The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

Fowl Leftovers

November 26, 2005

Berkeley, California

What a week this was!

Several of us decided to spend Thanksgiving in peaceful protest against military recruitment in schools. We chose to picket the local army recruitment center located several blocks from my house.

Our plan was to alternate between singing protest songs, lying around like we were dead, praying and chanting, exposing our breasts and genitals for peace, and harassing appealing to those going in.

Thursday morning we got together in the parking lot in front of the center and put up some cool protest posters including a personally autographed one of Our Venerated Mother Of Perpetual Peace And Publicity Sheehan (OVMOPPAPS). In honor of the holiday, someone brought a small turkey, some dressing, fruit salad, delicious pumpkin pie, and several bottles of wine for us to enjoy while we worked.

After smoking a few doobies, we sang a rousing protest song just so the army guys would know we were there. One vicious looking baby killer soldier stared through the window at us in an especially menacing manner that seemed to say, "I would love to torture you by taking photographs of you all stacked naked on the floor." I flipped him off while displaying my breasts for peace. He quickly retreated from the window.

We ate, drank, sang protest songs, threw blood (actually a packet of McDonald's ketchup) on the front door and even managed to run off a young girl heading for the building. The part where we all lay around like we were dead was a big crowd-pleaser although several of us picked up some pretty bad grease stains from the parking lot.

For the most part, things were going pretty good. Oh, that the rest of the day could have been so pleasant.

When the guy who had been giving us the hairy eyeballs came out to wipe the ketchup off the door, my friend Randy grabbed the closest thing he could lay hands on and threw it at him. The eight-pound Butterball caught GI Joe square in the face and sent his sunglasses flying down the sidewalk!

The only memory I have of the horrific events that followed are that of Randy screaming like a little girl as we rushed him to the nearest hospital emergency room. Once there, the ER technicians worked feverishly to save him. Thankfully, with the exception of one drumstick lodged sideways in his colon, they were able to remove most of the turkey. Surgery to retrieve the drumstick is scheduled for Monday and if it goes well, they say he should fully recover.

A weird side effect of this whole deal is that even two days later we still get the munchies every time he breaks wind.

How long will this administration be allowed to torture innocent civilians like Randy?

How long?

      

Liberal Libations

November 19, 2005

New York, NY

While it was sad leaving an enlightened country like France, we had to get back for the big party in New York put on by George Soros and MoveOn.org. I wouldn't miss this for the world! Free from the medieval conservative concepts of "morals" and "personal responsibility", we Liberals are free to really enjoy ourselves and with Ted Kennedy tending bar, who couldn't have fun? (Note: do not let him drive you home.)

All the movers and shakers were there: Babs Streisand, Maureen Dowd, Dan Rather, Our Exalted Mother Of Perpetual Peace And Publicity Sheehan (OEMOPPAPS), Michael Moore, and many other icons of forward thinking.

It turned out to be a wild party and I had a great time. After a few joints and more tequila shooters than I could count, I was feeling no pain. To my absolute delight, I found an old "troll" doll between the couch cushions probably left by someone's kid. It was just like the one I had when I was a little girl! For the next couple of hours I relived my childhood with that little doll, making a "house" for it out of pillows, having a tea party, washing its hair, etc. Unfortunately, my joy turned to embarrassment when Katie Couric pointed out that it was not a troll doll but actually White House correspondent Helen Thomas! While bathing it in the sink I had thought it was strange that it was anatomically correct (and definitely not in a "good" way). Oops, my bad!

The party ended abruptly after midnight when someone who looked like Howard Dean got all liquored-up, tore off his clothes, and urinated from the balcony. Some Bible-thumper downstairs called the police and that was the end of that party.

More later.

                     

Saving France

November 12, 2005
Paris, France

After watching the awful French riots on TV, I knew I had to help. Early this week several fellow activists and myself flew to Paris with the hope of successfully ending this conflict like we almost did the war in Iraq.
After landing at Charles de Gaulle International Airport we rented a cute little green Renault and drove to our hotel. I don’t know what it is with the rental cars over here, but the inside of this one smelled like a flatulent chain-smoking Cocker Spaniel soaked in sweat. We drove fast with the windows down.
I’ve learned from experience that the quickest way to be regarded like a TIAP* in this country is to speak English so I was careful to speak the local language while checking in and later when I ordered our meals at the restaurant. I soon remembered I really didn't know how to speak French when they served me a carburetor with cheese sauce and a glass of phlegm. The other dishes weren’t much better with the exception of the bacon-wrapped hamster that although tiny, was very moist and tasty.
Our plan was to bond with these immigrants and show them how to peacefully effect change and maybe even teach them a few catchy protest songs. I was really looking forward to the friendships we were to forge with these gentle people who are only seeking acceptance in a foreign land.
When we reached the parking lot we found they had burned our rental car into something that looked like a charcoal briquette.
After renting another car, (this time with insurance) we headed out. While better than the first car, the interior of this one still smelled like a diseased yak marinated in urine. Also, the radio didn’t work. No wonder they like burning these things.
We no sooner arrived at our destination than a mob came rushing towards us! They looked just like the angry Palestinians you see on TV only with sweaters tied around their shoulders and really stylish haircuts.
In hindsight, trying to placate these marauding Euro-Jihadists by yelling that we were Americans, not French, probably wasn’t the greatest idea ever. With the sound of our burning car exploding behind us and the mob at our heels shouting “Allah Akbar", we ran for our lives until we thankfully came to a gendarme (police) station. Screaming for help, we ran inside only to have the officers on duty throw themselves sobbing at our feet while several others waved crude white flags fashioned from what appeared to be their underwear. The rioters came in and pummeled us all before heading to the parking lot to burn the police cars.
While we weren’t able to bring an end to this conflict, we still have enjoyed the beauty of Paris, at least what little we can see through the thick clouds of acrid black smoke.
Au revoir!           *turd in a punchbowl 

    

PETA Party

November 5, 2005
Undercover

I had to take a break from Peace Mother Sheehan’s (PMS) antiwar tour. It was all so exciting when we were the focus of the nation but I guess those days are gone. Also, I don’t need to tell you how cramped we were on that stupid bus. Until you’ve slept in an area that small with Cindy after “Mexican buffet night” you can’t imagine what Hell is like. I got up in the middle of the night to hit the bong just so I could sleep but unfortunately the match set off a small but violent explosion that left PMS with minor burns and the whole bus with a very funky smell. That was my sign to get away for a while.
I’m a big PETA supporter and decided to accompany an animal liberation group (that shall remain nameless) to a manufacturer’s cosmetic research facility in the Midwest to liberate test animals. I can’t name the company but their initials are “P” & “G” and their cosmetic lines are the most popular in the world.
After sampling some really good hashish, the four of us broke into the lab compound at around two in the morning. We were confronted with the sickening sight of literally hundreds of white mice imprisoned in metal cages. I nearly fainted when I saw several of them actively undergoing testing. Not only were they forced to wear lipstick, blush, and mascara, the hues were completely wrong for their natural coloring! Those sick bastards!
Moving quickly, we opened all the cages and liberated the tiny captives but what happened next turned our act of mercy into a nightmare of horror. I tripped over a trashcan and the noise caused my comrades to panic. In our frenzy we ran around in the dark trying to find a way out. I now know what war is like: confusion, screaming, sweating, crying, slipping on mouse guts – it was horrible!
Finally, with the lights on we were confronted with a scene of carnage that none of us would ever forget: hundreds of little flattened fuzzy bodies strewn all over the floor and the four of us splattered with mouse parts and blood. After retching, we grabbed the three surviving mice and ran.
While it was very rewarding to save those little creatures from certain abuse, I just don’t have the stomach for this sort of thing. I’m going back to the bus.

   

The Fall & Rise Of PMS

October 29, 2005

Washington DC

                               

Well, we’re back in Washington DC where Our Mother Of Perpetual Peace And Publicity Sheehan (OMOPPAPS) again got herself arrested in front of the White House with about two dozen supporters, including myself. We didn’t even get thrown into a cell this time and the press was a no-show. The original plan was to chain ourselves to the fence but I forgot to stop by Home Depot for the chain. It took the pigs police all of twenty seconds to untie the shoestrings we ended up using so it wasn’t all that dramatic.

Many of us are concerned that Peace Mother Sheehan’s (PMS) fifteen minutes of fame might be drawing to a close, in spite of the fact she’s almost completely stopped the war. Besides the dwindling press coverage, she just found out her TV show “Jihad Mom” probably will not be picked up by the major networks. On top of that, Ben & Jerry’s has indefinitely delayed the release of the new “Nutty Sheehan” pistachio ice cream and nobody at Air America is returning her calls. If you ask me, when even Al Franken is too busy to speak with you, it’s over.

On the other hand, she’s never been more popular abroad.  Her line of “Great Satan” burqas and bomb belts are selling like hotcakes in Syria and Iran and there’s even talk of HAMAS issuing a commemorative stamp with her likeness - Allah be praised!

And of course PMS is still a much-beloved figure in most of Europe. Recently in France, Jacques Chirac presented her with the prestigious *Poltronnerie Avant Honneur medal along with a signed photo of himself in a Speedo. In a gesture of gratitude and bonding with that great country, we’ve decided to quit shaving and reduce our bathing to bi-weekly.

I’ve got to run now and get my crystals for the big prayer meeting. We’re praying for multiple indictments followed by lethal injection for Karl Rove. Wish us luck!

Later.                       *"Cowardice Before Honor"

              

Hillary From Hell

October 22, 2005

New York, NY

I don’t mind telling you, this week was a little scary.

We’ve been in New York City with Our Perpetually Suffering Mother Of Peace Sheehan (OPSMOPS) trying to get some press. George (Soros) told us “I'm not footing the bill just to give you freaks a scenic bus tour of the country” so Cindy has had to step up her efforts to get more attention her word out.

She spoke at a church earlier this week and I guess it went OK if you look past the fact the big crucifix on the front wall started spinning the minute she walked through the door. Fortunately, her voice was strong enough to project her message of cowardice and appeasement "strength through peace" over the loud whirring noise.

Disappointed by the meager press turnout at the church, Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS) made a decision that many of us did not agree with. Outside of Hillary Clinton’s office and in front of the expected hoard of news cameras and reporters, she basically dissed and threatened Hillary over her support for sending more troops to Iraq. Gulp.

While the heavy news coverage was intoxicating, I have a feeling we may have taken on something more powerful than we can imagine. Within an hour of her speech, Cindy developed one of the biggest cold sores I’ve ever seen and I came down with an especially violent case of explosive diarrhea. Then the bus wouldn’t start and inside we found someone or something had knocked over the bong, soiling a bunch of PR photos of Cindy standing next to an Iraqi terrorist freedom fighter. Oh yeah, also the walls were dripping blood.

The next morning PMS told us of the nightmare she had that featured Vince Foster warning her of danger and another where she was being chased by some kind of shrill creature with enormous calves. I related my own terrifying experience of how something that sounded like a banshee from Hell caused me to lose all bladder control in the middle of the night.

Taking on the president is one thing, he’s merely a man, but what Peace Mother Sheehan has now provoked is obviously not of this world.

As soon as possible we’re going back to that church to get some professional help.

Doing Disney

October 15, 2005

Anaheim, California

It’s so nice to be back in the land of enlightenment, California!

As you probably heard, Our Lady Of Perpetual Peace And Love Sheehan (OLOPPALS) came to California this week to present Governor Schwarzenegger with a very large letter calling for him to recall the California National Guard from Iraq. Our hopes were high that Arnold would at least meet with her so she could get some good “camera time” but unfortunately she only got to meet briefly with his snotty aide so it didn’t generate much press. Definitely a complete waste of time.

Further dampening our valiant efforts was the earthquake in Pakistan. How the press can fixate on a little ground moving in some stupid country nobody’s ever heard of instead of our efforts to destroy Bush save the world is beyond me.

We finally just said “screw it” and went to Disneyland for some R’n’R.

On the way there a few of us broke out some Tai sticks and pretty soon the bus was so full of smoke you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face! We chased the herb with a little peyote and a few Coronas and were definitely feeling no pain when we got to the park.

Once inside, however, we found it more than a little unnerving. First of all, the scaled-down buildings on Main Street coupled with the thousands of teeming Japanese unfortunately caused one of our party to think he was Godzilla, an illusion made more real when he caused the hapless Asians to panic and run as he growled and tried to stomp them. His ejection from the park only slightly dampened our festive mood.

Shortly after that, another member of our group was escorted out after trampling a family of five as he ran terrified from what looked like a giant plush chipmunk or rodent or something.

Although a little shaky, I was personally doing fine up to the point I found myself trapped on a little boat in the dark surrounded by singing pirates - I was so scared I vomited over the side of the boat, which apparently started some sort of distasteful chain reaction. I was better after I realized it was only a ride but sorry they had to close it for the rest of the day.

After some chicken strips, nachos, popcorn, Gummi Bears, and ice cream bars, Cindy suggested perhaps a calm and inspirational ride that promotes peace was in order so we all headed for “Its a Small World”. This ride started out well enough, what with all the little children of different nations singing an upbeat song of togetherness and love. I was moved to tears as I wondered why our government couldn’t behave more like these beautiful children of peace.

Unfortunately, things went from good to bad in a hurry as we progressed to room after room inhabited with what seemed to be a million of those little robotic humanoids singing “It’s A Small World” over and over and over. That song got into my head so bad that by the time they got me out of there I was catatonic and suffering mild heart palpitations.

Two days later I still can’t sleep without seeing those armies of tiny ethnic dolls, all moving in unison, singing that stupid, insipid song while their little beady glass eyes stare into my very soul. Whew, I still get chills just thinking about it!

Take it from me: Disneyland + Tai sticks = trouble.

     

                 

McCain Vs Cindy

October 6, 2005

Scottsdale, Arizona

We’re back on the road again with our bus tour for peace. Our Suffering Mother Of Eternal Peace Sheehan (OSMOEPS) has almost completely stopped the war with her strategy of delivering huge letters to famous people. We just came from Phoenix where she presented Governor Janet Napolitano (D) with one such letter calling for the governor to recall the Arizona National Guard from Iraq. The governor was very sympathetic and said she “would do it in a second if she knew where they were staying” and we believed her.

Later that afternoon we enjoyed what we primarily came for: spa treatments and Pina Coladas poolside at the Camelback Inn Resort and clothes shopping at Scottsdale Fashion Square. One must look their best for the cameras!

Easily the most dramatic part of the week was Peace Mother Sheehan’s (PMS) personal meeting with John McCain, the Democrat Republican Senator from Arizona.

After receiving the gigantic letter from PMS, Senator McCain pledged to do everything in his power to undermine the president work for a quick end to the war. Everything seemed to be going OK when all of a sudden he just seemed to snap. Some said it was the way Cindy looked in the bad light when she smiled – the squinty eyes, the somewhat bucked teeth, the khaki outfit, the big hat, all those peace symbols and ribbons. I can only assume it was some kind of horrible flashback that drove McCain to scream “DIE, YOU COMMIE BITCH!” while trying to decapitate her with that giant letter. Cindy’s screams of “warmonger” only seemed to make him more crazed. Finally his aides managed to restrain him and we were able to get out of there with our lives (barely).

Wouldn’t you know that the only thing reported from that whole incident was PMS’s “warmonger” remark? So typical, so Fox.

It just goes to show that even the Democrat-style Republicans love war.

Is there no hope?

                                                   

                                                    

Doing Hard Time With Cindy

September 29, 2005
Washington DC

Our Washington peace protests are in high gear and Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS) is receiving extensive news coverage. Finally our country is focusing again on important issues after being sidetracked by that stupid hurricane stuff. While I am a compassionate liberal and love all people, if I see one more person blubbering on TV about losing his house I’m going to puke! Don’t these people realize that we are protesting to SAVE THE WORLD? Do they even realize that Cindy, myself, and over 300 other peace patriots were imprisoned by this administration? HELLO?

As a result of our arrests and imprisonment, I have been changed forever. Nothing in my life prepared me for the horrors of doing “hard time” in the bowels of the Right Wing’s Abu Ghraib-like gulag. Thank God my cellmate was Cindy; I couldn’t have survived without her.

Our cell was small, dirty, and furnished with only a sink, toilet, and 2 bunks. It smelled of urine and Mr. Clean and profane graffiti covered the walls. The food was unpleasant and no vegetarian alternatives were available. I don’t know how much weight we lost but it was no doubt plenty due to our diminished appetites coupled with the severity of our environment.

After a while, the mind-numbing solitude and sensory depravation begins to erode your mental process and you slowly start losing touch with reality. Time seems to stand still and it takes everything you’ve got just to hang on to your last shred of sanity.

If it weren’t for Cindy’s loving and tender touch and whispered words of encouragement I would have succumbed to the madness. We turned to each other in our time of suffering and found the strength we needed to survive. Our salvation was found in each other’s arms while remembering the beauty of a sunset, the majesty of a tall oak, the smell of fresh air after a spring rain, freedom.
Our crude jailhouse tattoos will forever signify the bonding of our bodies and souls and the strength of our spirits that sustained us through the darkness.

Difficult and horrifying as it was, those 4 hours in jail made us both stronger and more determined than ever to carry on the fight, together.

     

White House Letter Bomb

September 24, 2005

Washington DC

Hello from enemy territory!  I’m in Washington DC with Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS) where earlier this week we protested at the White House.

We marched down Pennsylvania Ave. singing songs of peace, some of us baring our breasts and genitals for peace, others doing bong hits for peace, and quite a few talking on cell phones for peace.

Cindy had this great idea to write a letter to President Hayseed demanding the withdrawal of all American troops from all countries, disbanding the military, and prison sentences and sensitivity training for any Christian or Jew who disrespects the Holy Q’uron. She then had the world’s most important people sign it at her TV pilot premier including Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, and of course, Barbara Streisand. It was my idea to take it to Kinkos and have it enlarged to the size of a refrigerator so the cameras could get a clear shot of it. The only problem was that every time the wind would gust the thing acted like an airplane wing and several of us would have to grab Cindy’s ankles as she became airborne. We were all embarrassed for her when the Fox cameras got that shot of her thong when she got especially high.

After reaching the White House we all said a hopeful prayer for its resident’s destruction and then followed that with some really cool peace chants, a lot of weeping, and some Frisbee throwing.

Unfortunately there was no sign of that little weasel Bush but there were lots of fascist military goons soldiers and pigs policemen standing around acting like they were all-powerful or something. They appeared to be looking for any excuse to beat, rape, and torture us like they did those freedom fighters enemy combatants at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. The several doobies I smoked before arriving did little to alleviate my fear in the presence of these bloodthirsty brutes.

Anyway, we handed the gigantic letter to a couple of nerdy neo-cons on the other side of the fence, and watched them take it inside. Finally getting our letter to George W. Warmonger was a great victory for all who love peace but later someone noticed it lying next to the trashcans at the side of the building. I personally paid Kinkos $84.23 for that giant letter and I'll bet those bozos didn't even bother to read it! It's so obvious they don't want peace.

I say next time we make the letter bigger. Much bigger.

Later.

Jihad Mom

September 17, 2005

Berkeley, California

Well, it’s been a heck of a week. First Viola left and went back to the sports arena and in only 4 days that awful mold is back in the shower. Then I got my MasterCard bill and my Camp Casey trip charges are not only still there but overdue! Cindy promised us George Soros was picking up the tab but evidently not mine. I was shoulder to shoulder with Our Lady Of Perpetual Peace Sheehan the whole time and he buys her an Escalade and I can’t even get my travel expenses covered. Bastard.

At least the week ended on a high note as I was invited to attend a special screening of Cindy’s TV pilot “Jihad Mom”. The stars were all there: Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Bill Maher, and many others but none eclipsed Cindy. She was absolutely glamorous in her low-cut Donna Karen that provocatively accentuated her spectacular new cleavage.

Al Franken was doing a live remote Air America broadcast with an audience of his local listeners. I’ve never heard six people make so much noise and their enthusiasm energized the crowd. Later, Al took a collection for the New York Boys and Girls Club and we were only too glad to give.

The pilot was VERY funny and Cindy’s catch phrase “you hedge like a Bush!” provoked belly laughs every time she said it. The dramatic parts showed great sensitivity and nicely counterbalanced the humor. The scene where Cindy says goodbye to the suicide bomber was especially poignant as was the scene where she weeps over his recovered nipple.

I think the show is going to be a hit, especially in Iran where they really enjoy good TV.

More later.

     

       

Disaster Relief

September 10, 2005

Berkeley, California

The hurricane disaster was just awful and I felt like I had to help. I spent last Friday packing a box with emergency goods for the Red Cross. I included some packs of raspberry kelp tea, a pair of sandals, some rice cakes, a macramé hanging candleholder, some incense, and a couple of Grateful Dead albums. Knowing I was helping someone start a new life made my spirits soar!

On television I saw storm victims being transported to a local gymnasium and I felt moved to open my home to one of these poor people. Saturday I brought home a wonderful 78-year-old black woman named Viola W. Smith. I could see in her eyes the pain of living under the poverty and oppression of the white ruling class and I was glad to free her from this existence.

Viola was thankful to be in a real home and I think surprised to find a middle-aged white woman who was so giving, the exact opposite of cruel slave masters like Bush, Cheney, and the rest of the neo-cons.

From my college education I knew that one of the biggest problems facing someone like Viola would be a feeling of uselessness and lack of purpose so I spent the last few days giving her goals and things she could accomplish to build her sense of worth.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job and a side benefit of this therapy is that my house has never been cleaner, and even the area around the bottom of the shower looks new again!

Although she’s not as fast as I’d like with a vacuum, (bad hip) she more than makes up for it with her delicious meals and nobody cleans a window like Viola.

I only wish I had a bigger house so I could help more of these poor, oppressed people.

I’ve got to go, it sounds like she fell down the stairs again….

            

Breasts Not Bombs

September 5, 2005

Berkley, California

 

Hello all. As Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS) has broken camp and hit the road on her bus tour, it was time for me to come home. I wanted to go along, but unfortunately the last bus available was needed for PMS’s makeup staff, publicist, agent, film crew, acting coach, and spiritual guide.

Anyway, being back home isn’t so bad as there are many things I can do here to end this war, promote gay marriage, save our environment, promote reproductive rights, ban guns, eliminate illiteracy, stop nuclear proliferation, save the whales, outlaw SUVs, dismantle the army, and generally eliminate all conservatives, Christians and Republicans.

The first thing I did was participate in the “Breasts Not Bombs” peace rally downtown. Approximately 30 of us came together to powerfully move against the war by displaying our breasts. We marched for 4 blocks and tied up traffic while singing songs of peace – it was awesome and drew widespread attention, especially from the vocally supportive gentlemen outside the Salvation Army dining hall.

I have to say, however, that I was a little offended when onlookers took up a collection to persuade me to put my top back on. While this was personally hurtful, I will be able to put the $4,862.00 and the 1998 Toyota Tercel to good use. The Super Bowl tickets I gave to my brother.

That’s all for now. Peace.

   

Bill Clinton Enjoys Peace

August 31, 2005

Report From Camp Casey

Today was an exciting day at Camp Casey. The camp was absolutely humming with activity as we all came together in the name of peace to stop this war for oil.

Early this morning we had a somber ceremony symbolizing the return to Mother Earth of the Iraqi oil stolen by Halliburton.  After sampling some awesome Tai sticks, several of us poured a case of Quaker State 10W30 back into the earth while singing songs of restoration. Just as we were concluding our ceremony, some goons from the EPA showed up and tried to arrest us. We tried to explain that we were just giving the earth back her oil, but they had obviously been sent by Dick Cheney to silence us. Luckily we were able to slip away as their attention was diverted by the clouds of smoke coming up from the MoveOn.org “Blazing Bongs For Peace” party.

The highlight of the day was a visit by the greatest president this country has every known, William Jefferson Clinton. Imagine my excitement when he told Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS) he wished to personally visit with ME! There were many things I wished to share with him, not the least of which was my ideas on getting our troops out of Iraq and disbanding the army.

As we sat down to talk I felt a little faint due to the heat and he was nice enough to get me a Pepsi and an Advil or something. We started to chat but I guess the heat must have got to me because the next thing I knew I woke up 6 hours later behind a creosote bush with my pants on backward, reeking of Aqua Velva and no sign of Bill.

Even though we didn't get the chance to discuss the war, I'll always remember his kind compliment that I "had a tight butt for a white girl". He truly is a gentleman.

I've gotta go to the first aid tent now and get this weird rash looked at.

More later.

Moore Camp Casey

August 27, 2005

Report From Camp Casey

 

While it’s rewarding that we have just about stopped the war with our singing, chanting, and meditating, things at the camp are getting a little stressful. For example, while I don’t really mind the CAIR (Council On American-Islamic Relations) representatives running around wearing their little fake ‘bomb vests’, I definitely do not like it when they sneak up behind you and yell “BOOM” in your ear. If that hairy guy in the blue shirt does that to me one more time, I swear I’m going to beat the living crap out of him so bad even the seventy-two virgins won’t touch him (with love, of course). I know others are also getting tired of this as I personally saw Howard Dean wet himself when they did it to him.

At least the day ended on a high note when Michael Moore finally arrived. Man, I have never seen a limo that big! A big laugh was had by all when his driver accidentally (?) ran over the foot of one of NRA morons across from us. Yuk yuk.

Unfortunately the fun didn’t last as we only had a brief time with Michael. About fifteen minutes into his lecture “George Bush: Alcoholic Child Molester”, a couple of the Greenpeace guys who’d been doing bong hits with Woody Harrelson rushed the podium and drug him off in a net while muttering something about “returning him to the wild”. The last time I saw him they had him strapped into a play pool in the back of a pickup heading for the gulf coast. While it seemed like an obvious case of mistaken identity, several people did claim to have seen what looked like a blowhole at the top of his neck when his hair got wet. Hopefully he’ll be back later when they get things figured out. I hope nobody mentions this to Linda Ronstadt as she’s supposed to be here tomorrow.

Gotta go, more later. Peace!

     

Pony Named Babs

August 25, 2005

Report from Camp Casey

Hello from Crawford Texas!

Still no sight of Terrorist Bush but we're not leaving till he comes out to speak to Our Mother Of Perpetual Peace Sheehan (OMOPPS) and promises to give the oil he stole back to Iraq.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest and most talented people continue to arrive at Camp Casey.

I saw Richard Dreyfuss and he really does look just like a professor and sounds like one too. I listened as he explained the connection between the Skull and Bones Society, Halliburton, Exxon, Nixon, General Electric, Jerry Falwell, Sears, and Hitler. Eye opening!

When the word got around that Barbara Streisand was spotted over by the right-wingers I went to get her autograph.  However once I got within a few feet of her I got totally pissed off – one of those hicks had put a dress and wig on a pony! While the resemblance was startling, I could tell by the autograph it wasn’t Babs! I HATE THESE REDNECKS!! Their laughing only strengthened my resolve to see this miserable country in flames and their leader Bush disemboweled on a stick (In the name of peace, of course).

Well, I finally calmed down after eating several tasty brownies someone had brought. Soon I was filled with feelings of peace and love. Unfortunately I must have eaten one brownie too many as later I was told I projectile-vomited all over Peace Mother Sheehan’s (PMS) new Birkenstock sandals. I really don’t remember.

I have to go lay down now.

   

In The Drink With "Ed"

August 23, 2005

Report From Camp Casey

Well I just returned form Camp Casey and all I can say is WOW, I have never seen so many famous people and celebrities!

The morning started with the return of Peace Mother Sheehan (PMS). Someone said her driver was Senator Ted Kennedy! I had a chance to speak with him briefly but when I asked if he was who I thought he was, he said no, his name was ”Ed”. I realized he couldn’t be Senator Kennedy as he smelled of gin and I don’t think senators drink.

Anyway, we fired up a doobie and gathered around Our Precious Mother Of Peace Sheehan (OPMOPS) and listened intently as she explained how the Jews had coerced that moron Bush into attacking the hapless Muslims to take their oil for Halliburton. Scary stuff to be sure!

Later, between interviews and filming for her new sitcom “Jihad Mom” Cindy joined us in mystic chants for peace and some really good hash. We held hands and wept, but I can’t remember why.

The camp is a beehive of activity. Greenpeace, Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, CAIR (Council On American-Islamic Relations), PETA, and many other organizations are here in support of our troops and against the evil regime that is the USA.

Across the road are the usual right-wing whack jobs including a bunch of Christians shuffling around on their knees “praying for us”. Right. Fortunately they weren’t around long as one of their group carrying a little child in a waist sling wandered too close to the Planned Parenthood group and was set upon by a guy with a pair of scissors who was trying to stab the baby in the back of the head. It was all a big misunderstanding as the guy thought the woman had partially given birth and he was trying to “help her do the right thing”. Oops, his bad!!

We decided to hold our own religious ceremony but ran short of crystals so we did some bong hits instead while chanting.

Well, finally Cindy had to go to her afternoon shooting of “Larry King Live” and later to her appearance on Air America so we bid her a tearful goodbye as she left with “Ed”.

What happened next was a little strange: Ed took the turn way too fast and slid the car into the drainage ditch. The second the car hit the water he jumped out like his pants were on fire and ran for town. Thank God the water was only a foot deep, no harm was done.

More later.

Moon Beam

   

Report From Camp Casey

August 21, 2005

Report From Camp Casey

 

I just returned from the camp and I want to tell you, it was AWESOME!
Joan has never sounded so good and we all wept and sang together until some guy on bad acid ran naked through the crowd screaming that Condi Rice was trying to "eat his brain".

Later, we all had a group hug, did some peyote, and said somber prayers for all the innocent insects and plants that had been killed and ravaged by Bush and his storm troopers in Iraq. A lady sang a song titled "Oh Cricket Of Peace" that moved many of us to tears.

Someone then produced a poster of Bush and mayhem ensued as dozens of people rushed to punch, tear, and spit on it. In an unfortunate incident, a toddler had one eye reddened when someone attempted to urinate on it but was too stoned to calculate trajectory. They say she will be OK but her "no more nukes" jumper was ruined.

At the end of the concert we all said mystic chants of peace and warmly hugged each other until several of us were "caught up in the moment" and started fornicating in the dirt for peace.

All in all, it was a truly effective effort in ending this unfair war.

More later.