Operation Scooter Save

May 23, 2008

Berkeley, California

I'd had enough of Scooter's ridiculous support and adoration for John McCain, and this week put in motion a plan to rescue my deluded friend from his conservative hell.  

After intense planning and calculation, I engineered a course of action guaranteed to succeed, provided every step was unerringly executed with clockwork precision. After days of intense preparation, my elite hand-picked team sprang into action last Tuesday at 11:01 a.m. sharp. Operation Scooter Save was in motion!

11:01 a.m. Pepe, disguised as a Caucasian businessman, leaves the post office with a registered package sent by George Soros (head of MoveOn.org) at my request.

11:23 a.m. Pepe arrives at the park and after placing the package in a crumpled sack, leaves it in the trash can by the softball field.

11:25 a.m. Pepe's cousin Hector, dressed as a park maintenance worker (he is a park maintenance worker), empties the trash can into the back of his utility vehicle, then drives to the parking lot by the tennis court where his nephew Sonny rides by slowly on a motorcycle and grabs the sack, then proceeds to the Quiznos sandwich shop by my house.

11:39 a.m. Once at Quiznos, Sonny orders a tuna salad sandwich, then slips the package to the cashier with his money. The cashier (Pepe's Aunt Cecilia) then places the package in a Quiznos wrapper and hands it to the next person in line, my little nephew Bobby, disguised as a midget accountant having lunch. Bobby takes the package and rides his bike to the Doubletree Berkeley Marina Hotel.

11:58 a.m. Bobby arrives at the Doubletree Hotel parking lot and hands the package to Pepe's cousin Juanita, playing the part of a loose Republican named "Sexi." She goes into the hotel bar and takes a seat at the third table from the door.

12:23 p.m. Scooter arrives at the hotel bar to meet a girl he's been having phone sex with since hooking up at the "McCain 2008" web site forum. He introduces himself, presents her with a partially-melted chocolate bunny, then takes a seat after an unsuccessful awkward attempt to kiss her.

1:30 p.m. After having drinks, Juanita says she's hungry and suggests they go out to her car to eat some sandwiches she brought. Scooter readily agrees.

1:34 p.m. Once in the car, the the effects of the six Kahlua and creme de cacao cocktails he's had predictably cause Scooter to aggressively kiss and grope Juanita.

1:35 p.m. When Scooter removes his pants Juanita snaps a quick photo with her cell phone camera, then hands him the package. Scooter opens it to find a note informing him that Sexi is in fact only thirteen years old and is the daughter of Stone Phillips, host of Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

1:42 p.m. After regaining consciousness, Scooter continues reading the note, which tells him he will not be reported if he swears to denounce John McCain and heartily supports Barack Obama for President. As an added incentive, there is a bundle of cash, new tee shirt, and a bag of Gummi Bears, Scooter's favorite food.

1:43 p.m. Juanita exits the car, leaving a shaken but relieved Scooter wearing an "Obama '08" tee shirt, eating Gummi Bears, and clutching $22 in cash.

1:45 p.m. Juanita phones me with the news that Operation Scooter Save has been a success.

 I love it when a plan comes together.