June 9, 2006
Sedona, Arizona
Early this week I received a call from Scooter that gave me the heebie-jeebies. Evidently he'd been reading about Tuesday being the "day of the Devil" because it was the sixth day of the sixth month of 2006 (666). Ever since Scooter spent two days as a Mormon he's been spiritually sensitive and this seemed to be causing him a lot of apprehension. I tried to explain that this day would actually be "6606" but he wasn't buying it. I finally agreed to join him in religious rituals that would hopefully fend off any bad juju coming our way.
Everyone knows the most spiritual place in the world is Sedona, Arizona. With its "medicine wheels" and extremely powerful vortexes, it's the best place to communicate with the higher powers that influence our world, plus they've got some really good restaurants. After pawning some things for gas money, we prepared to leave as soon as possible.
After arriving in Sedona, Scooter left to purchase some things he needed, and I prepared for our solemn ritual. I scouted a medicine wheel just outside of town and after sampling its vibrations, selected prayer crystals with matching frequencies. I prepared some peyote (an essential element in advanced religious ceremonies), and donned my Indian prayer shawl. With everything ready, I waited for Scooter.
Just when I was about ready to start without him, Scooter finally showed up. It was obvious he was taking no chances. Somehow he had gotten hold of what appeared to be some sort of Catholic cardinal's outfit or something. He had these flowing robes, a big sash, a bunch of assorted crucifixes, prayer beads, etc, around his neck, and on his head was one of those weird hats like the Pope wears. I noticed Scooter had glued some stuff on top of the hat, including a plastic Buddha and a statue of the Virgin Mary. He had images pinned to his outfit of Sun Myung Moon, Jesus, Pope John Paul, Billy Graham, Gandhi, Benny Hinn, and for some reason, Elvis Presley. I have to admit, I felt safer just being close to him and the energy he was emanating was absolutely incredible!
After downing some peyote, we started walking the wheel and chanting in the sweltering heat. After about an hour, just as I started feeling at one with the universe, I suddenly had a startling awareness that the Devil himself was among us, and fearfully realized Scooter had been correct about this day after all! I intensified my chanting, and rubbed the crystals so hard my fingers cramped, but to no avail. I sensed the evil presence getting closer and closer to me, then suddenly felt his hot breath on my neck and smelled the overpowering scent of sulfur or maybe onions! I reeled around and with all my strength shoved the holy crystals into his unholy face, kneed him in the nuts, and screamed, "GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!" Thank God he went down like a bag of cement. I ran.
I couldn't possibly have felt worse about breaking Scooter's nose, but he shouldn't have snuck up on me like that, even if he was just offering me a bite of his cheeseburger. The good thing was that he was in too much pain the rest of the day to worry about something bad happening to him, so I guess everything worked out okay.
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