Remaking Michelle

June 20, 2008

Berkeley, California

This week the global edition of the New York Times ran an article titled "Michelle Obama to get subtle makeover." This in itself would normally not be a big deal, but it just so happens the consultant brought in to do this makeover is an old friend of mine, (Fabulous) Frankee Felaesho! I called Frankee (Fab) to get the inside poop on his Obama overhaul.

According to Fab, there were several areas the campaign staff wanted to address in response to negative public perceptions. He faxed me his Makeover Action Plan (MAP):

 

Perception: Michelle Obama hates white people

Remedy: Instruct Michelle to (1) start referring to white people as "white people" instead of "Nazis," "crackas," and "peckerheads" (2) quit spitting on white people (3) try to befriend a white person, at least socially.

Perception: Michelle Obama is ashamed of/hates the United States

Remedy: Teach her how to lie convincingly. (call Bill Clinton?)

Perception: Michelle Obama is an elitist

Remedy: Have Michelle Obama (1) visit a Wal-Mart at least once a month (notify press in advance!) (2) trade her stretch Lincoln limousine for a stretch Buick limousine.

Perception: Michelle Obama is always angry

Remedy: (1) Increase her (a) Prozac (b) dietary fiber (c) thong size. (2) Keep white people away from her whenever possible.

Perception: Michelle Obama comes across as "too black" for many white voters

Remedy: Discourage her from (1) wearing that bone in her nose at least in public (2) using profanity-laced Ebonics (3) calling everyone "Dawg." 

MISCELLANEOUS: Change makeup (a few shades lighter maybe), hairstyle, and wardrobe (no tribal wraps/animal skins). Cover/conceal "Kill Whitey" tattoo. 

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I liked the plan and congratulated Fab on another fabulous makeover. While he didn't know if the changes would be enough to sway public opinion, Fab was quick to compliment Mrs. Obama, saying that outside of the name-calling and spitting, she was "at times not a bad person."

We already knew Michelle would make a great First Lady, now she'll look and act the part.