The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

Free Gas

April 28, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week's three dollar-a-gallon gasoline forced us to get rid of Scooter's old gas-hog Ford Taurus for something more efficient. All our friends and many Hollywood celebrities are driving Toyota Priuses now, so that's what Scooter wanted. He's very ecologically sensitive and had been wanting some "earth-friendly" wheels for a long time. After selling some items for Pepe recently, he finally had enough cash for a down payment on a good used car.

While sampling Pepe's latest, we went online and carefully researched prices on used Priuses and the trade-in value of the Taurus. It looked as if Scooter should be able to buy a couple-year-old Prius for around $20,000 and get approximately $1,200 for his Ford. After college Scooter sold cars so he knew all the inside tricks. He instructed me to "keep quiet and watch the master." I was thinking the only thing Scooter's probably ever been master of is "bating," if you catch my drift. Anyway, after several more bong hits, we headed out to seek our automotive prey.

At our first stop, "Ben Dover's Here's Your Car" used cars, we didn't meet Ben, but were greeted by a fat guy named Tony who wore a shiny suit and lots of jewelry, including a massive diamond Rolex that appeared to be turning his wrist black. After Scooter told him what we were looking for, Tony said he had exactly what we needed, and walked us over to a hulking, green 1995 Chevy Suburban with big tires and no rear bumper. Before Scooter could say a word, Tony said, "Look, a Prius is worth about 20K and that's what you'd pay. Now follow me, Scoots. This cream puff is worth the same 20K but I'm giving it to you for 15. You see what just happened? You just got FIVE THOUSAND bucks for gasoline that you'd never have if you bought that little crapbox-deathtrap-Toyota. Now look Skeeter, here's the clincher: I'll give you THREE GRAND for your junky Taurus, which is easily two more than that scab-on-wheels is worth and BADA BING, there's TWO GRAND MORE for gas! Did you hear what I just said? Now you got over SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS gas money! WHOA! You better sit down now because I'm ready to ice this cake, Scrotum buddy. Because I LIKE you, I'm throwing in another THOUSAND DOLLAR discount OUT OF MY OWN POCKET! I can't believe I just offered you that! This could cost me my job because all of a sudden I'm not only giving away the most beautiful car on the lot, but also BUYING ALL YOUR FRIGGIN GAS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!" I looked at Scooter, he was mesmerized.

Riding home in the Suburban I tried to figure out exactly what had transpired. Somehow Scooter ended up buying the truck for $22,900 plus tax after they added the paint sealant, fabric protectant, undercoating, and rear bumper Tony sold him. They gave Scooter $800 for the Taurus, but only after he got into a big shouting match with Tony's boss who claimed it was only worth $400 since the windshield wipers had dry-rot and the left turn signal didn't work. Scooter seemed satisfied with the weekly payment but I wasn't so sure it was such a great deal.

We stopped for gas and it cost $96.23 to fill the tank. Scooter cried.

Scooter's Report

April 21, 2006

Los Angelas, California

Hi my name is Scooter. I am a frend of Peace and pretty much coordnate all our protests and I also do all our signs and artwork. (I have a art degree) Peace went to Hawai to visit her sister so she told me to write the report this week. About the only interesting thing I did was help my good frend Pepe so I will write about that. Please keep in mind I am a artist not a writer!

Pepe called Monday and asked me if I wanted to help him do a protest for immagration rights. I said sure where there is injustice there is Scooter! He said he needed my car so we could pick up some of his protester frends since his truck was in the shop and I said ok. The only thing was his frends needed a ride from there home in the desert in Imperial  Valley but Pepe said he would pay for my gas and give me enouph herb to last for over a month so of course I said YES.

We had a good drive until we got to the desert. My Taurus is not a jeep but we had to drive a couple miles thru the middle of nowhere late at nite looking for a flashlite signal from his frends. I cant beleve people actully live out there. There is nothing at all but cactis, dirt, cyoties cyouties  coyoties desert wolfs, snakes, sand and about a million rocks. Pepe thoght it was funny to tell scary stories along the way and to tell you the truth I got pretty scared for a while especially when we heard scraping noises and Pepe said it was a bloody hook hanging on the door handle. I might have accidently wet myself a little and it reminded me that sometimes Pepe sucks and Id like to kill him.

Finally around 12:00 midnite we found his frends. There were like 12 of them and the only way we could fit them in the car was to stack them in the trunk and cram them in the back seat and everywhere! I felt like a sardene and everything smelled like sweat. I thoght it was strange that Pepe couldnt remember any of his frends names even tho they were his frends so I dont know about that. We drove to San Diego and went to Pepes cousins house where we were all going to get ready for the protest but by then Pepe said he was too tired and I have to admit I was to so everyone went to bed and I just went home.

Im sorry we didnt protest and was really really sorry I had to haul so many of Pepes stinky frends around all nite, but he did pay for my gas plus later he gave me an extremly large and fresh wrapped package of herb so Im not complaning. I know this report wasnt that interesting but Im no Peace Moonbeam so you can all bite me.

Scooter peace out.

Whale Rescue

April 14, 2006

Somewhere in the North Atlantic

Whaling season started this week, so Scooter and I headed to Norway to join some of our Greenpeace friends in protest against this barbaric event. One of these friends is my buddy "Cappy," and he graciously offered the use of his old 75-foot trawler he uses for ecological tours. We were touched by his generosity, and looked forward to an effective protest.

We arrived at Sandefjord and proceeded to the docks where we met up with Cappy. His boat "Sea Slug" wasn't the most beautiful vessel there, but it was adequate for our needs. Cappy had already hung some big Greenpeace banners on the ship's sides that really looked cool and covered up a lot of rust. I sent Scooter out to buy a bunch of ketchup (to represent blood) for us to fling at the whaling ships. This blood-flinging thing is always very dramatic and the press loves it. Unfortunately it turned out the Norwegians aren't big on ketchup, so Scooter brought back 200 gallons of cocktail sauce instead. Close enough, I guess.

The next morning we weighed anchor and headed out to the hunting area. The sun was shining, the seas were fairly mild, and we were in high spirits, especially Cappy. Several times I noticed him pouring something from a flask into his coffee, and by ten o'clock his quiet demeanor had given way to loud farting and belching, obnoxious cursing, and unsteadiness. Later Scooter noticed we were going in circles, and after reaching the bridge, we found Cappy draped over the wheel, passed-out drunk. When we tried to carry him back to his cabin, he suddenly woke up, started screaming about pirates, and struck Scooter several times before we could restrain him with some rope. Great. After putting Cappy in his room, Scooter took the wheel, but only after we agreed to address him as "Admiral Scooter." Jeez.

Just after noon we came upon our first whaling ship. Its crew had apparently speared a whale and had a line around its tail, preparing to haul it aboard. I told Admiral Scooter to bring us in close so we could maybe snag the line with something and release the poor whale. Scooter was doing a horrible job steering the ship and I was yelling commands at him, which just seemed to make him more tense. Right about this time Cappy fell out of his cabin bellowing, "UNTIE ME, DAMNIT!" to which Admiral Scooter replied, "RAM IT, AYE AYE, SIR" and he steered right into the side of the huge ship, creating  a nasty gash at its waterline! I noticed an oil slick spreading from the damaged area and wondered how much insurance Cappy carried. Lots, I hoped.

While Admiral Pinhead searched for reverse, I went to untie Cappy so he could get us out of there. With a barely-functioning Cappy at the wheel, Scooter and I ran to find something we could use to free the poor whale. I got a knife from the galley and was tying it to a pole when I heard Scooter yell. "I've got it!" I came around the corner just in time to see him fire a flare gun at the line.

You can probably guess the rest. The line was partially severed and the few remaining strands were ablaze and probably would have burned through, releasing the now-struggling mammal. Unfortunately, the first flaming ember that fell to the water produced a loud "FROOOM!!!" as the oil, ship, and of course, the whale caught fire. Oh crap! Scooter made a last desperate attempt to save the creature by dumping the cocktail sauce over it. While it doused the flames, it sadly wasn't soon enough to save the poor thing.

The large oil spill, coupled with the loss of the whaling ship and its 43 crew members was indeed a tragedy, and I'll probably never forget the sizzling sound that whale made as it cooked in that horrible fire.The good news was it turned out to be surprisingly tender and juicy, and the cocktail sauce added just enough "zing" to mask the fuel oil taste. I guess things could have been worse.

Capitol Crime

April 7, 2006

Washington DC

The other night Scooter and I were watching the show "Black. White." where they make up people to look like the opposite race and then follow them around to see what happens. We were talking about the horrific racial violence inflicted upon Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney by that Capitol Hill cop and agreed it would be cool to "become" black and be filmed while white authority figures, employed by this administration, abused us. Combined with the McKinney case, this could be a rallying point for all Americans to hate the Republicans for their racial brutality. This was too good to pass up, so we decided to do it.

After careful deliberation we decided Scooter would make a better black person than me because he's part African American (his nephew's dad is black). I bought some theatrical makeup and a wig and we went to work transforming Scooter into "Scatman." Luckily, I had Tivo'd some of the "Black.White." shows so we had an excellent guide as how to apply the makeup. Thanks to Scooter's formal art training, we were able to change his appearance so completely, his cat attacked him in the kitchen. Convincing!

We went to the Capitol Building, because we knew from the McKinney case that the cops there were brutal and hated black people. I stayed back and started filming with my small Sony camcorder shooting through a hole in my purse. On cue, Scatman headed for the metal detectors, then, as planned, attempted to walk around them. Sure enough, even though Scatman had done nothing threatening, a burly cop jumped in front of him and sternly told him he had to go through the detector! At this point Scooter was supposed to turn to the camera and loudly yell "HELP! RACIAL ABUSE!" but instead, evidently caught up in the moment, he whacked the cop in the face with his pimp cane. Oh crap, not good.

I think with careful editing we might be able to still use the footage to cast the current administration in a negative light. Jesse Jackson's people said they would edit it themselves if we could keep Scatman's real identity secret. As for Scooter, well, he was severely beaten with flashlights and Tasered a couple of times, but luckily they never caught on to the fact he wasn't black, outside of the fact he was squealing like a little white girl while getting beaten. Somebody said Harry Belafonte volunteered to do a voiceover in post-production - problem solved!

Republicans, you're going down.

Thanks sucka to Point Five Canival Of Comedy  (Only the best Carnival ever)