been with him. Clearly the President lied.

We can report that we now know where the President went, thanks to an exhaustive investigation and video we've obtained from a security camera located in a neighborhood over a mile away from the soccer field in question.

Questions remain as to the nature of the secret trip, and why the President would leave not only the press, but apparently his security detail as well, especially when venturing into such a dangerous area. More on this as our investigation continues.

My comments: I'm guessing he just needed some fresh air. When I get like that I have another margarita. Join me?

President Obama leaves White House without security detail or press - why?

Pajama Party Photo Op

WASHINGTON (SR) - At what many are calling the "pajama party at Barry's house," 46 world leaders spent the day endlessly having their photos taken with President Obama at the White House.

The purpose of the event is to showcase the respect and admiration other leaders have for Obama in order to elevate his stature from that of an ignorant community organizer recklessly destroying his nation to that of "preeminent world leader, forging a new tomorrow."

So far the meeting has been a mixed success, with some world leaders displaying the hoped-for subservience to the new President, while others, such as Chinese President Hu Jintao and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, refused to play along.

"I cannot jeopardize the security and safety of my country on the advice of someone who ruined his own in just one year," Sarkozy told CBS News late Monday, essentially echoing an earlier statement by the Chinese president who referred to Obama as a "capitalist pinhead."

My comments: No doubt this shindig isn't going to actually accomplish anything meaningful, but the photos of Barry hanging out with all these real leaders do make him look important, so well done.

 

An aloof Chinese President Hu Jintao ignores President Obama

Missing Link Found?

Johannesburg - (SR) International scientists have announced that two skeletons discovered in a cave in Africa might prove to be the elusive missing link to human lineage.

Scientists don't know how the female and young male died, but it's possible they fell into the cave because they were "basically stupid."

The hominids feature human-like faces but much smaller brains, prompting researchers to dub the new species Liberalpinheadis. Many in the scientific community are calling the discovery the most important in the last century.

A computer simulation using the female skull (below) gives insight into what this possible human ancestor looked like, almost two million years ago.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, that thing looks dumb and dangerous - thank God it fell into that cave!

Netanyahu Cancels Summit Trip Amid Ambush Fears

JERUSALEM (SR) - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has canceled a planned trip to Washington next week for President Barack Obama's nuclear security summit conference.

He made the decision after learning of another country's plan to ambush him over Israel's presumed possession of nuclear weapons, a senior government official said on Friday. Israel is believed to be the only nuclear-armed power in the Middle East but has never confirmed or denied that it has atomic weapons. It has not signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, or NPT.

"The prime minister has decided to cancel his trip to Washington to attend the nuclear conference next week after learning of a hostile plan to publicly berate Israel and say we must sign the NPT," the official said. "Frankly, after the way the Prime Minister was treated last month, we're in no mood for more abuse from Obama - he can ambush somebody else."

My comments: The fact Obama was intending to abuse Netanyahu again isn't any big surprise, based on recent history. Good for Bibi for not giving Barry another chance to hate on our (former) allies!

 

Last meeting: Veteran statesman Obama lectures Netanyahu

Half Of Americans Don't Pay Taxes

WASHINGTON (SR) - Approximately 47 percent of Americans will pay no federal income tax at all for 2009, and 40 percent will actually profit from the current tax structure according to projections by the Tax Policy Center, a Washington research organization.

Last year, Obama signed the economic recovery law that expanded some tax credits and created a multitude of others. Almost all targeted low and middle-income families, commonly referred to as "Democrats."

While President Obama created tax cuts for low and middle-income families, he instituted tax increases for the wealthy, commonly referred to as "Republicans,"  arguing that wealthier taxpayers did well by working in the past decade, so it's only fair to give some of that money to those that didn't, also know as "Democrats."

In 2007 38 percent of Americans paid no federal income tax.

My comments: Hmmm, why do I have a feeling this 47 percent is the same 47 percent that feels Barry is doing a good job? I suppose it's comforting to know my hard-earned taxes are giving others the opportunity to hang out on the couch with a 40 ouncer all day, watching Oprah. Not.

Obama: Don't Call Islamic Terrorism Islamic

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama is having his advisers remove all references to Islam when referring to Muslim radicals waging war in the name of Islam. The move is part of Obama's strategy to gain favor with terrorists, with the hope they will give up their 1500 year religious edict to convert or kill all infidels.

While the document outlining the reclassification is still being written, the alternative to "Islamic terrorist" is reported to be "Friends who disagree."

Rewriting the strategy document as well as dismantling our nuclear weapons and specifying the degree of mass destruction we will accept before possibly using them is the latest example of Obama putting his brief community organizing experience to work shaping the foreign policy of the most powerful nation on earth.

My comments: Pretending these Godless carpet-kissers aren't killing in the name of their antichrist religion (which we can't mention) is strategic genius on a scale mere mortals cannot comprehend. I'll pour, mortals.

 

Not Islamic terrorists

Obama Limits Nuclear Arms Use

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama said Monday he is altering American nuclear strategy to clearly define conditions under which the United States would use nuclear weapons. This breaking with a longstanding policy of reserving the right to use overwhelming destructive force against any country that attacks us.

Mr. Obama described the new policy as part of his effort to make nuclear weapons obsolete, at least in America, with the hope it will move other countries to abandon theirs. To set an example, the new strategy will stop the development of any new nuclear weapons while calling for the "callous abuse and neglect" of existing ones.

The new strategy specifies to what extent other countries may attack the United States with the assurance of no nuclear retaliation. Included in the list of acceptable attacks with no nuclear response are:

• The partial or total destruction of the South and/or Midwestern U.S.
• Chemical and/or biological attacks in general
• Limited nuclear attacks that destroy less than 82% of the total population
• Mass cyber attacks as long as they don't destroy access to 70% (or more) of gay porn. pro-abortion, and anti-Christian sites

In addition, the new strategy stipulates "no retaliation of any type" for any attack against the state of Texas.

"My goal is to take away that fear of uncertainty that for years has hampered many countries from pursuing their legitimate right to strategic planning," Obama told reporters.

My comments: Well I don't know about you, but I feel safer already! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita before we get back to digging that bomb shelter, shall we?

 

Two world leaders respond to new U.S. strategy

Next: Law Requiring Gay Hires

WASHINGTON (SR) - After proving they can pass legislation with absolutely no bipartisan support, emboldened House Democrats are resurrecting a bill sponsored by Rep. Barney Frank (Pervert - Mass.) that would make employers susceptible to lawsuits for refusing to hire "gay" or transsexual employees.

The Deviant Employee Hiring Act, or DEHA, makes it unlawful for businesses with 15 or more employees to refuse hire or promotion of anyone based on "gender-related identity, appearance or mannerisms or other gender-related characteristics of an individual, with or without regard to the individual's designated sex at birth."

One prominent Republican House member stated the obvious to this reporter: "Barney Frank knows he doesn't have a prayer getting re-elected - it's the only hope this Godless rump-riding pervert has of scoring a real job."

My comments: Unfortunately I have to announce that due to the economy, I'm reducing my workforce from 15 to 14 employees. We'll miss you Mom!

Rep. Barney Frank

Empty...

...thank God.
Happy Resurrection Sunday.

Obama: Quit Criticizing Me

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Obama said in an interview with CBS News that people are unfairly lashing out at him, and called on his critics to "turn down the rhetoric."

"Look, the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks can call me a socialist all they want, but nationalizing America's banks, industries, and the entire healthcare system doesn't make me any more a socialist than you asking me questions makes you an interviewer," Obama told CBS's Harry Smith.

In the interview President Obama also expressed frustration with the level of criticism being levied at his administration: "See, I think the average American on welfare knows that I'm doing a good job, and if business owners and working people would look past their own self interests, they'd think the same."

My comments: I'm sorry, but every time Barry opens his pie hole I dislike him even more, if that were possible. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita and look forward to celebrating someone slightly more worthy this weekend!

Clinton Pushes Canada To Kill Babies

ONTARIO (SR) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton weighed in Tuesday on the debate over the Canadian government's G8 maternal and child health initiative, strongly insisting that abortion is necessary for "maternal health."

"You cannot have maternal health without reproductive health, and reproductive health includes dismembering babies with forceps and sucking their little bodies from the mother's womb," she told reporters when asked about Canada's initiative.

Reacting to Clinton's comments, Mary Ellen Douglas, national organizer for Campaign Life Coalition, said, “How dare this Godless shrew promote the murder of babies in our country. If she's really that concerned about preventing unwanted births around the world, I suggest she lop off Bill's d*ck."

My comments: Man, liberals just can't get enough of killing babies, and it drives them absolutely crazy when others won't do it too. Let's lift our margaritas in a toast to every person who stands in opposition to these Godless liberal bastages!

Sarkozy And Obama Meet, Pretend To Like Each Other

WASHINGTON (SR) - French President Nicolas Sarkozy and President Obama met at the White House Tuesday to discuss global issues, and attempt to play down trans-Atlantic speculation that the men (and their wives) dislike each other.

The two leaders went out of their way to praise each other while appearing before reporters. In a show of affection, President Obama repeatedly referred to Sarkozy as "My Lil' Nicky," and spoke fondly of his trip to Paris last year. Sarkozy in turn congratulated Obama for dissing the Jews and also winning the admiration of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez.

Despite the show of unity, reports from behind the scenes tell a different story. White House sources say Obama continues to have little good to say about the conservative Sarkozy, privately referring to the French leader as "the munchkin." Likewise, according to the French press, Sarkozy likes to refer to President Obama and the First Lady as "Buckwheat and Bigfoot."

Both the French president and his wife are said to be terrified of Mrs. Obama who Mrs. Sarkozy once described to friends as a "shaved Wookie."

My comments: I thought that "Wookie" thing was a joke until I really started to think about it, now I'm not so sure. Hey, who's up for a delicious margarita?

 

Obamas and Sarkozys: No love lost?

Today's Motivation

 
My comments: I made this great motivational poster to show that this site is about more than just criticizing, we also build hope. Right now I hope I have more margarita mix!

Bummer: Obama Survives Afghanistan Visit

KABUL (SR) - Just a week after President Obama signed into law his wildly-unpopular healthcare bill, America woke this morning to more bad news - that the President was on his way safely home after secretly visiting one of the most dangerous places on earth, Afghanistan.

"We are confirming that President Obama was not beheaded with a butter knife by a Taliban operative working within Afghan President Hamid Karzai's security detail this morning," Fox News reported to a stunned nation Sunday. "The President is unharmed and returning to start work on his plan to grant citizenship to 12 million illegal aliens before the November elections."

One angry Florida resident summed up the thoughts of many Americans: "Wall-to-wall Islamic terrorists in Afghanistan and Barry flies in and out on Air Force One without suffering so much as a hangnail. The Taliban deserve to be killed, they totally suck at what they do."

As the crushing news of Obama's well-being set in, millions of grieving Americans turned to their faith, filling churches across the country, while millions of others quietly suffered behind closed doors, fearful and apprehensive of the White House's next move.

My comments: Talk about missed opportunities! At this point I guess the best we can hope for is that Lincoln's ghost will push Barry down the stairs or something. Damn.

 

Afghan President Hamid Karzai and President Obama

Transportation Dept Embraces Bicycles Over Cars

WASHINGTON (SR) - Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking far greater economic consideration than driving.

“Today I want to announce a sea change,” said LaHood. “This is the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized.”

LaHood's goal is to pattern America's transportation system after Cambodia's, where a few cars share crumbling roads choked with tens of thousands of bicycles, mopeds, and oxcarts. 

"Cars go too fast, are way too complicated to operate, and are causing Mother Earth to overheat like crazy. I hate them,"  LaHood recently wrote, prompting automobile manufacturer's stocks to plummet, and 38 dealerships to close across the country.

My comments: His comments forced me to honestly reflect on the fact that every time I start my 500 horsepower Corvette Grand Sport at least one polar bear and maybe 10 - 20 trees die somewhere. Fortunately it doesn't bother me - let's go dust some bicyclists with burnt rubber!

 

UN Praises Obamacare

ATLANTA (SR) - The head of the U.N. World Health Organization on Wednesday praised the Obama healthcare reform bill as a much-needed breakthrough.

"It's time the United States has the same miserable level of healthcare as the rest of the world," said WHO Director General Margaret Chan, "President Obama has made that a reality."

She was speaking to reporters after a lecture in which she argued that unrestricted market forces were limited as a means of providing for the lazy and nonproductive, and that eradicating prosperity is the only way to bring everyone down to a common level.

"Until successful working individuals experience the same general health as a crack whore or transient, there can be no equality in healthcare," said Chan.

My comments: OK, now I know this Obamacare thing stinks to Hell! When those Godless bastages at the UN like something, you can bet it sucks for America. I need a margarita, and fast.

 

WHO Director General Margaret Chan

Obama Sulks After Netanyahu Meeting

WASHINGTON (SR) - Talks between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday apparently failed to satisfy Obama's demand that the Israelis stop building homes in their own country's capital city.

So far the White House has been silent on the outcome of the terse meeting, and relations are at the lowest point in decades between the two countries. President Obama is said to be withdrawn and discouraged - even to the point of not eating, since the discussion.

While Netanyahu's office said the talks unfolded in "good atmosphere," White House insiders say President Obama quickly became frustrated with the Israeli Prime Minister's refusal to cave, at one point loudly yelling, "Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea who you're f*cking with?" Netanyahu was said to have responded by "wiping his butt" on a framed portrait of the First Lady.

After the meeting, a laughing Netanyahu was overheard telling an aide that he "made Barry cry like a little girl." A White House spokesperson later denied the report, saying "...the President was simply momentarily afflicted with allergy-like symptoms that gave the appearance of crying," adding, "Netanyahu is a filthy, lying Jew."

My comments: Wow, it sounds like Barry has a hard time with "no," just like me when I'm on a date! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we pray this incident doesn't bruise Barry's delicate self esteem!

ACORN Folds, Cities Brace For Crime

Chicago (SR) - Community activist group ACORN announced Monday it is folding as a result of falling revenues brought on by the government de-funding the group amid charges of widespread fraud and excessive social retardation.

"Right wing activists have taken away our ability to raise the resources we need," said an ACORN spokesman, "and last time I checked, you can't buy crack without resources. We're outa here."

Major cities around the country are bracing for the expected increase in prostitution and property crime associated with the ACORN employees losing their jobs: "Crime's going to go through the roof," said one Chicago police officer. "At least while working for ACORN they were only stealing from the government."

My comments: Oh crap, that's all we need are thousands more illiterate crooks on the streets. I guess the good news is that now our tax dollars can go to something more worthwhile, like hiring 17,000 additional IRS employees for that Obamacare abortion!

Conservatives Celebrate Dems' Mass Suicide

WASHINGTON (SR) - Millions of conservatives celebrated into the night Sunday after the House, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard-CA) passed the healthcare reform bill against the wishes of an overwhelming majority of Americans.

While Republicans toasted their upcoming return to power, Democrats basked in the glow of their victory, especially Rep. Patrick Kennedy (Commie-R.I.), son of the late Sen. Ted Kennedy, who tearfully told reporters that the healthcare bill fulfilled his father's legacy*. Rep. Kennedy's abandoned car was later found partially submerged in the Potomic River.

Sunday's historic vote was proceeded by the Democrats' staged photo-op of Speaker Pelosi, carrying a giant gavel, jubilantly leading her fellow House members to the Capitol building. One witness described the surreal scene as "like the Pied Piper, if the Pied Piper was a twitching, over-botoxed, under-medicated, mentally and morally-challenged old hosebag, wielding a giant hammer instead of a flute, and the rats were, well, rats."

Unfortunately, the festive procession disbanded after Speaker Pelosi accidentally hit herself in the head "five or six times" with the giant gavel. Later, Pelosi again sustained what were described as "numerous head and chest contusions" while attempting to gavel the bill's passing. Several House members close to Pelosi were also reportedly injured, although none seriously.

*The "wanting healthcare for everybody" legacy, not "the getting drunk, womanizing, and killing people" legacy.

My comments: Yahoo! Finally my stupid rich neighbors can buy me the lip implants and anal smoothing I've always wanted! If this doesn't warrant a couple dozen margaritas, nothing does!

Speaker Nancy Pelosi accidentally strikes herself with gavel

Pelosi Asks St. Joseph To Kill Babies

WASHINGTON (SR) - Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Retard/CA.) said in a news conference today she is "praying to Saint Joseph" for passage of the healthcare reform bill that many expect will bankrupt America while destroying the greatest healthcare system in the history of the world.

"I'm praying to St. Joseph, the patron saint of workers, for passage of this bill that will help many Americans obtain the healthcare and free abortions they so desperately need," said the twitching Pelosi.

When questioned why she's asking a Catholic saint to facilitate a plan that includes the free wholesale slaughter of innocent babies, Pelosi insisted, as she has before, that "Jesus would be a big fan of it if He were alive today. Or real."

My comments: Knowing that Nancy is a 'religious' woman almost makes me not want to run over her in a Hummer full of fat people. Almost. Anyway, let's relax with a cool, delicious margarita while we look forward to the rapidly-approaching day when this Godless pinhead is out of office and out of our lives.

New Pelosi Strategy: Change Bill Name

WASHINGTON (SR) - Sources close to Rep. Nancy Pelosi (Retard/CA) say she is prepared to divide the healthcare reform bill into 27 parts, and rename each as the "Save the Puppies Act," should her present effort to "dream" the bill into passage prove unsuccessful.        

When asked if the rumor was true, Pelosi's office denied any knowledge of the plan, but did allude to the possibility that numerous emergency bills may be needed to save millions of cute, fluffy puppies from being thrown out of airplanes.

Our sources say the individual bills would have to be passed immediately, due to the fact the airplanes full of puppies are already in the air. Lawmakers would have the opportunity to read the bills after they had been signed into law by President Obama.

More on this as it develops.

My comments: Even though it sounds fishy, can we afford not to support the passage of legislation that saves puppies? Of course the answer is no. Let's pray they move fast on this thing, but I'm setting up big nets in my back yard just in case.

Obama Sways Kucinich

WASHINGTON (SR) - U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich announced Wednesday that he had changed his mind, and would be voting 'yes' on a healthcare reform bill he earlier rejected as not being Marxist enough.

The diminutive Congressman's change of heart/loss of spine comes the day after he was invited to travel with the President and First Lady aboard Air Force One to Cleveland, where Obama gave a speech supporting his plan.

"I have doubts about the bill," Kucinich said. "This is not the communist bill I wanted to support. However, after spending some quality time yesterday with the President and sweet, sweet Michelle My Belle, I’ve decided to cast a vote in favor of the legislation, right after I get tested for STDs."

Kucinich's sudden reversal puts Democrats one vote closer to passing the incredibly unpopular bill, and elevating his popularity with the average American from "simply despised" to "loathed to the point of puking," according to polls.

My comments: Let's have a delicious margarita and try not to think about what the heck was going on in our airplane - hopefully they put down plastic or something!

 

Rep. Kucinich: "I'm voting 'yes' now."

Netanyahu To Obama: "I've Got Your Demands Right Here"

JERUSALEM (SR) - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded sharply to White House demands that he scrap plans for 1,600 new Jewish homes in Jerusalem, deepening tensions between the two countries.

In a speech Monday, the Israeli Prime Minister insisted that construction would continue, despite what he called "barked demands from some pompous little douche working on behalf of our enemies."

The White House had condemned Israel's plan to build the houses in  a series of strong admonishments delivered through Foreign Secretary Hillary Clinton and Vice President Biden, finally culminating in a blunt demand that the plan be scrapped altogether.

"I've got your demands right here," Netanyahu said Monday in Parliament while grasping his crotch to thunderous applause, but many in Israel worry that the defiant gesture will further erode an already near-total lack of support from the Obama administration.

My comments: Good for Bibi! I guess he decided to put his own country's interests ahead of kneeling to an arrogant, Godless envoy for Israel's enemies. Here's to real leadership (toast margarita here).

Prime Minister Netanyahu responds to Obama's demands

Muslims Protest Obama Visit To Indonesia

JAKARTA, Indonesia (SR) -  Thousands of followers of a conservative Islamic group held demonstrations Sunday in several Indonesian cities against the planned visit of President Barack Obama.

"We know Obama spent his childhood in Indonesia, but he's not any more a Muslim than he is a Christian - we don't know what the hell he is, but we do know we'd love to cut his head off," said protest leader Nasruden.

President Obama is scheduled to visit Indonesia later this month.

My comments: In the spirit of promoting peaceful ties with the Indonesian Islamic community and setting the stage for the President's visit, I am distributing to newspapers, mosques, and Islamic schools throughout Indonesia the same Obama goodwill cards we've sent to our Middle Eastern Barack Fan Club members. I hope it helps!

 

Whales, Tigers, More Whales

Sushi Chef Charged With Serving Whale

SANTA MONICA (SR) - A California sushi chef and the restaurant in which he worked have been charged with illegally serving meat from a whale, the Justice Department said on Thursday.

In a possibly related story, authorities in Florida are investigating "suspicious injuries" to Tilikum, the retired whale that killed a trainer at Sea World last month. Reportedly the killer whale is missing a flipper and part of its tail.

_____________________________

Tiger Woods likely to play at Masters tournament

AUGUSTA, GEORGIA (SR) - Sources close to Tiger Woods said it is "very likely" he will return to action at next month's Masters Tournament at August Georgia."There's always plenty of hot, big-boobed bimbettes at the Masters, I don't think "T" can help himself, he'll play," said the pro golfer close to Woods.

No word yet on whether Woods will play golf in the upcoming tournament, one of golf's biggest.

_____________________________

Lesbian Sues School Over Prom

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI (SR) - A lesbian student is suing because her high school canceled the prom in response to her request to wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend.

A spokesman for the school district said the cancellation had "less to do with the fact the student is a lesbian and more to do with the fact she is a fat lesbian."

"If she was smoking hot, there would be no problem, but come on, this chick in a tuxedo dirty dancing with another heffalump would be like watching a Sea World show 'gone wild,' only without all the killing."

_____________________________

My comments: That last story made me throw up in my mouth a little - thankfully nothing a delicious margarita can't fix. Join me?

No, this is not an article

I'm traveling burned out traveling again still burned out, please talk among yourselves.

Pelosi Saves Healthcare Reform!

WASHINGTON (SR) - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's statement yesterday at the healthcare summit that the Democrat's healthcare reform plan will create "four million jobs, 400,000 almost immediately - and not just jobs, but jobs in the entrepreneurial world," appears to have rescued the legislation.

Based on Pelosi's scientific calculations, the  GOP today threw their unanimous support behind the President's modified Senate healthcare reform bill. "We had no idea it would create so many millions of entrepreneurial jobs, how can we possibly object?" GOP leader Michael Steele told reporters today.

When pressed on how and where she came up with the job figures, Speaker Pelosi told reporters Friday, "Simple, that's how many entrepreneurial government employees it'll take to make it work."

My comments: Why didn't the Democrats tell us this in the first place? Let's celebrate our coming national prosperity (and free healthcare!) with a delicious margarita! :)

Bipartisan Health Summit Live!

WASHINGTON (Scooter's Report Live From Blair House Via Blackberry) - This morning a bipartisan group from the House and Senate will sit down with President Obama to discuss the President's proposed healthcare legislation. I will report this historic event live for the next six hours, followed by commentary and interviews.

I noticed that up close Nancy Pelosi appears to be made of candle wax or perhaps some kind of resin. Her perfume (Elizabeth Taylor's 'White Diamonds', if I'm not mistaken) doesn't quite conceal an underlying odor of urine and Vicks VapoRub.

So far everyone seems to be friendly, not counting Charles Rangel's heinous crop-dusting of several Republicans in the hallway. I saw Mitch McConnell retaliate by quietly replacing Biden's notes with what looks like a comic book.

In a generous display of bipartisanship, Rep. John Boehner presents Speaker Pelosi with a behind the scenes "Swim With Tilikum" guest pass to Sea World in Orlando, which I feel is very classy. Maybe these two sides can come together!

President Obama comes into the room and shakes hands with everybody, then the members are seated at four tables forming a large square, with Democrats sitting in chairs, and Republicans on what look like little stools.

It sounds like someone put a whoopee cushion on somebody's chair, or maybe it's Rangel again - I can't tell. The President is seated in the middle of the "A" table with Biden, Pelosi, Reid, etc. He's holding an ornate jewel-encrusted goblet of some sort. Pelosi's dress is a little hiked up, and I momentarily turn gay before looking away.

The President convenes the meeting. Biden thumbs through a couple pages of the comic book, then nods off. President Obama is talking about the skyrocketing expense of healthcare. Oh crap, It looks like I forgot to charge my Blackberry last night so I may ha

Democrats: Nuclear Option An Arrogant Power Grab

WASHINGTON (SR) - Embarrassed Democrats are scrambling to distance themselves from a 2005 video recently posted on Breitbart.tv that shows them railing against a Republican threat to utilize the "nuclear option," the same political tactic the Dems are now threatening to use to pass their wildly unpopular government healthcare plan.

Vice President Biden, shown in the video saying, "I pray (to?) God when the Democrats take back control we don't make the kind of naked power grab you (Republicans, not God?) are doing," told MSNBC Wednesday morning that he was on "some crazy medication" that day, and had "no idea" what he was saying. He later told a reporter for the Boston Herald that his "thoughts and speech were being controlled by space aliens" at the time.

In response to questions concerning then-Senator Obama's insistence in the video that the nuclear option was never intended by our founding fathers to be used in this manner, the White House issued a statement accusing Breitbart of "manipulating" the video to portray Obama as an "arrogant, stuttering, big-eared putz saying things he didn't."

Breitbart has yet to comment on the White House's statement.

My comments: Like anal warts on a Berkeley professor, video always comes back to haunt you! Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we watch Barry and his Godless minions scramble to revise history!

Senator Biden in 2005: Controlled by space aliens?

Senator: Investigate Global Warming, Waterboard Gore

WASHINGTON (SR) - Senator James Inhofe asked the Obama administration today to investigate the actions of climate scientists revealed by the Climategate Files, and demanded Attorney General Eric Holder find, arrest, and torture Al Gore.

“In [Gore's] science fiction movie, every assertion has been rebutted,” Inhofe said. "This bloviating leftist gas-bag needs to be waterboarded into finally telling the truth, as if he had any concept of what that is."

Gore's former boss, Bill Clinton, was quick to come to his colleague's defense, calling Inhofe's comments "ridiculous," and saying Gore "could no more tell a lie than me."

Mr. Gore has not been seen since the Climategate incident collapsed the global warming argument. Reports indicate he may be living abroad under an assumed identity.

My comments: Al Gore definitely deserves to be tortured for making us use these stupid squiggly light bulbs. I hope they find him.

Possible Al Gore sighting?

Obama and Healthcare: "Like A Retard With Something Shiny"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Verifying French President Nicolas Sarkozy's recent controversial comment about President Obama's increasingly-bizarre fixation with enacting legislation Americans clearly don't want, Obama released his own version of Obamacare to the public today.

The central theme of the President's plan is taxes - lot's of them, starting with, inexplicably,  pharmaceutical companies. "Until we actually, you know, start raising the price of medications, we'll never bring down costs to consumers," Robert Gibbs told confused White House reporters Monday.

In response to Obama's new plan, House Republican Leader John Boehner echoed Sarkozy's earlier statement using an Olympic theme, saying "It's sort of like watching an athlete in an Olympic event, except it's Obama in the Special Olympics, and he's gone off course chasing a kitty."

My comments: I personally object to these comparisons to mentally-challenged individuals, as they're obviously a hell of a lot sharper than some "smart guy" who purposely keeps running into the same tree, while hoping for different results.

Tiger: I'm Sorry

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla. (SR) -  Tiger Woods apologized Friday for cheating on his wife and said he is unsure when he will return to competitive golf.

"I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. I got freaky. What I did was not acceptable, and frankly a few of the things I did aren't even legal in some states," said Woods, looking composed and speaking in a steady voice. His wife, Elin, was not with him although he was accompanied by a woman identified as his therapist.

The whole event carried an air of formality, as Woods, dressed in a suit with an open-collared dress shirt but no pants, spoke from behind a podium backed by a blue curtain.

Woods' statement came during the Match Play Championship, sponsored by Accenture.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, if that's what a therapist looks like, I need help! Until I can afford a therapist, I guess a margarita will have to do...

PS: Is that a hickey on her neck?

Woods arrives with his therapist, apologizes to nation, family.

Biden Blows Ash Wednesday

WASHINGTON (SR) - Vice President Joe Biden's attempt to observe the Catholic holy day of Ash Wednesday left onlookers, including President Obama, shaken yesterday.

Biden appeared at an event marking the one-year anniversary of the economic stimulus package Wednesday with a noticeable dark smudge on his forehead, leading most to assume that Biden, a Catholic, was observing Ash Wednesday.

Unfortunately to all within range of the Vice President, that smudge turned out to be human fecal matter, prompting many to leave the room and sickening one reporter to the point she had to be hospitalized.

"Oh, jeez! I honestly have always thought it was "Ass Wednesday," a clearly-embarrassed  Biden replied after being told he had poop instead of ash on his face. An aide produced a wet paper towel and quickly wiped the offending substance from Biden's forehead, leaving what appeared to be a nasty diaper rash.

My comments: Hey, who among us hasn't made that mistake before?

Vice President Joe Biden observes "Ass Wednesday"

CNN Obama Poll: Re-election - NO, Torture - YES

ATLANTA (SR) - In a new CNN poll, only 44 percent of all Americans said they would vote to re-elect the president in two and a half years, and then only if someone gave them a ride to the polling place and held their crack pipe and beer while they voted.

52 percent of Americans said President Barack Obama does not deserve re-election in 2012, but does deserve to be tied to a tree while a gang of drunken midgets wielding wiffle bats attack his nuts.

The CNN poll, conducted Feb. 12-15, has a three percent margin of error.

My comments: I personally don't think Barry has much to worry about, as he's still got a lot of support with midgets, although that may diminish when they get drunk.
Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we think about this.

Republicans Support Obama "Save The Senate" Tour

WASHINGTON (SR) - In a bizarre twist, the GOP is donating millions to President Obama's "Save the Senate" tour, as the President heads west this week to campaign for two embattled Democrats trailing badly against Republican challengers - including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada.

GOP leader Michael Steele said his party will "do everything in our power" to facilitate President Obama's efforts to campaign on behalf of Democrat Senators battling to keep their jobs, including paying all expenses, and coordinating "extensive" press coverage.

Reportedly several of the Senators Obama plans to visit have requested the President send money in lieu of personally appearing or speaking on their behalf.

Sen. Reid's campaign issued a statement thanking the President for his concern, but asking Obama "not mention my name or come to my state." Another Democrat Senator is said to be leaving on an "emergency vacation" to avoid being photographed with the President.

My comments: Oh jeez, like these douchebags aren't going to have a hard enough time getting re-elected, here comes the one guy they're trying to disassociate themselves from! Where do I donate to Barry's rescue mission?

Climategate Scientist: Al Gore Ate Relevant Notes

NORWICH, UK (SR) - The researcher at the center of the ‘Climategate’ affair, whose raw data is crucial to the theory of climate change, has admitted that he no longer has much of the information needed to support the theory of man-made global warming.

The reason Professor Phil Jones has refused Freedom of Information requests for his research data is that Al Gore apparently ate the relevant papers during a visit last year.

"Professor Jones told me he saw Mr. Gore eating reams of documents," one of Jone's co-workers told our reporter. "The next day I personally saw evidence in Mr. Gore's hotel loo that gave credence to the story - easily the biggest paper turd I've ever seen in my life."

The missing data was crucial to the famous ‘hockey stick graph’ used by climate change advocates such as Mr. Gore to support their theory of global warming.

My comments: This doesn't surprise me, as I remember then-Vice President Gore eating the original Kenneth Starr Clinton/Lewinsky report back in the day - all 480 pages of it.

Taliban Vows New Style Guerrilla Warfare

KABUL (SR) - The Taliban vowed on Thursday to fight back with a "new style hit and run" guerrilla campaign against Western and Afghan forces preparing to storm one of their key strongholds in southern Afghanistan.

The NATO assault against the town of Marjah in the Helmand province dubbed "Operation Sheethead Shootfest (OSS)" is expected to begin within days and aims to drive out kill the Taliban, and replace their perverted, retarded society with something more human-like.

In a defiant statement on their website, the Taliban described their new style guerrilla warfare as a modified form of the classic "hit and run" strategy they have labeled "sh*t and run."

"We will attack the infidels with deadly evasive maneuvers, crapping our pants and running all over the place, hopefully hiding before they kill us. The infidels will tire, then go crazy, then go home," the statement said.

My comments: That's not a new strategy, I've employed that fighting style for years!
Let's mix some margaritas while we wait for the fun to begin!

Taliban practicing new "sh*t and run" guerrilla tactics

Michelle Obama Attempts To Defend Husband

WASHINGTON (SR) - Michelle Obama appeared on "Good Morning America" to defend her husband against recent criticism from Sarah Palin.

"I think my husband has done a phenomenal job staying on course, looking his critics in the eye, coming up with clear solutions and and HAHAHAHAHAHAHeeeeeeehee!! Oh God I'm sorry, I just can't do that with a straight face," the First Lady told stunned interviewer Robin Roberts.

"Look, he's an ex-crackhead who's never had a real job, and his political experience consists of community organizing, whatever the hell that is, and a fruitless term in the Senate where his most memorable stands on key issues amounted to him voting 'present,'" said Mrs. Obama. "All things considered, the fact there's still an America after a year of him running the show is absolutely phenomenal. He's a retard."

Later the White House issued a statement saying Mrs. Obama had misspoke during the interview due to an "unexpected adverse reaction to a very strong prescription full-body depilatory."

My comments: Wow, I don't know what a "depilatory" is, but it must be really strong! Let's have a margarita while we Google it.

White House: Obama Critics Helping Al Qaeda

WASHINGTON (SR) - Assistant to the President and Deputy National Security Advisor for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism (ATTPADNSAFHSAC), John Brennan, accused President Obama's critics of "serving the goals of al Qaeda" in a USA Today op-ed Tuesday.

"Terrorists are not 100-feet tall, nor are they all bad people. Most Islamic jihadists are really very nice people, and certainly not worthy of the rank vilification they receive from conservatives," writes Brennan. "By portraying them as dangerous, conservatives are instilling terror, thus becoming the real terrorists."

In his op-ed on behalf of the Obama administration titled "We need no lectures': terrorists are people too," Brennan writes "...it all boils down to this - national security should never get in the way of trying to make new friends."

The administration op-ed is in response to an earlier USA Today editorial entitled "Obama's national security team: These coddling, clueless liberal pussies are going to get us all killed."

My comments: While I applaud Brennan's attempt at calming the harsh rhetoric toward our Islamic adversaries, I wish he would channel that positive energy into just blowing the crap out of more of them. Seriously.

ATTPADNSAFHSAC John Brennan (left)

Khamenei: Our Punch Will Stun The World

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Monday that his country will deliver a punch that will stun the Western world during this week's 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution.

"The Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace will serve a powerful punch that will leave them (Western powers) stunned," Khamenei told a gathering of air force personnel.

The Pentagon brushed aside the Iranian leader's threat, saying intelligence sources indicate the punch does not constitute a serious danger to the United States.

"We believe it's the same common Middle Eastern yogurt and fruit punch, "Mango Lassi," with maybe some rat poison or antifreeze added. We suggest Westerners just not drink it," said a Pentagon spokesman.

Khamenei was at the Tehran air force base to announce the formation of Iran's first tactical heavy bomber wing.

My comments: I wouldn't drink punch made with yogurt even without the rat poison. Also, I'm not all that impressed with their stupid air force. Let's enjoy a delicious margarita while we cower in our bomb shelters:)

 

New Iranian tactical heavy bomber

Obama: We'll Look At Stupid Republican Ideas

WASHINGTON (SR) - Two days after the White House again reiterated that jobs creation is its first priority, President Obama pledged to increase efforts to advance his unpopular healthcare legislation.

Speaking with Katie Couric on Sunday before the Super Bowl, Obama announced an upcoming televised meeting with Republican and Democratic leaders, apparently bowing to sharp criticism of his administration's almost total lack of transparency and bipartisanship.

"I'm interested at looking at whatever Republican ideas are out there, no matter how stupid or ridiculous they are," the President told the fawning Couric.

Most Republicans are less than enthused about the President's overture, especially after an unnamed source in the White House leaked a portion of the meeting game plan that instructs the television camera operators to "catch Republicans nodding off, picking their noses, scratching their genitals, looking or acting angry, confused, bored, or weird, or whispering to each other like they're planning a robbery."

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R-Oh.) released a  statement later Sunday that said in part: "If they (Democrats) can pull off a televised event that portrays themselves as anything other than Godless, self-serving, socialist pinheads with the aggregate IQ of a broken Lava Lamp, they deserve an Emmy."

My comments: I know I sure wouldn't want to be in that televised meeting, what with my Tourette's, Jimmy legs, and uncontrollable belching/farting. The Republicans better watch themselves - I don't trust Barry and his minions.

President Obama answers a personal question off-camera with Katie Couric

Sarkozy Slams Obama

PARIS (SR) - French President Nicolas Sarkozy has recently become sharply critical of Barack Obama, according to an article published this week in the French daily Le Monde.

In a recent interview Sarkozy was asked to compare his electoral record to Obama's, says the piece. "Obama has been in power for a year, and he has already lost three special elections, Me, I have won two legislative elections and the EU election. Someone's on the 'Fail Boat' and it isn't me," he reportedly replied with a grin.

The article also details a television interview with Sarkozy about his attempt to reform several sectors of French government simultaneously, where he said of Obama's making health care reform his sole focus: "He's like a retard with something shiny, it's all he can think about."

On a humorous note, the piece reports that when recently asked about the Obamas not finding the time to dine with Sarkozy and his wife in Paris last fall, Sarkozy replied, "They had no choice, Michelle couldn't be out during the full moon."

My comments: While I'm not so sure I like that snotty remark about the First Lady, I still appreciate Sarkozy's spunk. Let's raise a delicious margarita toast to the little scrapper!

Obamas and Sarkozys in happier times

Dem Candidates Distance Themselves From "Loser Obama"

WASHINGTON (SR) - Like so many rabid weasels, Democratic incumbents and candidates are publicly turning against their formerly-beloved leader, Barack Obama, in a desperate attempt to keep their jobs.

It seems no matter who one talks to, Obama's party faithful suddenly have little good to say about him or his initiatives. "I've never liked that arrogant SOB," Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark) told hometown reporters, "He's everything I'm against, and if he was here now, I'd kick him in the nuts."

In the swing state of Missouri, Democratic Senate candidate Robin Carnahan wasted little time this week denouncing Obama's budget as "totally f*cked."

"I'm disappointed in the president's budget recommendation," said Carnahan, "Missouri families have to balance their checkbooks, but Barry's spending money like a crackhead who's won the lottery, which I guess in a way he is."

However, Republicans are ridiculing Carnahan's sudden swing, and have tagged her "Rubberstamp Robin'' for her enthusiastic support of every Obama initiative, including his healthcare plan and extending late-term abortion to 48 months. "She lies like a rug - if she wasn't a lesbian she'd gladly have Obama's baby," said one GOP Senator.

My comments: I guess that's the politics of fail - one minute you're the messiah, the next you're the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Let's enjoy a cool, delicious margarita while we reflect on Barry's unfortunate transformation.

Democratic Senate candidate Robin Carnahan (left)

Ahmadinejad Threatens Harsh Blow, Barney Frank Accepts

TEHRAN (SR) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his nation will deliver a "harsh blow" on this year's anniversary of the Islamic Revolution.

Ahmadinejad did not elaborate on the threat, but a spokesman for the Israeli Defense Forces said it likely consists of "a bunch of hairy men and hairier women marching around in bed linens, yelling like retards."

The Iranian president also noted in his address that in the three decades of its history, the Islamic Revolution had "inspired some great developments in the world," obviously referring to their perfecting the art of people blowing themselves up, and beating women for sport.

While the White House has yet to respond to the Iranian threat, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank welcomed the opportunity to participate in the harsh blow, telling President Ahmadinejad he could be in Iran "on a moment's notice."

My comments: Yeah, the Islamic Revolution has really improved Iran over the last 30 years - it's one of the most oil-rich countries on earth, yet now rations gasoline. At this rate of progress in another 30 years they'll be rationing sand.

The good news is that Israel will soon  be terraforming much of this squalid catbox into a huge parking lot, thus sparing many Iranians the agony of another 3 decades under these Godless religious douchebags. Happy anniversary!

 

Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Barney Frank (file photos)

Obama Fix: Bigger Government, Higher Taxes

WASHINGTON (SR) - The government will grow to a record 2.15 million employees this year, according to the budget sent by President Obama to Congress.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs enthusiastically promoted the increase to reporters Tuesday saying, "The great thing is that with the overall jobless rate still through the roof, many of those people can maybe get a job with the government now, at least if they know how to do, you know, government things."

In response to GOP complaints that enlarging the government will further harm the economy, Gibbs was quick to point out that the new government workers would also be paying taxes, thereby bringing in a "significant" amount of extra money to the government.

In addition, Gibbs mentioned how the numerous new backdoor personal and corporate tax increases the administration is instituting will provide even more revenue from the additional government workers.

"Higher taxes, lots more government workers paying the higher taxes, this will provide the money for additional government programs to help those who do not have government jobs," said Gibbs. "It's a win-win for everybody, and just what this country needs to get its fiscal house back in order."

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, I think my head's going to explode! Thank goodness it's past 7:30 AM, I need a margarita!

 

White House's Robert Gibbs explains fiscal benefits of larger government

A Year Later, Obama Still Hasn't Found A Church

WASHINGTON (SR) - A year after coming into office, President Barack Obama still has not found a church to attend.

In answer to a question Monday morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President has been "diligently" seeking a place of worship, but still has not found a church that corresponds to his individual Christian faith.

Gibbs said the president has had difficulty finding an area Christian church that embraces the slaughter of unborn babies, hates white people, and believes that Jesus Christ isn't the only path to salvation.

"They've looked, but most Christian churches around here are not very progressive. Until he finds one that is, the President will continue to worship privately on Sunday mornings," said Gibbs.

My comments: Surely, it can't be that hard to find a Methodist church that hates whitey in Washington DC....

President Obama observes private Sunday morning worship service

Details Of Obama Openly Gay Military Released

WASHINGTON (SR) - President Barack Obama has directed the Pentagon to replace the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with one that will allow openly gay men and women to serve in the military.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, will present details of the plan to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday.

According to sources inside the Pentagon, changes to be implemented include adding choreography to marching regimens, equipping all dorms with double-wide bunks, new fitted uniforms in seasonal color palettes, the installation of hot tubs, and more.

In a potentially controversial move, the Pentagon will announce the formation of a new all-gay, all male company tentatively named "69th Fighting Sodomites." Sources credit the creation of the 69th to House member Barney Frank, who has reportedly been working "very hard and very closely" with gay Pentagon officials.

My comments: Holy Pope-on-a-rope, I'm gonna puke! Margaritas, STAT!

 

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THIS JUST IN!: Taliban threatens "new style' guerrilla tactics HERE

Analysis: Obama State Of The Union Speech

SCOOTER'S REPORT - Amid plunging popularity, stalled healthcare legislation, and his own party reduced to bickering and backbiting, President Barack Obama needed a dynamic State of the Union address to get his presidency and agenda back on track, and back in favor with the American public.

Did the President succeed? The following is a timeline and our in-depth analysis of President Obama's State of the Union Speech Wednesday night:

8:35 p.m. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi calls the House to order. Barry Sullivan, Majority Floor Services Chief, announces the Senate and Vice President Joe Biden. The Speaker calls the Joint Session to order.

8:57 p.m. First Lady Michelle Obama is escorted into the Executive Gallery. Several people in the audience are startled, and one woman, I think Rep. Maxine Waters, flees in apparent terror, screaming something about "Bigfoot."

9:05 p.m. After being introduced by the House Sergeant at Arms, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi then introduces the President to the Senators and Representatives.

9:06 p.m. President Obama begins his speech.

9:07 p.m. At this point I couldn't listen anymore, and turned off the sound. The President was dressed nicely, wearing a dark suit and red striped tie. Behind him, Speaker Pelosi looked extremely freakish, with wild bug-eyes and exaggerated body and facial movements indicating possible methamphetamine abuse. Vice President Biden appeared to be confused and unsure of his environment - always smiling, frowning, and clapping at inappropriate times. When he stood, it appeared his fly was open.

9:50 p.m. Apparently the President has finished, as he is no longer looking at his teleprompters. All of the Democrats are standing and clapping like crazy except Vice President Biden, who appears to be texting on his cellphone. Speaker Pelosi seems to be overcome with euphoria, and has removed her orthopedic underwear and thrown them at the President's feet, causing him to jump to the side. The Republicans are mostly sitting, and not a few appear to be either asleep or passed out. None of them are smiling, and I see several flip the bird in the President's direction as they are exiting.

9:58 p.m. I finished my margarita and went to bed.

Summary: I thought everyone looked pretty good, outside of Speaker Pelosi and maybe the First Lady.

Obama SOTU Aimed At White Middle Class

WASHINGTON (SR) - In tonight's State of the Union speech, President Barack Obama will attempt to reconnect with those voters who elected him to office, then abandoned him like so many rats off a sinking ship - the white middle class.

The White House intends to use this speech to reverse the groundswell of middle class dissatisfaction with his out-of-control spending, corporate and banking subsidies and takeovers, socialized healthcare agenda, weakness in defense, and general dishonesty.

According to one White House source, the President will "pull out all the stops," including wearing lighter makeup, different hairstyle, and using his campaign-style "white" dialect.

Look for Obama to stay clear of negative issues such as healthcare, terrorism, banks, unions, car companies, Iran, recent elections, the Olympics, abortion, czars, the Federal Reserve, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barney Frank, Eric Holder, Janet Napolitano, climate change, the Senate or House, ACORN, Cap and Trade, jobs, or anything relating to the economy.

"He's basically going to say the state of the union is sound, then talk about his dog, Bo, and recent Hawaiian vacation for an hour, that's it," said the source. "All white middle class people like dogs and vacations to Hawaii - this should do the trick."

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My comments: I'd love to watch Barry weave his magic tonight, but unfortunately I have to stare contemplatively at my living room wall while enjoying a margarita at about that time. Maybe next year.