American Gulag

February 4, 2006

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

Hello from Cuba, one of the few enlightened countries in this part of the world. This week I joined several women from Amnesty International on their investigative mission to the dastardly U.S. gulag at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

To show respect to these imprisoned and oppressed freedom fighters, we decided to wear burqas and brought a few Holy Qurans and ornate prayer rugs to hand out. I have never worn a burqa, and have to say it was awfully confining and hot, as the only ventilation was through the little screen area where you look out.

Before seeing the prisoners, we went to the kitchen to inspect their meals being prepared and were disgusted by what we found. First of all, the appetizer was simply unacceptable as the shrimp were small and the presentation uninspired. The main course was "lis-san el qua-thi" (eggplant wrapped meat) and was clearly an attempt to torture these poor men as the portions were meager and served on flimsy paper plates. The final humiliation was the dessert "katayef " - there was hardly any syrup and the cook's attempt at garnishment with orange slices was clumsy and poorly executed. We sampled the meal and although it didn't taste that bad, we were shocked and disgusted by the fact it was served luke-warm.

This all went into our report. As we toured the facility, it became obvious these men were being mistreated. Cells were small and the furniture was mismatched. I personally saw a plaid bedspread paired with striped pillow shams in one cell and in another noticed the drapes were filthy. One prisoner described the cheap single-ply toilet paper and toothpaste without fluoride they are forced to use. Another claimed the only cologne provided is Old Spice and that he's forced to wear boxers even though he's a briefs man. Outrageous! Among other violations, we noticed some cockroaches, frayed carpeting, and poor reception on several televisions.

Midway through our inspection I suffered a distressing side effect of the ethnic food in the form of an unexpected and severe case of intestinal distress. My discomfort was elevated by the lack of ventilation in my burqa and I started getting light-headed due to the lack of "clean" air. After a prolonged restroom break, I felt a little better and was allowed into a cell to present Qurans to the senior holy man and his cell mates.

I was careful to wear gloves so as not to sully the holy book with my "infidel" hands. Unfortunately, my gesture of good will got a little sidetracked as I went to hand the book to the grizzled old holy man. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the biggest sewer roach I've ever laid eyes on, hanging off the side of his turban! I have an insane fear of bugs and before I could even think, I two-handed the Holy Quran upside his head. Needless to say, Abdul dropped faster than Saddam's net worth as his cell mates lunged at me! I screamed for the guard as one jihadist held me while another furiously tried to decapitate me! Thank God all he had was a toothbrush, although by the time the guards pulled him off me, I had severe bristle burns on the back of my neck, which almost required immediate attention. I survived, but was badly shaken.

I understand a fatwa has been issued against me and I've been forced into hiding. I guess it was to be expected in light of the fact that I am now as guilty as the U.S. military of torturing these innocent civilians, something I deeply regret.

     

Story idea by reader "Billy Bob" (watusijoe). Thank you!