What Happened Was This

May 30, 2008

Berkeley, California 

This week ex-Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan's tell-all book "What Happened" was released to huge fanfare. Scooter came over Wednesday morning with a copy and breathlessly exclaimed this was his "ticket to the easy life." Sometimes Scooter gets like this when he's had too many Mountain Dews for breakfast. When he finally calmed down, he explained that the whole country was talking about this book and it was selling like Love Lube at a Gay Pride parade.

It took me a bit to finally understand that Scooter wasn't excited about the dirt this book dished on Chimpy McHitler, but rather the huge money that could be made on an insider's down-and-dirty account of a popular political figure. My worst fears were realized when Scooter produced several Big Chief tablet pages titled "What Happened Was This by Obama campaign insider, Scooter Van Neuter." Oh great.

I was anxious to see what kind of shocking expose could come out of Scooter's roughly two week's employment with the Obama campaign. I started reading:

Senator Obama sells himself as the candidate of change, but the man I worked for didn't even change his underwear that often. I also noticed he didn't change his car's oil at the manufacturer's recommended intervals, and rarely, if ever, changed his mind. One day I asked Hussein for three quarters so I could buy a U.S. Today, and he didn't have it. Candidate of change? I think not!

Although I believe Senator Obama to be a basically decent man, there's no doubt he's been led astray by the people he surrounds himself with: his minister, evil wife Michelle, and black activist friends to name just a few. Many a night I remember hanging out in the hot tub doing tequila shots and PCP with Barack, Michelle, Louis Farrakhan, and Reverend Wright. They spent most of their time talking about harming white people, specifically me. Once Reverend Wright kicked me in the nuts just for fun, something I'm sure he wouldn't have done if I were black, or at least more muscular. 

To all the world Michelle seems like an educated, well-spoken candidate's wife, and in some ways that's almost true. In character with her "I've never been proud of this country" remarks, behind closed doors Michelle displays an incredible hatred for this country, primarily focused toward white males in general, and me in particular. After an unfortunate incident with a kielbasa, she once referred to me as a "retarded pervert," a comment that pretty much says, "I hate America and everything it stands for." The thought of this vicious commie skank becoming First Lady gives me colon-clench like you can't believe....

I didn't need to read any further to know (a) this was absolutely awful (b) probably 85% made up, and (c) the makings of a best seller. After negotiating with Scooter for a cut of the profits and getting his promise to leave my name out of this steaming pile of literary pony-loaf, I placed an urgent call to a publisher friend of mine.