Doing Disney

October 15, 2005

Anaheim, California

It’s so nice to be back in the land of enlightenment, California!

As you probably heard, Our Lady Of Perpetual Peace And Love Sheehan (OLOPPALS) came to California this week to present Governor Schwarzenegger with a very large letter calling for him to recall the California National Guard from Iraq. Our hopes were high that Arnold would at least meet with her so she could get some good “camera time” but unfortunately she only got to meet briefly with his snotty aide so it didn’t generate much press. Definitely a complete waste of time.

Further dampening our valiant efforts was the earthquake in Pakistan. How the press can fixate on a little ground moving in some stupid country nobody’s ever heard of instead of our efforts to destroy Bush save the world is beyond me.

We finally just said “screw it” and went to Disneyland for some R’n’R.

On the way there a few of us broke out some Tai sticks and pretty soon the bus was so full of smoke you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face! We chased the herb with a little peyote and a few Coronas and were definitely feeling no pain when we got to the park.

Once inside, however, we found it more than a little unnerving. First of all, the scaled-down buildings on Main Street coupled with the thousands of teeming Japanese unfortunately caused one of our party to think he was Godzilla, an illusion made more real when he caused the hapless Asians to panic and run as he growled and tried to stomp them. His ejection from the park only slightly dampened our festive mood.

Shortly after that, another member of our group was escorted out after trampling a family of five as he ran terrified from what looked like a giant plush chipmunk or rodent or something.

Although a little shaky, I was personally doing fine up to the point I found myself trapped on a little boat in the dark surrounded by singing pirates - I was so scared I vomited over the side of the boat, which apparently started some sort of distasteful chain reaction. I was better after I realized it was only a ride but sorry they had to close it for the rest of the day.

After some chicken strips, nachos, popcorn, Gummi Bears, and ice cream bars, Cindy suggested perhaps a calm and inspirational ride that promotes peace was in order so we all headed for “Its a Small World”. This ride started out well enough, what with all the little children of different nations singing an upbeat song of togetherness and love. I was moved to tears as I wondered why our government couldn’t behave more like these beautiful children of peace.

Unfortunately, things went from good to bad in a hurry as we progressed to room after room inhabited with what seemed to be a million of those little robotic humanoids singing “It’s A Small World” over and over and over. That song got into my head so bad that by the time they got me out of there I was catatonic and suffering mild heart palpitations.

Two days later I still can’t sleep without seeing those armies of tiny ethnic dolls, all moving in unison, singing that stupid, insipid song while their little beady glass eyes stare into my very soul. Whew, I still get chills just thinking about it!

Take it from me: Disneyland + Tai sticks = trouble.