Damage Control

April 18, 2008

Somewhere in Pennsylvania

Wow, what a week! Who would guess everyone would go so crazy over Senator Obama's comments about the middle class "clinging to religion and guns" in their bitterness over the economy? I suppose the answer to that question would be "everybody." Even a retarded yak knows you don't diss the average hick American's guns or God, but what can I say, for all his charisma and charm, Barack Hussein basically has the IQ of a piece of toast. Fortunately, one only has to look at George Bush to see that intelligence isn't an absolute prerequisite to be President of the United States.

Our group quickly mobilized to shunt the negative effects of our candidate's well-meaning-but-moronic comments. The first thing I did was bring in my longtime friend and assistant, Scooter Van Neuter. Scooter's job was to put together a small town meeting in rural Pennsylvania where Senator Pinhead could interact in a folksy way with regular middle class Americans, thus showing he wasn't a foreign-born, Harvard educated, blue-blooded elitist politician.

Last night the Senator and I arrived at the town hall in Frackville, Pennsylvania. Scooter had done a good job selecting this little backwater dirthole and also notifying the press - you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a reporter. We entered through the back door and Scooter took the Senator into the bathroom for makeup and a change of wardrobe. I went into the meeting room and took a seat.

Once my eyes adjusted to the glaring news lights, I about wet myself: The small group of townspeople Scooter had rounded up appeared to be illegal immigrants and transients! Most were holding Bibles, wearing guns, and all were dressed like they just stepped out of Hee Haw. Holy Moses smell the roses! When Senator Obama made his entrance wearing nothing but overalls, an NRA cap, and a huge rhinestone-studded crucifix, I almost barfed. While I understand the symbolism Scooter was going for, the outfit pretty much made Obama look like a hillbilly pimp, if there could be such a thing. Everything went downhill from there.

Thankfully, the meeting lasted just ten minutes, as only two "townspeople" could speak English and they were both drunk and belligerent. Senator Hayseed gave a quick speech about his childhood "growing up in the country," where his only companions were "My trusty six-shooter and Jesus Christ." The whole thing was a freaking disaster and we got the hell out of there as fast as possible. Just outside of town Hussein fired Scooter and me, then left us on the side of the road holding five dollars and an NRA cap.

Frankly I guess we shouldn't complain, we signed on for "change" and walked away with folding money, which is more than we'd probably get from a Republican.