Senator Overboard!

January 28, 2006

Washington DC

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but I think I'm in love!

One of my friends in Washington set me up with a blind date last weekend. All she told me was this guy is one of the most powerful men in the country and very hot. Because of my recent cosmetic "enhancements," I knew I was hot, but had no idea my friend would think me apparently worthy of dating a man of this caliber. I was so excited and couldn't wait to see who it was! I was off to Washington D.C.

On the big night I arrived early at the agreed upon meeting place, the swanky Occidental Restaurant. This place just oozed power. I saw many important people, in fact the two seated at the table next me looked like Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi! Wow! I couldn't hear what they were saying but I noticed her facial skin was so tight, her boobs rose an inch every time she smiled. Also, her eyebrows were way up on her forehead like mine - I had a feeling she was also on a first name basis with Dr. Fuentes.

Suddenly a man appeared before me holding a single red rose. I could NOT believe who it was! Although I have agreed not to divulge his identity, I will tell you he is the most powerful Democrat in the U.S. Senate and one of my biggest heroes - we'll call him "Jed." Did I also mention he was very cute, in a sort of large, lumpy way? This was surely the most magical moment of my life, and it was all I could do to remain composed as I accepted the rose and stared into those beautiful pale blue and red eyes.

After the introductions, he ordered some drinks and we proceeded to have a wonderful discussion on things we both felt passionate about, including our hatred for George Bush and this needless war for oil. After a few glasses of Old Grandad, he laid out his dream for America that gave me chills and a renewed hope for our country. His vision included expanding U.S. taxpayer-funded abortion to every country in the world, promoting gay marriage, raising taxes, expanding welfare, reducing the armed forces, and restricting religious-based intolerance. I was in the company of genius! We could have talked all night, but Howard at the next table was apparently drunk and screaming like a madman, so we left for Jed's apartment.

Once inside his new Mercedes, Jed made us some drinks using the little bar in the back. I've never seen anything like it, he even had an ice maker! Our journey was an interesting one, to say the least. It was raining, he was drunk, and going way too fast. As he drove, he railed against the Bush administration, gesturing wildly and spilling his drink everywhere. I tried to remain calm by smoking a joint and playing with the life preserver lying on the console.

At one point he asked me to make him another drink. Although this was obviously the last thing he needed, I figured it would hopefully mellow him out and maybe he'd slow down. I leaned over the seat and was refilling the glass, when all of a sudden I felt his hand on my butt! Without thinking, I reeled around and threw the drink in his face. He screamed, "ABANDON SHIP!!" grabbed the life preserver, and bailed out of the moving car! Oh crap! I looked back to see him rolling like a spastic sea slug, clothes flying off. He came to rest in the middle of the street, apparently dead! I grabbed the wheel, stood on the brakes, and brought the car to a safe stop. I jumped out and ran back to see if he was okay but all I found was a huge dry spot and his clothes scattered around the street. I guess he survived, thank God.

The next morning I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and a romantic note asking if I would like to spend the weekend at Hyannisport! I think I'm falling. Hard.